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So much has come to light in this past year. After going through the motions and through my own observations and reflections, I’ve come to the conclusion that my WH appears to be the most affected by this "shit show" he’s brought to the table. Is this normal? I always considered the BS should be the most affected. That seems to not be the case for me.

Truth be told I was already checked out of my M prior to Dday and was heavily contemplating D and looking at different ways on how to execute this. Dday hits and it’s like I kinda froze in disbelief. Over the preceding months it was information overload, not just the A stuff, but learning how "bad" of a state my H was in, not only during the A, but long before. While I knew he had anxiety, I didn’t know the extremity of it and to top it off he also has insecurities. After his "indiscretions" came to light, and communication started to open up via MC and IC I am baffled by the depth of his "struggles" and am dumbfounded how he didn’t share much of this with me.

It’s almost like his infidelity has amplified his anxiety/insecurities and he’s having a hard time coping with his actions and the consequences that follow. I consider him to be in a dark place emotionally/mentally and while he tries his hardest to be there to support me, he struggles at times because there are days when he can barely keep it together for himself.

He did brain spotting in one of our MC sessions and he shared with me recently that he thinks it might of "backfired." Instead of going to a "happy place" he’s finding he’s doing the opposite. There are times I catch him staring off and he’s trying to calm himself, but he’s sitting there almost in like a trance like state crying. I usually have to snap him out of it.

Has anyone else experienced a WS like this? In many ways I refuse to "help and support" him because he brought this on himself and I’m the one who should be comforted and reassured. Then on the other hand, I can see he’s struggling immensely and as his W and the mother of his children I try to tell myself that it’s ok to offer him support if I’m strong enough to provide it.

There is apart of me that wonders if his A brought forth some sort of PTSD (or maybe triggered something else) … either way it has beaten him down mentally and I’m unsure what to do about it or how to go about it.

It’s almost like his infidelity has amplified his anxiety/insecurities and he’s having a hard time coping with his actions and the consequences that follow.

The Mirror of Truth is a bitch. And he may be having a hard time looking at it.
The biggest lie is the one you tell yourself - and the hardest truth is the one you tell yourself.

He may be having a very hard time now looking in that mirror through the lens of the cold hard truth. And realizing just how far the fallout of his actions actually reached. That's part of HIM doing HIS work. A good IC can help him with this.

Edited because my over caffeinated fingers hit POST before my brain had done telling them what to type

[This message edited by Chaos at 9:00 PM, Monday, November 4th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Chaos

He could have never prepared himself for just how destructive his choices would end up being. I don’t think he ever once thought they would have affected every piece of his life. He’s received an extremely harsh (and well deserved) wake up call. He has been seeing an IC for the past few months … I think it helps him to some degree, but he has a long ways to go to battle his demons.

User4578

I’m sorry you are going through something similar. It’s definitely a weird one. Like you, I feel like I’ve been the one "picking up all the mess." Frankly, I’m tired of it and refuse to further "pick" anything up after HIS betrayal - like this isn’t how it’s supposed to work.

I’m just over a year out now and in so many ways he’s done a complete 180 … I know in my heart he is extremely disgusted with himself and he’s remorseful for his choices. My stubborn side doesn’t like to let up though (which is where I struggle).

You’re right though. There is nothing wrong with being there to support him, but like you … I keep replaying the awful choices he made and I just want him to continue to stew in them until he explodes. Then on the other hand I know these feelings aren’t helpful and extremely morbid, especially since I can physically see how fragile he can be.

Hello.

I am having the same very situation and my brain is so full of confusion. I also feel sympathy towards my WH and how , now , he feels sad broken and miserable. He did all this because of having fallen into a depressed state and he says he would have committed suicide if he hadn't started communicating with "others".

He says sorry and apologises to me often always and wants me to reconcile. I am pretty sure I don't want to.

But it fills me with anxiety and restlessness. I also don't know what he wants and why he wants me to return now.

My WH behaved similarly post D-Day. I thought he was struggling with guilt and remorse, but it turned out he was withdrawing from his AP. He lied during MC. I supported him through the whole process, without knowing I was wasting my time.

Foolsparadise

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It really is confusing … all of this A shit just was never necessary for anyone to be better or to grow. If your Dday was around close to the time of your join date in September then you are still in those initial stages and your brain is still processing so many things and trying to piece together the puzzle. Give yourself time to figure out what you want … you will probably change your mind a million times along the way and that’s ok.

Survivor1412

I’m also sorry your going through this. I know in my situation Dday hit and my WH dropped the OW like a hot potato. They were coworkers and he ended things immediately the following day at work and within a couple months he choked up the courage to tell his boss what happened( they have a massive amount of respect for one other) and he got her fired ( I laugh because she was also trying to get him fired after realizing she wasn’t so "special" after all).

I’m not sure when your Dday was, but there is this thing called an "Affair Fog" where the WS state of mind is, in essence, consumed by the A and their AP. This definitely could be something your WH is experiencing. I’m very sorry he has lied in your MC, talk about waste of money and time. I suggest you get your own IC (Independent Counseling) … it can help if you find someone who specializes in betrayal trauma.

I’m not sure when your Dday was, but there is this thing called an "Affair Fog" where the WS state of mind is, in essence, consumed by the A and their AP. This definitely could be something your WH is experiencing. I’m very sorry he has lied in your MC, talk about waste of money and time. I suggest you get your own IC (Independent Counseling) … it can help if you find someone who specializes in betrayal trauma.

I thought he did come out of the fog at some stage because he was saying and doing all the right things. But as soon as she reached out, he went back in again and there was no return from that. It's almost like an addiction to him. He was no longer a safe partner for me so I had to let him go.