SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well it's been a while since I have posted. Long story short I had moved back into our home with my children and WW after a 2 month separation. The separation really helped me get to a better space in my head, and helped me reflect and feel the needs and emotions that I needed to do. Since moving in my WW has been affectionate, in-tuned to my moods/emotions, and does check in pretty much daily with me in how I am doing.

For the holidays I buried all my emotions and feelings for the sake of tradition and my kids. I wanted to have a "normal" Christmas with the family after everything this last year has brought. But now I feel kinda lost. I am getting waves of sadness and anger. I almost feel like I am am sacrificing my own self-respect by sticking around. I feel like I am missing something.

After the first of the year I want us to revisit MC after a 6 month hiatus with a new therapist - someone who has specializes in infidelity. Sometimes I still feel uncomfortable expressing my feelings and thoughts to my WW - and I know I shouldn't. Just wondering if those in R have any recommendations or advice.

Need a nudge out of this funk.

I always feel a little funky anyway in the days between Christmas and the new year. How do you feel about focusing on some soothing self-care distractions until you get started with the new MC? Maybe try to call a moratorium on "work" until then and just "be"? Or would it feel better to you to be productive?

How are your kids doing, wjbrennan78?

I believe your oldest was having the most difficulty after finding out about his mom's affair. You know, more than likely, he has told his siblings what he learned. Kids aren't stupid and in situations like these the kids will band together for support. How have the children been acting towards your WW? If she was so concerned and worried about your friends finding out the truth that at one point she just wanted to run away and start over... how has she reacted when her children found out the truth?

[This message edited by NukeZombie at 10:55 PM, Friday, December 27th]

My infidelity experience took place over the holiday season. Although I eventually decided to R, after filing for D, I would feel the same as you at the holiday season for several years. I think your feelings are normal. There is no shortcut. You will feel the rollercoaster of emotions. The thing that helped me is always checking on myself. Yes, I had been cheated on, but in the process of dealing with the mess, I realized that I like myself. In the process of R I required honesty and transparency. I suffered no disrespect from her. R is a gift she did not deserve. My fWW worked her butt off to be a better partner. It all starts with you. If you like yourself, you will respect yourself. No one can take that away. If you get to the point of realizing you don’t need the M, but you are staying because you want the M, but will survive either way, you are well on the way to healing. Your WW needs to do the work to try and rebuild trust and earn your respect. You will be fine either R or D. Your children are lucky to have you. Good luck.

But now I feel kinda lost. I am getting waves of sadness and anger. I almost feel like I am am sacrificing my own self-respect by sticking around. I feel like I am missing something.

Feeling the grief and anger - knowing what you're feeling - is crucial to being, and it's crucial to healing. Sometimes, though, it's important to put feelings aside for something you think is a greater good, like as normal a Christmas as you can have. You can resolve feelings at any time, after all.

But delaying processing feelings is a sacrifice not of self-respect but of self. It takes energy to put the feelings on hold. One's lizard brain doesn't like doing that, so your discomfort is probably a reaction to the internal conflict between expressing feelings now and putting the expression off for a while.

But consider this: At a very difficult time, you're sacrificing your self in the hope of increasing your kids' joy. That's not something to sneer at - just the opposite.

Sure, putting feelings aside smacks of rug-sweeping. If you continue rug-seeping after New Year, I'd agree you'd be sacrificing self-respect and self. If you go back to addressing issues, though, I'd urge you to increase your self-respect and forgive yourself for putting a hold on issues for this brief period.

I almost feel like I am am sacrificing my own self-respect by sticking around. I feel like I am missing something.

Early on in my own recovery, I had this mental battle as well, and I think maybe all of us do at some point.

After a while, regardless of how things turned out, I realized the only thing I did was love my family and there is no sin or shame in that.

I understood that I held up my end of the marriage and a whole lot more. I kept my honor, my vows and loved my family to the best of my ability. I didn't have to offer grace, and I did. I didn't owe a last chance and yet, I gave it.

Wanting to see if a family can be kept whole is an honorable intention.

My wife made the choices that endangered the M, not me.

Once I understood what happened, I asked for the changes I needed in order to move forward. If it continues to be better and we do better, I'm good. If the relationship falters and ends, I will always be able to look myself in the mirror and know I did all I could.

My self-respect is fully intact.

