SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My name says it all. I am shocked and shattered. I have been with my husband for 32 years. Since we were teenagers. I caught him cheating and found out that he has been cheating on me for three years. Three years!!! How could I be so stupid?

He was my best friend, my everything. And he's been lying and cheating for years. I'm stunned... He ruined everything we built together, ruined my life, our marriage, and a piece of our kids' lives.

He had lost his job. He was working out for four hours a day and then he was supposed to be looking for jobs and trying to start a business. Turns out, he was on a bunch of sex apps and having sex with random people for years. All of them were one time, except in the last six months. He was repeatedly having sex with a woman for four months until she broke it off to work on her marriage (she was also cheating). Then he decided he wanted to have only one other sex partner and found a woman online who also wanted to cheat on her husband like that. Guess what? He was also having unprotected sex with me the whole time!!!

He told me we were dipping into savings every month. So, I kept taking on more and more work. He was spending thousands on STD testing, hotel rooms, flowers for others, candles, lube, etc. He did nicer things for strangers than he did for me. I can't understand why. I was doing everything...working, taking care of the kids, cleaning, and he just checked out and did whatever he wanted.

I asked why a million times. First, it was that he married too young and wanted to experiment sexually, that our sex life changed after our first kid was born (really???). After hours of talking, I found out more. I knew he had been abused in every way as a child. He told me that the sexual abuse was more than he had shared and that he was acting out his abuse over and over. That it left him emptier, and he wanted to kill himself. I feel terrible and sick... But he could have talked to me. A therapist. He didn't have to have sex with tons of women.

He says he wants to stay married. That our lives can be the same. But it can never be the same. I can never trust anyone again. I can't get over the lies. The years of lies. And my stupidity. Right now, we aren't telling anyone. My daughter's graduation is coming up. I'm not ready to talk to people I know. No one will understand.

We are talking. Hours and hours of talking. He is getting me flowers and gifts. He's helping around the house. He is talking with the kids (he acted/hinted for years that the kids are annoying obligations) and making efforts. Big efforts and changes.

I don't know what to do. Advice from people who have been in my place is hugely appreciated. This stupid girl needs to get smart fast! Thank you!

Hey girl welcome to the club, the one no one is looking forward to join, but we kind of were forced to when we have been betrayed.

First thing first.

You are not stupid, not blind, and nothing of this was your fault or responsibility, because you were never offered the choice.

That’s all on him, choice, intention, deception, manipulation, sordid and selfish behavior with complete lack of respect and love for you.

Now you can truly see the person you thought was a partner, for the low value individual that he chose to become.

Now you didn’t see but you felt it right?
It means you are a honest and genuine partner, a woman who can love and trust because you expect the person you chose reflects your own values and is worthy of what you give them, and reciprocates.

Your man isn’t a person who believes he is worthy, that’s often why a partner becomes a wayward.
Low self worth= let’s make it a self fulfilling prophecy.

Becoming a cheater is choosing to be trash, so now the persona matches the feelings of being unworthy. He became just that.

Cheaters are made by very specific character flaws and they cheat to feel like a different person, to fill a void they have that cannot be ever filled, as they can’t love themselves, no matter how much you pour into, there is no bottom.

So nothing real can ever be truly shared. Hence they escape into the fantasy, of being a different person, with another broken person who feels and makes themselves worthless (the affair partner) and both can,play the role of being different people, while becoming pigs rolling into the mud.

He feels like James Bond sipping champagne from a crystal glass in his fantasy. As you found out, he is really just the circus clown gulping stale piss from a plastic cup.

And now he turned his patterns to try to trick you into forgiveness so he can resume his same behaviors as soon as he thinks you relaxed.

Yes,he is still living in a fantasy, he is just that big of an idiot because his brain is on literal drugs, the dopamine high allows him to ignore his void temporarily, so he doesn’t have to face his ghosts and fix himself to become a man with a pair, instead he can keep escaping himself at your cost, completely ignoring the abuse and trauma he is causing you with his stupidity.

Sister, suggestion number 1-

Read the 180mhere in the healing library.
You have suffered one of the worst abuse and trauma that can be inflicted to a human being, and is not a joke, besides the death of a child this is right there at the top. You must put yourself first and begin your healing before being destroyed by the ptsd and all the horrible stuff that follows a betrayal.

