SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out 1 week ago that my wife was having an affair. It had been going on for 3 months, she says it was purely sexual but I know it was emotional.
She is depressed and has since started anti depressants.
But she is acting like she is the BS. She is obviously upset (we both are) but she alternates between being catatonic, overly emotional etc she is not eating sleeping - worse than me.
Quite frankly I'm pissed off and angry that I am looking after her and helping HER. I feel like I am being manipulated and I am desperate for space.
Each night after we have put our 3 yr old to bed I leave the house and go to the pub(just 1 pint), then back to separate room in the house.
It's my daughter's birthday today....she is 3, we are playing happy families. It's so fucking sad and I hate her for destroying our family

I am saddened to read your daughter’s birthday is impacted by this nightmare. Very unfair to your daughter (and you).

You will receive great support here for people who have been in your shoes. The Healing Library is a great place for articles, book recommendations and varied topics.

I am challenged to provide advice on what to do about your wife’s current state. Obviously she is impacted by the revelation that she was caught having an affair. I doubt she was depressed or negatively affected during the affair.

The only thing I can tell you is that I basically turned my back on my H on dday2. I lived for 6 months of him telling me he was D me - but then change his mind a few days later. And then want a D the following week and again change his mind.

He was begging to Reconcile and I could see how he was feeling sad, depressed etc. and very remorseful. But it was too little too late for me.

Unfortunately for you, you have a young toddler so you are not in a position to ignore her. You need to communicate for the child’s sake.

But you can set some boundaries that might help you. Like you can help throughout the day with basic needs but you don’t have to coddle her or go above and beyond for her.

That’s what a therapist is for. She needs to see a professional to help her through this difficult period.

You can be polite but reign in engaging with her about her needs. I’m of the opinion that the cheater figured out how to cheat, therefore they can figure out how to rectify the situation. And to me, your wife is responsible for her healing and fixing the damage she caused to you.

On her own.

No help needed from you.

Again it’s my opinion. Others may feel differently but I just know I had no problem letting my H suffer without support from me. I spent 6 months reconciling and supporting him. When I learned he was still cheating, all bets were off. He was forced to be on his own and figure it out without my help.

I am sorry you find yourself here on this website. It is a terrible thing you are going through.

Please avail yourself of all the good articles you will find here in "The Healing Library" at the top of this site. These articles are all written by veterans of the mess you find yourself in and they have helpful information on how to get yourself out of infidelity.

At the top of Just Found Out are some pinned posts. One post in particular I like because it was so well written is "Another Great Post for Newbies to read". Here is the link.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/532395/another-great-post-for-newbies-to-read/

One thing that helped me in healing was just "keep on keeping on". Sort of like a "Fake It till You Make It". I was young and in the military stationed overseas away from home. I had no choice but to do what was necessary each and every day.... put one foot in front of the other... keep moving... do what was necessary at that moment in time. I had no time to wallow in my misery.

Plus, I had a great support system... my fellow airmen... they were not going to let me get in the dumps. We would go out when we had the time and have more than "a few" pints when I started getting down in the mouth. I hope you have a good support system around you... family, friends, etc. That can really help.

Eventually I got used to the idea that the engagement was over and she was just somebody I used to know. The human brain is an amazing organ and can get you through just about anything. The Stoic philosophy is one I am fond of because at the heart of the philosophy is that each person is responsible for their own happiness... no one else can truly make you happy. While it is true that good circumstances around you can help you expedite your happiness, such as, a faithful wife, happy children, etc... ultimately though your happiness depends upon you and no one else. Some of the ancient stoics were emperors and wealthy, while some were crippled, some were slaves, but they all taught that your own happiness is based upon your own thoughts and actions.

Also, at the heart of the philosophy is that you can control only one person... yourself. Short of threats and physical force you can not make anyone act the way you want them to act. With that in mind you need to convince yourself that you had absolutely nothing to do with her adultery. That was 100% her choice. She had many choices to help her feel better about herself and her situation, but adultery is the one she chose. Do not take responsiblity for her spreading her legs for another man. That was her choice and her choice alone.

Others will be along who can give you better advice than I can. Please listen to them. Take from their suggestions things you can use and apply to your situation and disregard the rest.

Good luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 9:22 PM, Thursday, January 9th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry that infidelity has affected your life. It's the worst pain I've been through. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum and some with bull's eye icons that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

Because you know the A (affair) was sexual, please get tested for STDs/STIs. There are some pretty nasty diseases out there and you don't want them to be the gift that goes on giving. If you're having troubles with depression or anxiety, you can ask your doctor for some meds. Many of us have had to have something to help us short-term.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful to work through the betrayal trauma. Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC to work on her issues and to become a safe partner.

Please take care of yourself and your child. You might consider telling your WW that you're done looking after her and call 988 or 911 if she threatens herself. It sounds like she's either very selfish or may have other underlying psychological issues. She needs to deal with those.

Do you know if the infidelity is a deal-breaker for you? We're here to help you out of infidelity, whether that's D (divorce) or R (reconciliation) or whatever you choose.