Hi Brennan,

The ways I deal with lack is to focus on where there is abundance.

For example, when you feel you are having issues with self respect, remind yourself of what you do respect yourself for.

You are a good father, friend, you have been a good husband (her lack of appreciation of this doesn’t make it less true), and go on from there.

This doesn’t mean I think reconcile or take any shit. Just remind yourself of your good qualities. What she has done is not a statement of you. And if you need things to go more slowly with her, then do.

But definitely spend time reflecting on the ways you do respect yourself and I think you may find that it’s a lot of things, regardless of your marriage you have importance all your own.

It’s her that has an uphill climb and be secure to stay detached and let her do that work of earning your respect back of her. I don’t mean that in a punitive way at all- simply that where the boundaries really should be is this has been her failure. She needs to examine that and figure out what to do with it and until you feel that happening, you need to be authentic to where you find yourself. I have a feeling some of what you are feeling is due to a little faking it? Going along to get along? I am not saying be mean or cruel but it’s normal not to act normal too. Hard balance with kids at home.

How much of the lack of self respect is do to the affair, or how much is the fact that you have given her chance after chance to cut ties and really do the work, which she hasn’t done?

My gut is telling me that most of it is the latter. You have set boundaries time and again, and she tramples all over them. You shouldn’t feel lack of respect for her affair. That was all on her. However, the fact she constantly breaks no contact after I’m sure you tell her one more strike and she is out is something that is now on you. She isn’t respecting you, and you consequently feel no respect for yourself.

Even with the prospect of divorce she behaves like a two year old when you tell them if they throw their food one more time and they look right at you while they take a handful of carrots and throw them against the wall. Like what are you really going to do

The fact you separated for months is great. It puts some teeth in your boundaries . You need to stress that this is the last chance, and you need to mean it.

I’m sorry you are struggling.

One of the things that affect those who R is the "judgement" we get or perceive from others. As in "how can you stay married to a cheater".

That was my own internal struggle. Because I always thought I would not R with a cheater. Ever.

I also had to accept that my H’s cheating had nothing to do with me. I put him first for decades and did everything I could to make his life easier. His cheating was from his own insecurities and need for an ego boost from other women.

I used to think he was so strong and dependable.

What I learned is I am braver than he will ever be b/c I don’t hide from situations and pretend they don’t exist. I man up and face things head on.

You have to untangle yourself from your marriage. By that I mean your self worth and value comes from who YOU are — not the state of your marriage or whether your spouse cheats or not.

My view is I am happy and I choose to share my happiness with others. It is not my job to make my H happy. That’s his responsibility. I can add to his happiness but he has to be happy with himself first.

I hope you can reconcile and be happy.

I think right now the best thing would be to talk to your IC. Detach from your W and focus on making your life anew.Your healing will not come f4on your W. It will come from work you do in IC.

Look your W doesn't have the emotional intelligence to see her actions as contrary to her values. She needs to work through those truths before she is going to finally realize how she has been acting.

Has she maintained no contact? What else has she done other than wrap herself in shame. She needs to repair all her relationships, but until finds the acceptance that she isn't as good of a person as she claims to be. I'd say an unremorseful cheating spouse is high up there on the "bad person" scale.

FWIW She lacks the courage to accept these as truths because it would mean admitting to all the nasty labels that one that cheats on their spouse can be called.

It is not selfishness holding her back. It is the fear that who she really is not as great of a human being. She is afraid. That is what is holding her back. Her IC needs to challenge her more. Maybe time for a new one? Just my .02.

I think I get what you are experiencing.

First, Christmas. It is supposed to be a time of the year for family. A time of innocence(?), joy, peace, and a whole load of other feel-good stuff. Memories of being happy during childhood, and you wanting to impart the same emotional memories to your kids.

Second, your WW. This is the source of your pain. Has she finally gone NC with her AP (which can be corroborated)? Did she contact him whilst you were separated? These niggly thoughts could be lurking at the back of your mind as they have never been settled conclusively as she has always TTd you.

Add these two components together, and you get a roiling mess of emotions.

You might feel that you are sacrificing your own self-respect, but might be good to look at it another way. You are building emotional memories with your kids for this period of the year.

How to get out of this funk? Perhaps you should work on the 180 until you get your emotions steady. By engaging with your WW, you are sending mixed signals to yourself. Confusing yourself even further.

Focus on your kids and yourself.