SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't trust him either.

I can't pinpoint it but something bothers me about your wh, especially because he gave you such weak responses as to why he felt justified in cheating and lieing to you these last 21 years.

And the things he told you about not having any emotions when he was in the act, seems like the more he can deny about everything, the quicker things can get resolved and get back to normal. My gut says he knows why but doesn't want to tell you for multiple reasons. He could be ashamed, doesn't want to hurt you more than he's already hurt you, he's been caught, he's protecting her. I would also love to get into his affair partners mind and read everything he told her about how he felt about you. Lot of secrets to unpack.

I always like to look at the past of people's lives to get a better understanding of who they are. I think behaviors begin in childhood and some are passed on through genetics.

With that said I want ask if there was a cheating parent especially on his side of the family? Or did he experience sexual abuse, alcoholism or drug addiction? Is he an adrenaline junkie? Gets high doing risky behavior? I am struggling with the thought that he is just your normal everyday guy.

My late husband had multiple affairs and long-term relationships pretty much since we were married, 32 years. I always felt something was off but I thought it was just me feeling insecure, until he came home with an std. I was really nieve back then and never believed he would cheat on me, and I bought into his story that they were just skintags. 😂 Anyway, I knew in my heart he was lying but I was too dependent on him financially and emotionally and I didn't want to break the family apart, so I buried my head in the sand and endured many more years of his abuse and more.

I feel so angry for you. I feel like you fully trusted your wh and now here you are. As one of the other posters stated, it is time to take a step back and begin to reflect on your past history with him. I can tell you right now, he doesn't deserve you. But ultimately it is your choice whether you stay or go. One thing for sure, your trust will be tarnished forever. Your marriage will never be the same now that the truth has come out. I know some people say that they have regained their trust in their spouses after betrayal but I don't believe it. Maybe they have to some degree but it never goes back to the innocence it once was.

My late husband has been gone almost 5 years now. And although I do still love him and miss things about him and us, my trust in him is forever banished. As much as I tried to trust him after everything was said and done, and even after his death, I honestly couldn't get the trust back. And to me, trust is everything in a relationship and marriage. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

I'm sorry you have found yourself here but this is a good place to be in your situation. There are many knowledgeable people on this site that will be able to help you navigate through these difficult,
dark times. I sure do remember those days.

One more thing, try not to tell your wh about this site. This is your safe place to come to for advice, support and comfort. I told my late husband and I now believe he used it to his advantage.

I HATE this kind of sniffly, whiney "I don’t know why I did it’ crap. He did it because he wanted to, the hell with you and his promises to you when he married you. I have steam coming out of my ears!

Apparently others are feeling the same about your wh as I do!

This also resonates with me.

I stayed at home raising our sons and running the house, washing, cooking, cleaning etc -all while he kept his own career, had every done for him and thoroughly enjoyed his second life!
Knowing I was at home doing everything on my own. He’s had the best of both worlds for way too long.

I've had a lot time to think about my relationship with my late husband. I was a stay at home mom too. I felt in my late husbands eyes, my role was of wife and mother, period. Not sexy, nor fun. Cook and clean, take care of the household chores and kids, day to day boring hum drum. And I'm pretty sure in his eyes, bossing him around. And he also had to be a mature and responsible adult taking care of his family. And from a financial standpoint, he did really well. BUT these other women he hooked up were sexy, fun, new and exciting and didn't demand much from him. This is something I've been pondering for awhile now and I know it's pretty spot on, so I can relate to you.

After a 21 year long affair, why bother reconciling? How do you recover from that? Basically, your entire marriage was a complete lie. And if he had one affair, high chance it wasn't the only one.
In another 10 years, will you look back and wonder why you decided to further invest as if you didn't already invest enough? 20 years? 30 years? How lobg do you have to stay married to be able to say more of your marriage wasn't infidelity than was? For 21 years, he had no respect for you or the marriage you thought you were building.
It just seems like you deserve better and you should be living a more joyful, peaceful, and authentic life.
I'm not you, so grain of salt, but I would feel like I was tossing away the rest of my life. I would never know if he was being genuine because he was so good at telling lies. All those years meant nothing, or not enough, to him. In all those years, he didn't understand your value, yet you value him enough to give even more? What do you get out of this? How can he ever make up for all of the damage that he did?