The BS heals the BS.
Same goes for the WS but first he must take his head out of the shitpile, though he is still neck deep in and digging, so as he is is right now, tell him to duck off in your heart, and protect yourself emotionally, psychologically and mentally.

Truth is, the relationship that was before infidelity is dead, is not coming back as neither of you can erase the betrayals, that is gone, burned to ashes, dead.

You will see here that sometimes it is possible to find reconciliation between bs and WS, but only when both partners are healed, and if the BS still wants to give their WS a second chance that nobody deserves.

And is never going to be the same relationship, there is no rebuilding something that was destroyed to that extent, it is building something new, and still the ashes of the old one will always show up in time and hurt you both.

The WS needs to do a lot of work to face and resolve their ghosts and not everyone has the strength to heal and become a safe partner, because we are speaking of deeply flawed and weak characters here.
The person need to take full responsibility for what they done and realize what they actually did. Replacing the self commiseration called shame (what your husband has now, he doesn’t give a fuck about how you are hurt, he just want to rugsweeping this asap) with guilt and remorse (aka "what the hell did I do? What kind of person did I become? I am disgusted with my behavior and how deeply I hurt my partner -> empathy, something he completely ignores right now)

I’m short treat him with the 180, like he is done and you are moving forward with your life without him.
Don’t believe anything he says or gifts you. Flowers?? He can drop those over the grave of your relationship he murdered.

Moving forward? Who the fuck he thinks he is? He should start looking for where to move out and leave you in peace removing himself, the abuser, from the victim.

You come first, set your boundaries and enforce them, he is not your partner, not a person you can love right now, you have been wounded and you need to take care of yourself. He doesn’t even register in the list of priorities you need now.

Only when, but more importantly if, because is not very common, he does realize the magnitude of the damage he done, and he is ready to crawl back over broken glass to make amends to you, then and only then, you may decide to observe what he does to heal himself, still keeping yourself first and him at distance, until the change in behaviors and patterns is so clear that you may begin to consider if he is truly changing.

If he heals and when you heal, then YOU (is all your decision, nobody else) might see if you feel like giving him a second chance and try to begin the path to reconciliation.

Which is a hard and long one.

You will need with the correct support and therapy 2-5 years to begin healing from betrayal trauma.
And it will not be a fun ride.

But you will become stronger in the end.

I know that what I told you was nothing cuddling or rainbows and unicorns, but that’s just how it goes.

You need now to allow your emotions to be heard, this is what this space is, there will be good advice, but the most important thing is to qualm the chaos of your emotions and for that you must voice them.

You have been heard.
Is not ok now, but allow yourself to grief and let go.

We are here for you
I

I am so sorry this happened to you. It sucks that he was abused and lost his job and all that - it real does - but he still knew right from wrong. When that repeat AP decided to work on her marriage, did he wake up? No. Is he in therapy? He ought to be.

Here are some practical things you could do.

Take care of your physical health:

* eat. You’re not hungry but eat anyway. Protein bars or drinks if you must.

* Stay hydrated.

* see a doctor about getting anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants, and something to help you sleep.

* get teated for stds no matter what he says he did. Make him do it again too, and make him show you the results (not just tell you).

* be active. Go to the gym, or for a run or a hike or whatever you like. It will help.

Take care of your mental health.

* see a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma

* do the 180 that BFTS mentioned

* find someone to talk to. I know you said you feel like you can’t. Think about it if it were reversed. Would you be able to support a friend or loved one? Of course. And you’d be surprised at what people can understand. A lot of people have experience with infidelity that you never knew about. Don’t do it alone

Protect yourself legally

* talk to a lawyer. Find out the rules of the road. In some jurisdictions if you move out you damage your legal position as an example. Understand what the future might look like, you don’t have to do anything, you’re just learning and making sure that whatever you do you’re not making things worse for yourself

* you’re dealing with Financial Infidelity too. Ask the lawyer what you can do to protect your savings. Can you cancel his credit cards? Separate your finances, deny him access to your accounts? Maybe you can get a post-nup or some other agreement that can offer you some safeguards.

