SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I’ve recently posted in the "Just found out" section, after finding out my Husband has had a 21 year long term affair - well, relationship - with another woman.
The first 15 years it was a PA and the last 6 years an EA.

We are both living in the same house and have both just started IC.

So far, he has done everything that has been suggested:

- Cut off all contact with her and told her it’s over
- Changed his phone number and blocked her on all social media
- Accepted all responsibility
- Answers all my questions
- Has given me full access to his phone and accounts
- Said that he will go to IC for as long as it takes and wants to show me that he wants to make our marriage work

He tells me that he loves me, has never loved her and doesn’t know why he’s done this. He said he has never felt any guilt which scares him. Said he never thought I’d find out and has been able to separate the 2 lives completely.

He wants to try and find out who he is and why he’s done this in his IC sessions. It has already come up in his first session about a childhood trauma he suffered.

I want to have some IC sessions to help me process all this as, 8 weeks on from finding out, I’m still struggling to grasp the reality of it as I never suspected a thing over the years (he would see her when he was working, so he said I would never have known or suspected).

Has anyone else on here reconciled with their Wife/Partner after such a long term affair?

I haven’t told loads of people yet as I just wanted to get the counselling going first. But I have told a few friends who tell me I won’t ever be able to trust him again (which is how I’m feeling at the moment) while others say that I’ve been with him for almost 30 years and this is not the actions of the man they know. And they have suggested us both having the IC, to see if it helps me process things and also gets some answers as to why he’s done this and not felt any guilt.

Ultimately, I know it’s my decision alone whether to stay with him or not and it’s my life. So I will make the decision as to whether I want to try and make this work or not. But I just wondered whether reconciliation is possible after such a long term affair, mainly when the WH does appear to be trying to do the right thing?

Please be gentle with your responses please as I’m still finding this journey very up and down and just trying to make sure that I don’t make any hasty decision when my head is all over the place. Thank you.

Call me a wimp, but I think R is possible, even likely, when both partners do the necessary work. After all, recovering from being betrayed is about the present and future, not the past. And while love is not enough to make R work, it is a great reason to choose R - if you and your partner will do the work.

Having said that, yours is the first time I've read of an A that lasted 21 years - I think the longest I've read about is 15 years, and I don't remember the outcome(s).

I think a good IC can help you heal. Once you get some healing done, I think you'll find clarity about what you want and what you'll do. For now, I think it makes sense to stay together and work on yourselves and your relationship until you make the decisions.

I don't know if this will make sense to you right now, but your H didn't cheat because of any issue with you. He cheated because of his own issues. This is all on him and not at all on you.

Some of the realizations you relate are very sound. I love my W, and I think of myself as trusting her - but I know she can betray me again. I believe I can go off the rails, too, and betray her. So healing includes learning to trust yourself again. If you do that, trusting him becomes a non-issue.

Myreco is to find a good IC and work with them to heal yourself and to figure out what you want. If it turns out you want R, a good IC may be able to help you figure out if he's a good-great-lousy-in-between candidate for R. If you figure out that you don't want him any more, accept that. You don't owe him a chance to R.

Not BTW, a good IC can help you forgive yourself for not noticing the A. I needed that help for a 22 week A; misinterpreting the red and yellow flags usually causes a problem.

I don’t think you should focus on taking any decisions right now. This is a major setback to you emotionally, so you aren’t in the right frame of mind anyways. I would totally focus on your healing and also get your ducks in a row. Six months from now, you might change your mind and decide you want out.

Your husband needs to figure out how he could carry on an affair guilt free. It’s his burden to carry and his mystery to solve. You should not blame yourself for any of this. It’s all on him.

Is R possible ? Yes. Provided he puts in the work consistently. There is a lot of unpack and process here, so lots of patience as well. There is no shame if you decide to stay . Again, the shame is all his. But you need to make sure you get healthy to take the right decision.

Go to IC for a while and heal. You don't have to make a decision right now. I gave myself 6-month increments to re-evaluate the situation to see what I was thinking/feeling. You could do something similar.

Watch your WH's actions, which may take a while for you to see if he's working on being a safe partner or not.

This is trauma, and it takes years to heal. Then, it takes longer for the relationship to heal. It's a marathon and not a sprint.

One of the things that we say about the advice here is to take what you need and leave the rest. Read and ask questions. You'll get varied responses, so use what fits for you.

Some people are very good at compartmentalization, which it sounds like your WH is very good at it.

You shouldn't feel guilt or shame, as nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say caused him to cheat. That is 100% on him.

In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for people whose spouse was in a LTA. You might be able to find some wisdom there.

I put off responding because I was hoping somebody would come here and tell you that yes – they did manage to work through a 21 year affair or something along that line.