I probably need to quit reading your post because I keep finding things that resonates with how my late husband acted.

But he has always been a stickler for the rules. Hates injustice. Verbally criticises those who have no manners, are rude. Doesn’t like people who mistreat others. And has bad mouthed other people we know in the past who have cheated!! It’s as if he has done what he’s done but doesn’t then look at himself and see the bad in what he’s done.

He's deflecting by taking the attention away from himself and redirecting it to others who are doing the same thing as he is doing! He is buffaloing you. In other words, he is full of bs. My late husband did the same thing to me! Always commented about his workplace affairs that were going on, yet he was doing the same thing to me by also cheating with his other women coworkers. I guess it was an easy thing to do since he worked with a lot of people.

What makes you think this other women is the only other women? I would insist on a timeline and a poly if you can. I'm sorry but I'm beginning to think there is more to this story than he is admitting to. I wouldn't be surprised if there were more other women than just her. I feel like he is supposedly answering all your questions about HER so that you won't dig deeper. Dig deeper!

You have a good head on your shoulders. I was a basketcase when my world was falling apart. The more I read on your post, the more I don't believe your wh. He reminds me so much of my late husband. It's as if I'm rereading my story.

You can only go back so far with phone records so you really don't know for sure whether or not there were more other women. My gut tells me there were more, and he isn't telling you the full truth because you believe in him, and he is taking advantage of that.

My late husband also answered all of my questions to a point over and over again. When I say to a point, its because I found there was a lot more to the story than he let on. And he had so much patience with me until I had had enough and I exploded because I knew in my heart he was still lieing to me and still acting out. And he also was beginning to act out in front of me. It was horrible! So that was proof right there.

I know it's hard to do, but try to take a step back from him and really listen to your gut because your gut doesn't lie and I feel there is more to this story than he is welling to share with you. You are of course looking for the truth from him but I surely wouldn't trust him. Remember how capable he was of lieing to you for 21 years.

My late husband took most of his lies to his grave but I had a moment of truth and came out of denial and was able to see things clearly. I think your wh wants you to keep believing his lies although it's already too late because you are having an awakening. You are no longer bound to his lies, and the truth is coming out now.

And one last thing, my late husband was also a great actor. He knew exactly what to tell me, he went to therapy. He did not tell the therapist the truth though. He went back to church and he even got baptised again! He attended AA meetings and Celebrate Recovery... but still continued to act out with other women. So imo, just like your wh is doing to you now, deflecting and taking the heat off himself, my late husband also put on this great act to make me think that he was changing his ways. And I can see how others on your post are also able to see how your wh is still playing games with you.

I'm just wanting to make you aware how conniving these cheaters can be, including your wh. I do not trust him at all. He reminds me so much of my late husband who was also in very deep denial about so many things. Unfortunately, I know this hurts but your wh is not your trusted best friend right now, like you thought he was. Seems like other posters are seeing this too.

My sisters' husband lived a double life for 8 years. No kids with the other woman thankfully. I'm not sure how they recovered but they did and are doing well. All quiet since then. Just FYI.

Oldwounds, I am seeing his reactions to my pain. He admits he didn’t think for one minute how much this would devastate me (and our sons) and ruin our marriage/family. He is working on his own IC which, I hope, will give him some answers and help me to understand who he is.

Cooley2here, thank you, I will read that.

