SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s wonderful that he is seeking help. But. There is always a but. This behavior is a compulsion that might have been his way of, weirdly, feeling less sad. He would get the high from the planning and executing the cheating but probably crash right back into sadness. When people live with depression they will do anything to get out of it, even cheating. So letting go of what he used to try to manage the stress he constantly lives under will be hard to let go of. I hope he succeeds in curing himself.

Yes I completely understand that. I come from an alcoholic family. He is dealing with the trauma that led to the depression…..he white knuckled the first DDay but I’m seeing him doing deeper work. But time will tell. I’m moving on me taking care….but I’m deeply sad

I hope you've had some extra peace and calm in the week since he moved into his own place. While he'd already been couch-surfing, now that he is out into a more permanent situation, maybe that's been helpful to you in continuing to look forward.

And on one of your earlier points about it being hard not to feel empathy for him, I hear you. I talked by phone to my WH yesterday to sort out a few divorce details that he felt we could handle more effectively directly, instead of through the lawyers. It was the first time we'd spoken in more than two months - everything has been text messages since early February - and I was reminded of exactly why it has been better for me to stick to text. We had a perfectly cordial and constructive conversation and addressed the divorce items no problem, but I could hear in his voice how he's struggling. We didn't get into anything personal other than the "how are you?" niceties, and he's not great. Coincidentally I heard through a relative yesterday that he's struggling.

I can feel how my heart has softened toward him in the 24 hours since that call, and I have to remind myself that my number one job is to protect myself. I haven't been and don't intend to treat him poorly in any way, and we're both approaching the divorce in a way that is thoughtful and reasonable, but it is not my job any more to take care of himself. I can have the feelings of empathy for someone I've deeply loved for more than 25 years...and at the same time know that it's not my obligation to soothe his pain.

Sadly he continues to rug sweep the affairs and his behavior - this was just a marriage that had run its course - and he is doing no work on himself - likely because he can't risk what he might see if he looks closely at himself. His ultimate betrayal is of himself.

Anyway, you seem to be doing an incredible job of staying poised and focused on yourself in a healthy way, in the face of an extremely difficult situation. Keep it up!

Im so sorry…..

I went on a date with WH last night…..we are separated but agreed to keep connection since we are still hoping for reconciliation….. I said something about I could not believe we DDay 2 …which is what broke me. He has this idea that the escorts were " less severe" than porn despite me setting boundaries about it….over and over. My IC even said "I heard you, you were clear" so 2 months into separation and he got annoyed with me at dinner, after he said he now gets it, he’s changed. I said "that’s what u said last time" and he got irritable! His voice raised-I told him that 2 months was not enough time to rebuild trust and to lower his voice and shift or I would walk out and uber home.

Rest of evening was ok, but I’m considering that. Moment a " data point" 🤨

As the saying goes around here, it isn't always the betrayal but the actions after betrayal....

If you baked a cake and put poop in it, does it matter if it's dog poop, car poop, bird poop.... Nope, it's all poop and you don't want to eat it. Does it matter if it's an escort vs porn? Just a different kinda poop.

Good job sticking up for yourself. You're right, 2 months doesn't seem to me to be long enough to build trust.