SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

More than 2 years have passed since DD. I do know it takes way longer than that to heal. However, I am struggling to start moving on emotionally in any way and feel like I would like to do that, for myself.

It's like I'm always waiting on the other shoe to drop. I am always waiting to find out we are in false R (although I am eternally grateful for this forum it does have a triggering effect on this fear due to posters returning after years of R to a second DD). I have found no proof or any signs of such for 2 years. I still check his phone and computer every few weeks at least, previously I did that often. We still have tracking on our devices and I am on high alert always for any signs in any way. As far as I know/have found out there has been no breach of NC rules, or any other suspicious behaviour. But I just can't trust it. I had thought that over time, with checking and verifying, I would start feeling at least slightly less on edge, but I haven't.

WH has done what I've requested and he takes my constant cross-examining and questioning and accusing him and answers my questions, volunteers his phone etc. We've been in IC as well as MC. Read the books etc.

The only thing he hasn't managed to do that was an absolute dealbreaker for me was get a new job, however it's not from lack of trying. In fact, he's applied for more than 50 jobs the past two years. Not just in our area but all over the country as well as abroad. He's in a very specific field so it's difficult, I can't really go into too much detail without giving out more info than I want to but suffice to say, it's a difficult field with extremely few possible employment options. He's been interviewed several times but so far has ended up without a new job. This means he's still in the same building although on a different floor than the AP. As far as I know, he adheres to our strict arrangements for them not to cross paths, no xmas parties or other social get togethers etc. I do believe this is one of the main reasons I feel so utterly unsafe and he is struggling to remedy this and I'm noticing it's started to take a toll on his self-esteem that he hasn't managed to get another job for so long.

Another reason I struggle with any sort of trust at all is that I just can't shake my belief that infidelity is a character issue more than a circumstances issue. Meaning, I've always believed in my core until DD infidelity is a bad person thing more than a good person doing a bad thing -thing. I've tried, genuinely, to change that view for the past 2 years. Because I want it to, need it to be true, in order to R with him. But I think my gut is telling me I'm just kidding myself. And since my gut tells me it's a character thing, then any R would be false, and it's just a question of when, not IF he relapses. It might be 10 or 20 years down the line, but still.

I dont' believe there is much, if anything more my WH can do to remedy these feelings or thoughts for me. I do believe this is a me-issue that I need to deal with myself. I need to take the plunge so to speak, to start trusting at least a tiny tiny bit. Still verify obviously, no blind trust anymore, but I need to take the step, for myself. Because being on high alert 24/7 for more than two years now is just exhausting. I pain shop and I sabotage any better moments for myself due to these issues. I don't dare relax or enjoy his company or any nice moments at all. And I want to be able to do that. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[This message edited by Miserylikescompany at 12:42 PM, Monday, December 30th]

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. I went back and read your last couple threads, it sounds like you've been in this place for a while now, feeling flat and contrasting that to the magic of the past.

You started this thread with this goal:

I am struggling to start moving on emotionally in any way and feel like I would like to do that, for myself.

And by the end of your post you are giving this solution to achieve the goal:

I need to take the plunge so to speak, to start trusting at least a tiny tiny bit.

I think your goal is right on. A human soul is not meant to live in the agony of betrayal trauma, it's too awful. The sheer pain of it at the core of our being is enough to make us at least consider giving up much of what we love in this life just to save the kernel of ourself. You don't deserve this pain and you should prioritize above all else getting out of it.

So then, how do we do that? That is harder, and slower, and nuanced for different people. But what makes me nervous about your proposed solution is that you seem to be conflating healing the marriage with healing yourself. I did that too, but it was a huge shift in my thinking (and feeling) when I separated them. It's at the core of my signature: "People are more important than the relationships they are in". You as a beautiful human soul matter as much as anything in the created universe. The bond to another (equally valuable) human is in no way comparable in terms of value and substance. Yes, the marriage (the bond) might be broken. But far, FAR more problematic is that you, YOU, are so hurt and broken. They are not the same.

Do you have peace with the idea that the marriage genuinely could end? I was so terrified of that for so long. It wasn't until I truly looked that in the face and conquered that fear that I was able to really take steps to prioritize my own healing. And I'm 2 1/2 years out from D-Day 1 and I'm doing well. I feel stable, I even feel joy when the moments arise. I got here by not holding anything in, not holding anything back. I belched out my pain here and explored every nuanced thought and emotion that came to me. EMDR was truly transformational. Honesty with friends and close family. I think you need to be radically honest with yourself about what you (YOU!) want and need and pursue it.

You as a beautiful human soul matter as much as anything in the created universe. The bond to another (equally valuable) human is in no way comparable in terms of value and substance. Yes, the marriage (the bond) might be broken. But far, FAR more problematic is that you, YOU, are so hurt and broken. They are not the same.

Ink, may I say that is the most profound thing I've read here in years? We should ALL print that off and frame it!

slight t/j Ink I so remember your struggles to reach the point you've clearly reached; I have to admit, my staying stuck in limbo these many years seems to prevent me getting to that place. I hope we all absorb your wise message and take action to live it. end t/j

[This message edited by Superesse at 4:59 PM, Monday, December 30th]

Inkhulks post is so right on the mark. I am "decentering" my romantic spousal relationship, and that has been the biggest help to my healing. . Yes I am still in the marriage. I will remain faithful and continue to be a good decent person which I have always been to him. I am starting to enjoy his company more as I become triggered less with time. But, I prioritize myself first. I do not think I will ever go back to completely being all in with a romantic relationship. Not in the way I was before. And at this point we really do not have a romantic relationship we are building a friendship. The trust is still too broken for me at this point.
As far as the character question I agree with you that I do think it is a character issue. Can people improve on their character? Yes I do think they can. I’ve accepted he has a very deep character flaw. One that I would not have married him had I known. But again comes the acceptance part. I did marry him and these are my current choices.
I have told my almost 20 year old daughter that we can have more than just a love story with our spouse or boyfriend. I have a love story with myself. With my best friend that I’ve had for 30 years since college. With my sisters that I am very close to. Personally I have had to reframe my marriage to stay in it. And I am at peace and starting to be ok with that. I do not think everyone can be ok with that and it may be best to D if that is where you get stuck. I still may end up getting out of the marriage but for now I am making progress and my WH has been consistent.
I feel for you, that in between feeling is really very difficult. I’m still in it but feel myself inching toward being at peace in the relationship and just trusting that if he cheats again I am grounded enough in my own healing that I’ll be just fine.

I suspect that trusting yourself is the first step. Yes, your WS may cheat again. They may be cheating even now; your R may be as false as a $3 bill. But you can survive and thrive even so. Once you get that realization into your gut, the outcome for your M/relationship fades in importance.

Healing requires earning back trust in yourself and accepting that trust.

About 2.5 years out, I brought up my lack of trust for my W in an MC session. Our MC shut me down immediately - 'It's too early,' she said. Looking back on that, I have these hypotheses. First, it was too early because it takes more than 2.5 years for a WS to earn back the BS's trust. Second, the very fact that didn't trust my W meant that it was too early to trust her.

If you don't trust yourself, it's too early. Focus on (re)building your strengths. You'll be able to trust yourself when you get string enough. Don't beat yourself up for weakness, though; you'll always have weaknesses. Instead, celebrate every advance you make.