Hurtmyheart, I am so sorry to hear what you’ve gone through. Thank you for sharing that and for your thoughts.
I have been in contact with the AP. I contacted her as I wanted her to know I knew after all these years. She said that she knew he loved me and would never leave me. That "the situation" suited her so, even though she had feelings for him, she would never have asked him to leave me anyway.
She said he loved me and our kids and that we had an amazing marriage that was worth saving! What a joke. I replied, telling her what I thought of her and have cut off all further contact.
My H has had a major childhood trauma which has already come up in his IC sessions. His therapist has suggested this might be the reason he can cut off his emotions some easily.
As to why he started it in the first place, when he tells me everything was good at home? We’ve discussed the fact that he must love the thrill and excitement and enjoy the risks he was taking. Again, something for him to investigate with his therapist.

StillLivin, I guess after being with him for almost 30 years, I just want to make sure my head is in the right place before I make any decision about our marriage.
We have talked at length about if there was anyone else apart from her. He totally denies this. To be honest, I don’t know when he would have had the time.
He saw his AP when he was either working or I thought he was working. Never in "our time". He was always either at work or at home, he never went out with the lads etc. I’ve always respected him for being such a dedicated family man and being with us all the time - but little did I know what he was doing when I thought he was at work, so he didn’t need to do it in our time.

Elica, thank you, that’s good to know and I’m happy that they are working through it.

He admits he didn’t think for one minute how much this would devastate me (and our sons) and ruin our marriage/family.

Really? A 21 year A and didn't think it would devastate you. I don't know if that is his head in the sand but I'm pretty sure every human being knows how devastating an A would be if found out. It's why it is kept hidden. I mean it's a known fact infidelity ends marriages every single day.

Take your time in making a decision. Your feelings and thoughts about it will change over the years depending on how he handles the aftermath. It's good that he is in IC regardless of how this plays out. I hope you have your own IC that specializes in betrayal trauma because you have been traumatized. My xWS lead a double life our whole M but it was multiple A's not just one A. It has re-written our entire marital history, family photos have taken on a whole new meaning. This is something that will stay with you forever unfortunately and it is not easy to get over a long term affair.

She said he loved me and our kids and that we had an amazing marriage that was worth saving! What a joke. I replied, telling her what I thought of her and have cut off all further contact.

What a joke were my thoughts too.

She is disgusting and is also in denial. She probably doesn't want to out him because she is still pining for him, hoping once everything settles down, he will go back to her. I just don't believe it truly is over.

Once my daughter and I moved closer to my late husband and his work, (at one point in our marriage we lived over one hour and 40 minutes away), I was able to get a clearer picture of what was going on. And yes he came home everyday after work and his habits seemed somewhat normal. He always texted me on his way to work, emailed me and called me throughout the day. I was also mostly able to get a hold of him if I needed to speak with him. And yet, he was still able to carry on with his secret double life. And these other women were also no different than him because they didn't have morals either, so this fact made it easy for him to continue in his wayward ways.

I know this is very difficult for you. I remember those days and reflecting back, I feel by the grace of God, I am still alive and actually beginning to accel again in my life. I sure took an emotional beating though because of who my late husband was. I developed ptsd, and emdr actually helped to get my brain unstuck and begin to move forward again. I am still on antidepressants and probably will be for the rest of my life because of the emotional damage 💔 he caused me.

What you are going through is very serious and will affect you deeply for the rest of your life. You have been traumatized by the person who should have had your back from the get go. And yet, he spent your whole marriage going behind your back and disrespecting you and your family with hos lies and disgusting behavior, and also put all of you at risk.

I think between finding out about my late husbands secret double life, his heavy drinking probably do to the guilt and shame he was experiencing, traumatized me deeply causing me brain damage. I still have dark, sad days but fortunately everything is so much lighter now and I am in a much better place now. In time you will get to a better place too. And in time, you will gain inner strength and awareness that you never knew you had. It just takes time and you are still in the very early stages of just finding out about the truth of who your wh really is. And please don't be fooled about this being the only time because there may be more other women in his past. It just hasn't come out yet. Let him work to be honest with you.

As I said before, your wh has a lot of lies to unpack. He has not been a true friend to you no matter what he is telling you now. These are just words and I don't believe him because he reminds me too much of my late husband. And also good friends don't do these kinds of things to each other.