I want to reiterate something I shared previously on your past thread.
Irrespective of if you eventually reconcile or divorce, have a clear picture of what divorce would look like. If he’s willing to do anything to help save his marriage, then he would possibly be willing to sign some legally-binding (at least legally limiting) document outlining marital assets now, as well as marital debt and how for the next 12 months neither of you will do anything to change that status. I.e. he won’t secretly mortgage the house, won’t hide his parents inheritance or won’t run up a credit-card debt or sell his company... Keeping in mind this is someone that cheated for 21 years and could then dismiss his paramour instantly this is not an unreasonable request.

Granted – IF after 8 months you do decide to divorce he could have done one or more of the things I outline, but with a document stating the status as-is then that could lead to him getting less of remaining assets.

This is not a recommendation that you divorce, nor even a suggestion you do so. It’s rather a realization and acceptance for both of you that this COULD end in divorce, and that his trust-level is somewhere below zero. It emphasizes the frailty of your situation, and that in turn should emphasize the effort he needs to show and put in place.

Sisoon, thank you so much. What you have said absolutely makes total sense. My H has to own his issues. He is actually at IC right now and is very keen to find out who he is, why he has done this and why he has never felt any guilt or remorse.
I can honestly say that there have never been any flags – he would always see her when he was at work (or tell me he was at work and then take time off to see her) so I had absolutely no idea this was going on as I believed he was working.
He said that he has hidden this incredibly well and, looking back, he is scared of the person he is because he’s done it so well.

Abalone123, thankyou you’re absolutely right, I have to give myself time to heal. And also time to get all my ducks lined up. It’s only been 8 weeks since I found out and my thoughts & feelings change every day. So I know I am not in the right place to make any serious decisions right now. And you’re absolutely right in saying that it is all on him.
He says that I’ve always been an amazing wife and mother and that it is him that has got the problem. Hopefully, IC can help him with this.

Leafields, thank you, I will be having weekly IC and hope that it helps me to process this and heal. I think you’re absolutely right in recommending a 6 months timeframe, and I can then reassess where I am at that point.
My H has definitely compartmentalised – he said that he never thought of her when he was with me and never thought of me and our sons when he was with her. He said he has been able to keep the 2 sides completely separate. Hopefully his IC will help him understand how and why he has done this so easily.

Bigger, thank you again for your advice and support. And thank you for your suggestion of us discussing what divorce looks like. We don’t have any parents left alive unfortunately so have already had any inheritance coming to us. And we own our own house, but I will definitely be speaking to him about transparency with anything else. He needs to know the seriousness of this and what we could potentially be working towards if there’s any chance of us working through this.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support 🫶🏼

I just read your other thread, and I’m so very sorry you are going through this trauma. All of us here are dealing with the shock and pain and repercussions of infidelity, and I’m not usually one to try to rank whose experience or pain is worse. That said, I think it’s important to acknowledge when someone’s experiences are outside the norm, and a 21 year hidden relationship/separate life is pretty out there. In my mind it raises some really deep questions about who your husband is. That doesn’t mean you can’t reconcile, but I feel like it warrants some serious time getting your bearings before you commit to that path.

Also, do what bigger said. My husband had a garden variety midlife affair with a coworker, and I was committed to reconciliation from the get-go (I would approach it differently if I had a do-over, though I’m happy with my decision to stay with him). However, the absolute best thing I did was figure out exactly what my practical path toward divorce would look like. My first hyperbolic thought was that it would be a death knell to my financial future and destroy my children’s well being. But I got down to brass tacks and figured out a workable path toward separation and divorce with the least negative impact on me, my kids, and my elderly mother in law who lives with us.

Figuring that out gave my brain some respite from the turmoil of infidelity trauma by distracting me with practical concerns. It also made me feel empowered, and even though I’ve never been close to initiating divorce, having a plan helps me feel like reconciliation is a real, free, true choice I am making instead of something I’m trying because I have no other options.

Take your time. Your husband turned 21 years of your life into a lie. You deserve the time you need to figure out which way is up.

Thank you Grieving. I have yet to find someone who’s dealing with a betrayal as long as this one. I honestly had no idea. No red flags. No gut feeling. But he would see this OW when he was at work and, in his words, he’s never felt guilty and hid it all exceptionally well.
Our close friends and family who know are as shocked at this as I am. They too never saw anything to hint at what he was doing.
I totally understand what you’re saying about looking at what separation looks like. I am worried about what the future holds as, if we separate, it looks nothing like the one we had planned.
Even though he’s hurt me beyond words, I can’t imagine my life without him. So I do need to go there and map it all out.
We have actually discussed what would happen if we divorced and what that would look like. We perhaps need to discuss this all further so that we’re both in agreement.

