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Despite all the declarations to the contrary I believe the actual reason people tell the spouse of the obs is revenge, wanting to hurt the obs.

Your opinion baffles me. Why would anyone want to hurt the OBS? I can see an argument that telling the OBS is only done to take revenge on the AP (I don't agree, but at least I understand the logic). But targeting the OBS makes no sense at all.

Your opinion baffles me. Why would anyone want to hurt the OBS? I can see an argument that telling the OBS is only done to take revenge on the AP (I don't agree, but at least I understand the logic). But targeting the OBS makes no sense at all.

Apologies, I was misusing the acronym, was referring to the affair partner in my comments, not the other spouse. Made changes using ap to refer to the affair partner; hope that is correct. Thanks for the heads up.

[This message edited by flang at 3:16 AM, Tuesday, December 31st]

I wonder, before contacting the other spouse maybe speak with your clergy, priest, whatever applies, what would they advise? I can't imagine a priest saying we're morally obligated to contact the other spouse. If we're arguing what is morally correct than maybe they should be who we look to for guidance on the subject.

Flang-

I don’t think it’s about revenge for everyone. There are good reasons to tell that are not revenge:

-potential exposure to std’s. The ap may be having more than one affair. Some std’s are incurable, cause cancer, etc.
-more assurance the affair is over
-guilt you know and the other bs doesn’t
-the ablility to verify information

Having morality doesn’t mean that one needs to be religious.

There are moral reasons not to tell, such in cases where the other bs is abusive and violence is a real concern.

Most reasons I can think of protect you as the bs, so I am uncertain why you are framing these people as vengeful against the AP. Moreso, they feel protective of themselves and the other betrayed spouse.

Again, I wouldn’t judge whatever you choose but I feel like you are characterizing this in a way that says these people are bitter or vengeful. In reality, I think it takes someone of strong character to care enough about the other betrayed spouse they do not want to leave them in the dark about their spouses activities. They don’t want to see them continued to be played the fool, to remain susceptible to health concerns, future affairs, potentially involving themselves with someone who is crazy and will cause them or their family harm. I think it takes a lot of care and concern to tell.

It’s fine if you do not share those concerns but you are calling people out for judging you on your decision and then categorizing theirs as vengeful when you have no idea what it took some of these people to tell the obs. Telling the one in my situation was one of the worst things I had to do. I knew him and liked him. He had done a lot of stellar work for us. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I couldn’t see around not doing it.

I am sorry that you have felt judged for your decision, I think it’s hard enough to be a bs without feeling that from people, but don’t turn around and do it to them too.

Everyone is different, except to the extent that they're all the same.

Betrayal trauma strikes at the core of your being. I thought I had "made peace with myself" and found "acceptance" but I ended up back here decades later trying to deal with my unresolved pain. You can't heal what you don't feel and things only stay swept under the rug for so long. Beyond that, we see here again and again the outcomes when WSs aren't held accountable and never get to true remorse.

I was fortunate in that my WW didn't wreck a family other than our own. Her POSOM was single. But my opinion on the topic of informing OBS is based on my own experience. During the year of their A do I desperately wish that someone who knew had told me? Absolutely. I wish I could have had one less month, one less day, or one less minute of being a sap and could have avoided months of TT and gaslighting. To stand by and do nothing while someone is betrayed and abused is amoral and cowardly, in my view.

I’m a big advocate of exposing, but I do so for purely selfish reasons.
If you discover your spouse’s infidelity and decide and commit 100% to ending your relationship with NO intent or wish to reconcile or attempt reconciliation... the pragmatic Bigger would probably tell you to move on in the best way to get the best result for you. That might NOT include letting the AP partner know.

If however, you are unsure, or have some wish to reconcile... definitely expose.

Like I said in my earlier post on this thread:
Our experience indicates that in probably 8 out of 10 instances where the AP spouse is informed the initial reaction is to end the affair. That if the AP is a married man, the odds are probably 19/20 that they will dump the AP and try to save their marriage.

I can add to the above that if you don’t expose, then the odds of the affair carrying on at least double.

So if not for ethical or moral reasons, and definitely not for revenge or pain. Expose if you want a shot at saving your relationship.
Or don’t if you have no interest in doing so...

No one in the history of ever is deliberately trying to hurt the unwitting, innocent OBS by revealing the truth to them. It's a preposterous assertion and I wonder where it's coming from. Are you a closeted WS? Are you a BS who would rather have remained oblivious?

As a survivor of aggressive cervical cancer from the HPV virus that left me unable to have children, it would be IMMORAL to not tell the OBS that they may be being exposed to potentially deadly sexually transmitted diseases that are symptomless in men. HPV is widely prevalent (22% of adults carry it according to the CDC in the US). By informing the OBS, they can get the regular screening that can catch cervical cell abnormalities before it becomes cancerous - it is not a recommended annual screening and many women don’t get it thinking they don’t need to.

The OBS should have agency over their own health and well-being.If they believe they are in a monogamous relationship, they may not be getting the health screenings that can save their life. If the OBS is a man, he may now be carrying this virus caught from his WS and may unwittingly give it to someone else down the road (if he and WS divorce, widowed, etc.).

This alone justifies telling the OBS.

Also, please do not imply that morality should determined by clergy. This is a humanity issue, not a religious one.