Shirley Glass, an infidelity guru IMO, wrote in NOT "Just Friends" that As happen in good Ms when the WS has poor boundaries.

I know it's paradoxical for a person who is a world-class compartmentalizer to have weak boundaries, but that definitely described my W.

I am so sorry sorry he did this to you and your family. My heart breaks for you because this long of an affair is not something people can come back from. What's stopping you from filing for divorce and letting him fix his shit? It can take years for him to fix what is so intrinsically wrong with him. Do you have even more years to give? Theoretically, he could come back when he's gotten his act together. And IF, you still love him and IF you are willing to gamble on him, you could work on reconciliation then.

At our age, we have more years behind us than in front of us. Life is too short to give it to a cheater, but that is just my own opinion.

Would you advise your child to stay? Good luck. I pray that one way or another you get out of infidelity and are happy.

Edited because autocorrect doesn't understand my typos.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 5:18 AM, Tuesday, January 7th]

NumbAndBroken, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I thought a 3 year long LTA was brutal. I can only imagine what 21 years would do. There's a thread on Long Term Affairs in the "I Can Relate" subforum that I read through when I first got here. It helped give me some perspective on what others have gone/are going through. It's not as active as the threads here and in JFO, but there is good wisdom in there.

I will say that 8 weeks is very early, and it's going to take you many months (or years) to re-process the reality of the past 21 years. At 8 weeks past dday1, I was desperate to salvage what I could of reality. It was hard! Over time (2 years since dday1), I've arrived at the bitter conclusion that the past 30 years with WS belonged to a different version of myself, one who is now well and truly dead/gone.

I sincerely hope that your WS has told you the truth so far and that you aren't dealing with a false R situation like many of the rest of us. That said, you can never know the full story of a 21 year relationship and what happened between him and the AP. Even 3 years is over a thousand days that my WS and his AP exchanged texts, hung out at work, etc. I have come to accept that while I have a lot of salient information, I will never have the full picture. Human memory is fallible, and a lot of what happened only exists in WS and AP's minds.

You are welcome to go through my old posts or PM me if you want to know more about my experience and journey. I will say this - if I hadn't gone through false R and 4 ddays, I might be in a very different state right now. A lot will depend on your WS and how he behaves in the coming months. I wish you strength and every tiny bit of peace you can find. This is a hard road no matter where you end up.

Dear Numb,
I am so sorry you find yourself here. I am in the 9 year club, but they would have easily made their 10th anniversary with the A underground if I hadn’t finally contacted her and threatened her away. They were both intent on keeping their reputation/marriage/family/retirement plans intact and still having their fun getaways. I wasn’t supposed to ever know, neither was the other BS, and once I knew, I was very easily misled and gaslit. I was so in love, so intent on fixing things, because I’m a fixer. My M, kids and WH were my life and I am still gobsmacked how much of our lives is a mockery of all I thought we were, and how slow I was to figure out the puzzle pieces I had found. I’m still trying to pack away for good a decade of memories of my life that make no sense, and my heart aches that you have so many more to work through.

I endured a short, blissful reconciliation period where we recommitted, promised total honesty, resized and put back on the wedding rings, while they never skipped a beat, they just got sloppy deleting emails. My brain wouldn’t stop trying to figure out what happened, and I couldn’t even see what was still happening. I was almost a year post discovery when I finally used my leverage with her, after many big and small revelations. If I hadn’t journaled my way through this mess I wouldn’t be able to keep it all straight or even believe that half of it happened. If I hadn’t listened to the voice that kept telling me to keep digging, and if I hadn’t cracked an old phone, they would likely have celebrated their 16th Christmas this year. My advice is tainted by the whiplash I got on my journey to the truth, but maybe some of this can help you.

