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It seems like, at least a part of you, had convinced yourself it was not as 'bad' as it was.

Oh, absolutely. It's pretty typical WS behavior to focus on the things that showed nominal integrity and/or "could have been worse." From there, it's a shorter jump than you'd think to airbrushing reality in your own head. No one wants to be the villain in their own story.

Be patient about the double post but I would really appreciate perspective on these questions:

Comparisons:

I think they are unavoidable.

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When did you compare your Betrayed Partner with your AP (or APs)?

The comparison for the OM/OW "winning" when you fall for the affair is natural (at least in some moments / stages)?

Moments spent together, wishing you were with OM/OW or imagining how it could be with OM/OW?

Things you do together than you did in secret with OM/OW? What kind of emotions they elicit?

Does sexual comparison come up extremely often (in whatever extent, romantic or physical)?

Is it more intense before confessing / after confessing?

All those stories / lies that you said and maybe not confess yet, do they bring it up again?

Any regrets of things you did not have the chance to do with OM/OW that you are now stuck to do with your BS?

I wonder, the comparisons will never fully go away, whether you told the truth or not, there must be situations that bring it up.

The AP will always win after being chosen, for a period at least, or is permanent?

How does it compare to the sense of "freedom" you got from the affair?

How do you cope with your BS "knowing" or "feeling" there is, was, or likely will be (depending on the stage of betrayal), another person between the intimacy you and them share?

Regrets about moments who were better with either your BS / AP?

Last: if you manged to reconcile, does your BS stop comparing themselves to your OM/OW?

How long does it take (if it ever stops)?

- If you ever met by chance or heard about your AP, even years later, what's eliciting? And how about the above?

I only have half of the insight on these, can only speculate and that's always biased or ending up being blindsided

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:16 AM, Friday, March 13th]

Backfromthestorm, I did not compare the AP with my BH. My BH would have "won" on almost any comparison. I did compare how I felt with the AP to how I felt with my BH. I felt terrible around my BH, in some ways dead in the marriage, and around the AP I felt a sense of coming to life which I was not looking for, so the surprise of coming to life when I had unconsciously given up was part of the problem. Over time I learned how my own warped thinking created this mess and I was able to see everything much more clearly. Now, around my BH, I feel like a true version of myself and it feels wonderful. I know these are not answers to the questions you asked, but it feels like you are asking me what number is the sky. It's just not a question that makes any sense to me.

Thank you Pippin, is good insight.

Those are questions I mostly ask myself because I cannot make sense of.
Very possibly they are valid for some WS and not for others.

I am not sure how to express, I am kind of stuck on those questions.