I can only relate my own experiences, but I do know you will eventually heal and recover, regardless of the path you choose.

My wife had an LTA and then confessed it nearly 15 years after the fact.

Sometimes, especially early on, I think I only counted the PA part of my wife’s LTA, just so I could wrap my head around trying to process the whole thing.

It was 4- years PA, and 2-3 years EA after the PA was over.

I knew I was at least getting honest answers when I asked her, if AP didn’t dump her, how long would it have gone on? She didn’t know.

Something about that compartmentalization stuff is as fascinating as it is horrifying.

In my case, I offered a shot at grace, but I required a number of long term changes, and I had a partner who was willing to own all of her choices and figure out how to heal from her bad choices and unhealthy childhood. Until my wife understood why she needed that extra external validation, there wouldn’t be a safe future for the M.

Based on your timeline, I was still in shock for the first three months.

If your WH owns it all, does the work, you will be able to decide down the road if the effort to rebuild the M is worth it.

Hi, so sorry your husband put you through this hell. I can't imagine being lied to for so many years. My heart is breaking for you.

Is it possible to reconcile? Absolutely, but I don't think you should make any commitment to R right now.

Gently, your husband has been having an affair since just a couple years after you were married. That's going to be a difficult pill to swallow and IMO it's going to take a long, long time to come to terms with what that means. Usually right after discovery, the BS is in shock and it takes awhile for the shock to wear off and the reality to set in along with the anger and sometimes real rage.

Please find a GOOD IC with betrayal trauma experience who can help you navigate this nightmare. Make the decision that is right for you, continue to be vigilant and watch your husband's actions.

Focus on your emotional and physical health right now. Meet with your MD for some temporary medications if you need them, and please get tested for STDS.

Lean on trusted family and friends. Post as often as you need to.

I'm not sure if there is an old thread in the I Can Relate forum for members who had to deal with long-term affairs.

My heart goes out to you.

I also never, for one second, imagined a future in which I was divorced. Giving myself the space to imagine it grounded me and put me in a place to make a real choice.

I think it might be empowering and calming to work through some of this on your own first before talking with your husband about what divorce would look like. If you decide at some point to divorce, you can have that joint discussion then, but I think you’ll have more clarity if you retreat into yourself a little and figure out options on your own, or with input from a wise, savvy, caring friend or relative (or legal professional). That was the case for me, anyway. Each person has to find the way through that works for them, though. Whatever path you choose, it’s going to be messy and painful for a while, but you’ll get to the other side. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

Feel like a broken record:
Discussing divorce isn’t enough.

Look – I have been chastised by some on this (and other) forums for being pro-reconciliation. For many, simply thinking R is possible is enough to get that brand. I do think R is possible, even in your situation.
But I also like to be realistic...
What bothers me the most in your situation is how cold and detached your WH is regarding his affair partner of TWENTYONE years. Add to that how he carefully and calmly managed to hide this from you – a whole double life.
This makes me concerned that while he talks about D with you, and while he works at R with you, he could also be working at moving assets, diluting company-stock, tying up debt... whatever.
In simple words: He hasn’t earned my trust, and he definitely shouldn’t have yours as-is.

I think some more formal documentation might be in order... Don’t know if post-nups are allowed in the UK, but something that makes it clear what is in the marriage NOW so that IF six months from now you discover his third wife...

But I just wondered whether reconciliation is possible after such a long term affair, mainly when the WH does appear to be trying to do the right thing?

Assuming your WH does the right thing, you are really asking us whether you specifically are capable of reconciling with your husband. You, of course, are the only person who can eventually answer that, and likely the only way to know for sure is to try, and try smartly.

You will ultimately have to accept not knowing everything about the A, knowing that you never really truly knew your husband (he may not have known himself either), and being confident that this is a person you want to still be around. You have to be willing to go on a journey of discovery to even try to R, and some things you discover will be painful. It will be a gift that keeps giving.

You have to be willing to really look behind the curtain, see your husband as a member of the crooked timber of humanity, and accept that. You will have to un-know him, because what you thought was ‘him’ was wrong. Watch him like you just met him. You will have to value uncomfortable truths above comfortable lies. You will have to detach Who You Are from Who He Is (or Who You Thought He Is). That, I think, is the toughest hurdle.

Can you do these things? That’s up to you. It will take work. The good news is if you can, you will have grown.

You may well do all of them, and still go your separate paths. What you may have learned in trying is that your paths need to diverge. The time trying won’t have been wasted, if you try smartly.

Sending strength!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Remember you are going through a really big trauma right now. Lots of people throw the word trauma around too casually. But this IS a trauma … through and through. There are people in your life who just won’t get that, but treat it as such and take really good care of yourself.