Like so many others, I can hear my WH saying many of the exact words yours is using to explain what has happened. I never fail to be shocked at the similarities and suspect there are some shared personality traits or life experiences that shaped our loving cheating compartmentalizers, and the rationales they use to justify doing what they know is wrong, hurtful and unfair. It only is if they think about it, and they are able to not think about us when it suits them. I maintain that the traits that let my WH cheat on me are the same ones getting in the way of his ability to atone, amend, grow or repair the way I wish he could. Compartmentalization is not just a tool, for some it is a survival technique, and my WH is very threatened when someone tries to break down all those carefully constructed partitions. Tread carefully when trying to decide who your husband is vs who he is choosing to show you. My WH easily fooled my first IC who later became our MC and it still took years to unravel the fiction. I think he actually believed some of the narratives he made up, and I caught him misremembering details or contradicting himself many times. I begged for the truth from day one, made it clear that that was all that mattered to me moving forward, a clean slate built on honesty. He overpromised and underdelivered.

I recommend you document your way through your journey, and trust only what you can see, not what you hear. Your journey will be unique, and I really hope it is an easier rather than a harder journey than mine. I think you will go through many phases and changes and it is as impossible to know if reconciliation is possible as it is to know if you will even want that downstream, when the chaos and shock wear off. Once you understand what my first IC called the real reality, not the one my WH kept trying to assure me was real. My first IC gave me a lot to cling to in the early months, especially in taking my time to regroup before deciding. You have to work through some serious shock and trauma or it will catch up to you somehow, so try to stay in front of it. There is no timeline to deciding if your M has a future, and it is hard to downshift your focus to right here, right now, but that is about all you can trust for a while. My mantra bracelet says Be Here Now and I try very hard to listen.

Keep your support system strong - IC, family and friends and the kind souls here. Practice radical self care. Indulge yourself and focus on yourself. If like me, you are still living with your WH and trying to walk in the roles of your past marriage, it is surreal at times, and much harder to stay focused on the healing. I still desperately want back things that were lost, it’s like living after a fire or a robbery. Some things just can’t be replaced. You have to look at what is left, critically, and figure out if you can live like this, still loving someone who has hurt you in the worst way imaginable, hoping they never doing it again, knowing once you both believed nothing like this was ever possible. And yet, here we are.

My WH has not struggled to stay faithful since I chased her off and moved us away. She moved away first. But there were other emails found with other women, so I know at my core that being faithful to any of us never mattered to him, and it helps a little that he didn’t care more for her feelings than for mine. But only a little. I don’t think he will struggle to stay faithful to me now, not out of deep abiding love or respect, but because of all the trouble it made for him, and for me. I am out of infidelity, but I am not out of figuring out who I sleep next to, what other compartments he has in his head, how much of what he shows me now is curated, like before. That’s the scariest for me. That, or maybe our kids finding out and judging us both harshly and breaking the close connection we share today. The not telling is its own therapy topic, and there is no right decision. Be careful who you share with, because you can’t untell anyone, and not everyone is going to act the way you expect.

Seven years since DDay one, six years from me unwittingly ending the underground affair, three years from the last painful details I wrenched from her to reveal my WH’s inability to stop lying over anything A related, large or small. Our damage runs very, very deep. I still care very much for him, but the way I feel has shifted in many, many ways. You will slowly dismantle the definition you had of your WH and as the layers peel, it is like learning to love a new person, a much less worthy one than you deserve no matter how you try to look at it.

I could go on and on. I’m still figuring it out, and back to IC this week. The holidays were rough, and I’m sure they were draining in many ways for you. I was undone by a Christmas ornament this year, a family portrait, and the date made me cry. All dates are run through the A re-sort timeline, and this one was their second Christmas together, and it was a picture I was so happy in, and so proud of our family, but now I also see a mask hiding secrecy and deceit, and a clueless, pitiful wife. I know what I settled for now, giving up a career to be a SAHM and best wife/friend/partner anyone ever had. I could be so angry, but I am more defeated. I am weary of the triggers, but they are everywhere.