You are not stupid. You trusted your best friend , your spouse. Don’t blame yourself for being lied to. And you’re probably still being lied to. You can feel perfectly entitled to spy on him as much (or as little) as you need to feel safer.

Keep posting, there are a lot of really smart people here who can help guide you or just commiserate if you need to scream.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 4:47 PM, Saturday, May 2nd]

I am so sorry you had to find us. You have experienced marital and financial infidelity. Both need to stop now.
He needs to stop with the useless flowers and gifts (spending your savings stupidly). He needs to not "do more" with teenage kids but do his share AND get a job. He needs a job NOW. And he needs to be 100% transparent with ALL electronic devices and finances.

You were not stupid. You were trusting and gave him a lot of leeway because he was going through a difficult time. That is what supportive spouses do. Do not accept any blame.

Do all the things Let Me Be Frank said below. This is a massive trauma to you and you need to take extreme care of yourself. The 180 will help you get the mental breathing room you need. And REALLY REALLY rethink getting IC or talking to someone IRL. You need an outlet. Some employers offer an EAP or other benefit with some therapy- look into and find one who is trauma informed. This is truly a trauma to your world. Or talk to a pastor or your bestie -the one who will be on your side no matter what happens here.

How old are your kids? Do they still live at home with you?

What is he doing besides the superficial and money wasting stuff? He needs to come clean on ALL his infidelities including how much of the marital funds he has spent. He needs to reading, researching, getting IC and doing the HEAVY lifting on the root cause of all this. (Hint: it wasn’t that your sex life changed after kids or that you married too young. It has to do with his character flaws and filling an empty bucket and because he wanted to.)

You do NOT need to decide if you want to R or D today. You can take some time to let the dust settle. BUT you MUST see a lawyer or three right away to protect you financial future and know what D might look like. So much of this is fear of the unknown, but knowledge is power and knowing what your rights and financial situation might look like will really help here.

Keep posting. Weekends can be a little slow, but people here really get it. We;ve walked that same crappy path and we know you can survive this. Hang in there.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I read your message over and over to make sure I got it all. It is so helpful! I am doing the 180 because I don't want to lose myself in this mess. He is broken and I refuse to be.

It also helped that this morning I met the OW on FaceTime. I told him if he wanted to work on our marriage then he had to be done with her completely. We called her together. She felt the need to tell me her life story and I saw it - she is broken and a complete mess. And I thought of what you said. They are broken people who concocted this fantasy together. I discovered that he told both of us basically the same lies.

He is ashamed, crying, and saying sorry. I get that he feels bad, but I don't know how to tell if he really means it. If he's really ready to work on himself and our marriage. I don't think he understands what he did to me and our family.

Can we talk about kids? He has made an effort to connect with our kids. When we called our daughter together, she said "Look who's trying be a father after 22 years". I was stunned. She has also told me through the last few years that she doesn't want to get married because she doesn't want to give so much of herself to another person. That she wants to thrive too. (OUCH)

My son's first relationship just ended. He talked to a therapist and shared with me that he was giving 90% of the time and she only reciprocated once in a while. And that when she did, it was a big deal since it was so rare. Basically, he was putting up with being treated like crap. I was so upset. I told him that I think I gave him a bad example. That relationships are supposed to be equal. I said that I was giving so much more because dad was depressed over his work and extended family situation.

My youngest is watching me dress better, wear some jewelry, and do my hair nicer. He asked if I was having a midlife crisis and could I add a sports car to it. :)

I feel so awful about the examples I have set for my kids. I am a fantastic mom, but I don't think I modeled a marriage well. I made too many excuses for giving so much to my husband and not receiving. I thought he was depressed. No idea he was cheating.

But - yes, I felt him change toward me. I just excused it as depression.

Thank you for listening. I really can't tell anyone else because if we choose to reconcile, it will become a big problem.

SS - I'm so sorry you've gone through this horrifying experience. I think you will get a lot of great support and advice here that will help you to realize and feel that you are not alone, this IS every bit as bad and horrible as you feel it is, every bit as disorienting and overwhelming. Trust your own feelings here. Truly what your husband has done here is horrifying. He basically decided many years ago to live a double life, lie to you deliberately and elaborately every single day of your lives, to poison every interaction and experience and celebration you have ever had together, for the sake of his own selfish desires. He has lived his own life pretty much as he wanted - with you providing stability, support, real love, family life, and all the things he could not have on his own or with one of his sleazebag partners - AND all the variety, sex, fun, validation, excitement, novelty, of basically being a single man. The best of both worlds for HIM. Along with possibly passing diseases on to you - do get a full STD panel as soon as possible.