Helping your W won't do a lot for your healing. Whether she's manipulating you or not, you don't have to get hooked. I recommend https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/.

Reread the message from lrpprl. Perfect way to live your life.

You seem a lot younger than me, as I'm looking at 60 soon. There's this old joke. Guy walks into his doctors office. His doctor asks, "What's wrong?" He raise his arm and says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this." The doctor days, "Well, don't do that."

You wrote,

Quite frankly I'm pissed off and angry that I am looking after her and helping HER. I feel like I am being manipulated and I am desperate for space.

Maybe stop doing that.

Listen, I get it. As a man, I felt it was my sacred duty to be there for my family. And yes, for a faithful partner, you need to show up. But your WW isn't a faithful partner, and as such, has willingly abdicated her position in your life.

Sending strength.

So sorry you had to find SI, but you are in good hands here and you will receive some solid advice from members who vary on their path forward out of infidelity. In addition to what has been said above, I’m also an avid believer that if she was able to conduct and hide an A (affair) then she’s more than capable of figuring out the aftermath of it. Out of all the times you have been there for her, this is the time you take a big step back and let her be there for you. Please take this time to focus on you (and to be there for your daughter). There are some great articles listed in the Healing Library that will give you some insight and help guide you through the next steps.

I wish my WW had shown any signs of being distressed by what she had done.

Thank you all for the replies so far.... This has been a big help already as well as all the links people have shared.

Thank you

Thank you all for the replies so far.... This has been a big help already as well as all the links people have shared.

Thank you

Her having a heavy emotional reaction is appropriate. She’s done a terrible thing, and her mind is probably a mess and all over the place.

But her own spectacular selfishness got her into this mess. She is the one who betrayed you, and she needs to absorb that. She needs to figure out her own support systems and actively bring something to the table to YOU that shows she understands what she’s done to you and is willing to make amends and do the hard work of reconciliation if that’s the path you both want to try. You focusing on her needs isn’t helping anyone. Turn your focus on healing yourself and caring for your child. That’s all you can manage right now. You’re not responsible for her emotional state.

I know..... Easier said than done.
She had just walked into my room ( I am in the spare room) Hysterical saying please don't leave me, I love you etc

I told her to go back to her room and deal with it

10 minutes later back again, having a panic attack thinking she is having a great attack...

Again told her it's her mess and she needs to help herself that I am not and cannot be there for her.

Thing is that it's waking or daughter up.... And she is getting to be a poor sleeper and she had always been amazing sleeping so for my daughter I just don't know if I can keep this up

I want to try and get WS out of the house for a little while but again... Daughter....

On top of all that is the underlying 'dark thoughts' that WS had said she has had so have to worry about her getting to such a terrible state that she thinks about doing something

Also .... Is there a right time for when you manage a decision on recovery and reconciliation?

I have seen posts about shutting MC straight away for example but I am not ready. I am so angry and upset and I don't want to let WS back in. I don't believe she had understood what she had done and agreeing to MC and saying yes let's work through it feels like giving her a free pass and minimizing what had happend

Startimg MC not shutting MC**

In my opinion, Marriage Counseling is very wrong to do at this point in time.

Marriage Counseling (MC) is about healing the marriage. You and she both need to understand that the marriage is not the problem that needs healing. The Marriage Did Not Cheat. Your wife cheated.

She needs Individual Counseling to first heal her emotions so she has better control of herself... especially for your child. After that happens then she and the IC counselor can begin to dig down into the reasons she allowed herself to betray you and your marriage. Until she does that and learns to control herself and her urges in the future, she will continue to be at risk to cheat on you again.

After you two have done some healing, then, and only then, should you two begin marriage counseling to learn how to communicate better, work out other problems in the marriage, etc. to make your marriage a better situation for you both.

Plus, another reason against MC at this time is that a lot of Marriage Counselors tend to try to lay a lot of the blame for cheating on the Betrayed Spouse. This is so wrong in so many ways. Each person is responsible for their own actions. As I previously said, she had many options available to her, but she chose adultery in order to feel better about herself. That is all on her.

Anyway, this is my opinion. Others may feel differently.

The timeline of figuring out whether you want to try to reconcile is going to different for everyone, but it sounds like the immediate need is for stability and space for all three of you. Can she go stay with family for a few days? Or a trusted friend? I’m not without sympathy for her—it sounds like she realizes she made a terrible choice and is terrified of the consequences, but her behavior is harming your daughter and putting stress on you in a time where you’re emotionally overwhelmed yourself. She needs a support structure other than you to help her figure out some coping mechanisms and start digging her own way out of the hole she dug herself into.

Please listen to lrpprl and cancel the idea of MC right on out of your head. That’s a very frequent "newbie error".

Do not ignore threats of suicide. There's a suicide prevention hotline with the phone number of 988 and 1-800-784-2433. If necessary, sit with your W while she calls.

Or call 911 - the police will come and, I believe, take her to an ER for inpatient observation. If she's manipulating you with her threat, she'll probably stop after that happens once.

*****

Have you suggested IC for your W when she asks you for support? If not, I suggest you mention it.

*****

Have you considered IC for yourself?