I could write a book, and this is far too much already. If you need to talk there are several of us still around who can chime in on the LTA thread in I Can Relate. Or once you have enough posts, you can PM to chat in depth with other LTA survivors too. I wish you the best moving forward. I wish I had happier news to report to help you on your journey. I’m much better at telling you where the hazards lie, I’m afraid. Do take care of yourself and read all you can on healing and stay in IC if you can. You are on a journey you did not choose, with no map, and no clear destination, and almost no one to tell you which path is the best to take. Good luck, and stay strong. You will find out how strong you really are, much more than you know.

My heart goes out to you as I have walked in your shoes. My wife had a long-term affair for 15 years and God finally opened my eyes to it as she could not end it on her own. Believe it or not we have gone it alone with no counseling as we are almost 3 years post Dday. I believe each situation is unique to the people involved while all affairs have many things in common. This forum has been very helpful to me but it also can bring out some bitterness in some as can be expected because betrayal strikes deep. I am an optimist and believe that we will survive and learn from this. It will not be an easy journey but as you now know life is not an easy journey. I have found that as time goes by that some of the things that really bothered you early on don't bother you so much anymore. On the flip side there will be triggers, songs , movies etc. that will remind you it happened. Live your life and do your best and keep an open and regular line of communication between you and your husband. Don't look back and dwell on the past, I know it's hard not to but you can't change it. Just learn from it. A long-term affair will take a lifetime journey to survive but you and your husband can do it. Live for the present, not the past. I have become a stronger person because of this but I feel your pain too. I don't judge anyone anymore as we are all human and we will make our share of bad choices and mistakes throughout life. I will pray for you and your husband to weather this storm!!

Lost1313

I think all humans are redeemable if they do the work. That the marriage may or may not be salvageable, but you both can grow and learn from the exposure of his double life.

I’ve read many posts in my time on SI about the ‘fog’. LOTS of debate. IMO, I buy into it from the viewpoint that in order to operate in a way contrary to your base upbringing/integrity you have to make and buy into some big old rationalizations.. in order to get in the mindset that makes cheating okay. And consequently, it takes time to unravel that maze that was created. And he’s been at it for a long time.

He may yet become humble to what you deserved all along and he could only ‘pretend’ to be. And lord help him the day he takes off that mask and looks deeply in the mirror.

To me that’s the crux. He holds fast to his declaration that a marriage was authentic and he loved you and his family. Love is an action.
Based on his actions, the love of his life is himself.

Can he face that, can he set aside who he pretended to be, took credit for being and face himself? Only he and time will tell….

If you are taking some time on this, let him do his work. See where it goes.

Start imaging a life without him and what that would look like. It’s not only healthy, it’s financially responsible. Be prepared for the possible outcomes.

Do your work with your IC and move into your future. You can’t know yet if that will be with him, but you do know you have a future.

It may not be what you planned, but open yourself up to the fact that it might be just as rewarding on another path.

..dear N&B...you might be interested in reading my profile about long term affairs...

smy

How are you doing, numb?

Crazyblindsided, thank you for your post. He never thought about it devastating me because he never thought I’d find out. So he’s cut it off completely emotionally. Yes, I’m going to take my time making any decisions because my mind is changing daily. We are both in IC. I feel the same, this has all changed everything forever.

Hurtmyheart, thank you so much for your post. I’m just taking one day at a time at the moment and trying to start the healing process.

Stilllivin, I’ve not thought about divorce at the moment. If we’re investing in IC, I want to give that a good go first and try to process things in my head. I want to be in the right frame of mind before I make such a decision.

Nothanksforthememories, Thank you so much for your post. I will definitely look at some of your old posts. Yes, we are both in IC.

Whatisloveanyway, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I wasn’t ever meant to know either yet I am now dealing with two decades of my life that make no sense. It’s heartbreaking. I will definitely PM you when I’ve posted enough to be able to.

Lost1313, thank you so much for your post and for offering a different perspective.That is really important for me to hear that and I am so pleased to hear that it is working for you.

Redrock and Somanyyears, thank you both so much.

Grieving, not having a good day today because I told our adult sons yesterday. They’re obviously totally shocked, upset and angry. They have never seen any problems or issues within our family so this is a huge trauma and shock to them too. Thank you for asking.