YOU are NOT a stupid girl. You are a deceived person. You trusted the person you loved most in the world and that's the way life IS supposed to be. This is HIS FAULT ENTIRELY. YOU have been deliberately DECEIVED for many years by a practiced liar. This is NOT your fault, not your doing, not your responsibility, you have no guilt in this, no part in this. This is ALL on him and how HE wanted to live....not what he was driven to by his childhood (believe me I had a HIGHLY traumatic childhood) - he was living as many people do from from all backgrounds....AS HE WANTED. This was his choice about how HE wanted to live and what he was willing to do to you. Do not feel sorry for him, and do not be manipulated by declarations of suicide. That may be real in some people in extreme situations but sometimes, often I think, it's a manipulation, and the answer to that is to call for the police or EMTS when someone makes these kind of statements because neither you nor I nor many people have the experience to deal with this, nor should we have to. He does not have the right to eff up YOUR life and then try to hold you hostage by self harming or other threats or manipulations. He needs help for these ideas he is having. You might help him find someone but frankly, you're not under ANY obligation to him anymore, IMO, for anything. He presented you with a fake marriage for YEARS. You don't owe him anything. You really don't. And you DO NOT OWE HIM FORGIVENESS. No, you don't. Forgiveness should be preceded by active repentance over a period of time because forgiveness is not an empty gift with no meaning. It means to some extent entrusting your life and feelings to someone again who may not deserve it - they should offer some meaningful proof that they do. And you would have to get to know him....all over again, like it's a fresh relationship, but now, with prior knowledge of what he's willing to do.

So honor YOURSELF and do what YOU feel is right, proper and comfortable for you. If he needs help for his disordered way of thinking he should get that but that is NOT your responsibility to do. He lived a way of life he wanted to live for many years and now the BILL IS DUE and he doesn't want to pay it. He doesn't like how much that bill costs - well, tough shit, pal, that's how much you worked up on your own. You should not be an accomplice in your own abuse or in covering it up. He knew what he was doing, he wanted to do it, he knew it was morally wrong, he knew it would hurt you badly, that is why he did it all in secret and look how elaborate it would become at times. These were choices he made without your knowledge and consent. You don't owe him ANYTHING ELSE AT THIS POINT. You just don't. You could go out and get a divorce and you would be 100% in the right. Or anything else up to that point.

Right now, you don't even know who he is or what he is capable of. His past is a mystery, you know some of it but you can't know all of it, and you don't know him. The man you have discovered is not who you thought he was for years. It's like waking up and finding out you are MRS. BERNIE MADOFF. So the first consideration here should always be....what do YOU want and it will take time to do that because you have to recover from this shock and that takes time. Listen to yourself and follow your own instincts, what feels right to you. If you do things for other people - him, your kids, rest of family, society, your church, whatever....it will never feel right. It's like wearing someone else's shoes....they may be the right size but they'll never feel right, it's not the right fit. Only you can decide that.

In a situation like this I think at minimum separation is the best answer because it's hard to heal with a constant irritant there....If someone has punched you in the nose repeatedly, you don't want to live with them even if they say they won't again. I think separation with a possible eye to divorce is perhaps the best avenue for you now. You need to get back on your feet emotionally and he will keep trying to get you to forget about this, or understand it - no one can really UNDERSTAND this level of betrayal and falsity - or magically forgive it, and it all comes down to pretending that nothing happened and everything can go back to what it was before. We CAN'T go back, once you know, you always know and it's a permanent factor in whatever relationship you have with this person going forward. It will always be some level of factor....it's something you now KNOW and you can't stop knowing it.

So my personal advice would be a separation, I think it's the easiest way to start healing, and it also helps bring the sense of what they have risked and lost to an unfaithful spouse. They are NOT owed anything by you, just perhaps the basic courtesy you would give a complete stranger because.....that's really what they are now. I would do whatever makes you feel comfortable and soothed at this time, whatever you enjoy, hobbies, spa treatments, short trip, I know money's tight now, but do try to treat yourself if you can and fuss over yourself. Get a lot of rest, eat and drink as well as you can, and just try to focus on what makes YOU feel good. Beyond that, I would, alas, get an STD panel, consult with an attorney about divorce so you know what it would look like for you, put together your financial papers so you know where you stand with that. You don't HAVE to divorce, I probably would, but that is your long term decision. You can also start a divorce and pull it any point should you wish. There is nothing wrong with deciding that you don't want to live with a stranger who did you dirty for years. Or if you eventually decide for recon after the shock has warn off - do not rush into anything - you don't owe him ANYTHING but basic civility - whatever you do, now and in the future, should be done in YOUR OWN BEST INTERESTS.

As for your children, I would tell them now - or when you feel up to it - to tell them that you and father are having serious problems and your marriage will not seem the same to them. You don't have to go into details, you could just say he's been seeing other people - YOU DO NOT OWE HIM THE RIGHT TO KEEP HIS SECRETS. You don't have to go into details about them, they can talk to him if they want and that's up to him to release at this point, but I think you should tell them the basics now because they're gonna see or sense it anyway, and it's better if things come out in the open to some degree so everyone knows what they're dealing with. Yes it will cast a pall over family events, but that's the nature of sad news, and it's part of the cost of how he CHOSE TO LIVE HIS LIFE. This is part of the price. I think the kids have a right to know why Mom and Dad seem different and there's tension between you, esp if Dad goes and lives somewhere else, as he should, at least for some period of time (or maybe permanently - that should be YOUR call). I don't think realistically you can avoid the emotional impact of what he has done to everyone. This is an item on that giant bill he racked up.

Take care of yourself, try to find some small pleasures in life, and know that things will not be the same in a year or 2 - they might even be better, but that life presents us with constant obstacles and challenges but it WILL get better, we just have to face them and keep going. Stay with us here, I think you will find it worthwhile and very helpful.

Good luck!

I’m sorry you were betrayed and for how long the affair(s) lasted.

You have to overlook the cheater’s crying and self pity. It is hard to know if it’s true remorse or simply regret because he was caught or found out.

Right now you have to do what is best for you. Put yourself first. You cannot save yourself, the cheater AND the marriage by yourself.

It is important you focus on your healing right now.

Im so sorry you are facing the trauma of marital treason. It is a pain unlike any other.

You have received excellent tactical advice already. I encourage you to take all of the above very seriously. I wish to god I had received this input early on after my own ancient betrayal. I consider much of the above priceless.

A few points jumped out to me in your post:

I don't think he understands what he did to me and our family.

No, no he does not. I dont think the vast majority of marital traitors understand what utter destruction they have wrought in their marriage and in the soul of their spouse. The lack of empathy is staggering.

I asked why a million times. 

Its natural to ask this question. The issue is that when you turn it inward it can result in being riddled with self doubt at one of the worse moments of your life. If you turn that question where it belongs, on the traitor, you are trying to scrutinize the inscrutable. Its a gordian knot, best left to the marital traitor to figure out. As has been recommended already, try to focus on yourself, your support, your healing. His soul-disease is his to figure out.

Be careful of this:

He is getting me flowers and gifts. He's helping around the house. He is talking with the kids (he acted/hinted for years that the kids are annoying obligations) and making efforts. Big efforts and changes.

This love & care bombing may look nice on the surface but can just be a veneer reaction to the guilt he is feeling for being exposed as a fraud. What he needs and what you need to see and hear are massive rehab efforts on his part to radically change the direction of his life which includes regular and immersive therapy, both general behavioral and post affair recovery. This will take years of hard work. Human behavior is notoriously hard to change. My advice is to tell him to stop with the flowers and extra chores and shoulder the true work of cognitive and behavioral change.

On that note, try to draw no conclusions or make big decisions about your marriage or future for a while. If you attempt reconciliation, know that it is a multi year long effort with no garuntees. IMO most traitors pose a considerable future risk, the truly remorseful waywards notwithstanding (very few and far between imo).

Go slowly, continue to invest in yourself like never before.

I wish you ever increasing strength, healing and clarity.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:13 PM, Sunday, May 3rd]