Lots of people here have chimed in with great advice so I just have one thing to add. The best response I got from a friend two years ago was, "I’m so sorry and you didn’t deserve this. But know that I will support you whether you stay or go. No judgement - that is your decision to make." People are well meaning … but have a healthy caution for those who are a little too certain about what you should do. Nobody can be a hundred percent certain about a life that isn’t theirs. So seek out people that just want to help you find your own peace.

Sending you lots of love.

[This message edited by forestfirepine at 8:30 PM, Saturday, January 4th]

House of Plane, something about your post reminds me a little bit of the poem If, by Kipling. I can go on for days about how Kipling is problematic, but I memorized that poem as a kid and it came back to me in dealing with infidelity.

Sorry for the thread Jack.

Bigger, as usual, spot on.
Piggybacking on his post, the problem that I would have getting around is, how he stated what he did, and how he felt, and did not feel. He felt no guilt. I don’t think he does now. I think he is more curious than anything to see how he did it. He never made a wrong move. This is just me reading what you wrote but he sounds like a sociopath. There is enough info out there that states 4% of the world’s population is sociopathic. Most of them are not thieves and killers. There are world leaders and CEOs purported to be. My husband hired a couple to help run our business and the wife is sociopathic. Her husband did the job. She made everyone’s life hell. Their contract was not renewed. She was conniving about something constantly. She is not as smart as your husband so did not get away with anything except driving us crazy for a year. Please understand this is just me forming an opinion on very little information.
Whatever you do see an attorney to protect you financially either way.

How are you today, numb? Try to find little ways to take care of yourself—betrayal on this scale is such a blow, and even if it sounds cliched, self care is so important. Thinking of you.

Grieving, thank you for your earlier post and for checking in on me today. I’m having a calmer day today. My H and I have been talking today and he’s been answering some more of my questions.
I agree with what you said about taking time on my own to think about separation and divorce and what that would look like. My H has already said that if we D he will sign the house over to me, so he’s already thinking about it himself.
It’s only been 8 weeks since I found out so I need to work on my IC for now and see where that takes me. Thank you again.

Oldwounds, I totally get what you’re saying about compartmentalisation. He has absolutely done that and been very good at it. He appears to be owning this and is keen to investigate this further in his own IC sessions as he said, looking back, it scares him as to how easily he has done this.

Annb, thank you, I have just started IC with a trauma specialist. I have my next session tomorrow so I’m hoping it will help me process all of this and help me start to heal. I’ve been checked out for STDs and I’m all clear thankfully.

Bigger, as always, thank you again for your advice. H is doing his own IC and said that he needs to investigate how he’s been so cold and detached with no guilt, as he hates the person he is. I’ve told him that’s his own journey to take but that I would be interested to know what he discovers (if anything).

HouseOfPlane, thank you, I understand what you’re saying totally. I think there has to be a lot of soul searching on both sides if we are to even think about R further down the line. We are both having separate IC now.

ForestFirePine, I haven’t told loads of people yet. Just a few trusted friends and family members. They are all telling me different things obviously but I know it is my life, my H, my M and my family and not theirs.
Most are telling me that they have never seen this coming, that this is not the man they know and that they will support me whatever I decide to do. While a couple think I’ll never be able to trust him again so what’s the point in trying. I feel I need to do IC and heal first before I make any serious decisions.

Cooley2Here, thank you as always for your support and advice. H’s counsellor’s initial thought is that he isn’t a Sociopath or Narcissist because of the way he’s presenting now and the things he’s saying - but they are going to dig deeper in his next sessions about how he’s been able to do this all these years without any guilt and try to find out why. The whys are the big thing for me, but I might have to accept that I’ll never get those answers, but we’ll see.

Thank you again everyone for taking the time to offer support and advice 🙏🏼

Hey Numb —

Oldwounds, I totally get what you’re saying about compartmentalisation. He has absolutely done that and been very good at it. He appears to be owning this and is keen to investigate this further in his own IC sessions as he said, looking back, it scares him as to how easily he has done this.

His answer is fairly standard at this point in the process — WS always understand the choices they make.

My wife clearly had zero empathy for me during the A, it’s an unfortunate aspect of infidelity. What I needed to see was what her empathy looked like and felt like after witnessing how much actual pain she caused with her choices.

Author Robert Heinlein has a quote I understand all too well, "Man is not a rational animal; he is a rationalizing animal."

The other big go to for a WS early on is they are certain we can’t be hurt by what we don’t know.

You’ll know your WS has at least learned something if they understand it was the series of purposeful decisions to bring another person in the M — that’s the damage, from the start — it’s never about whether we know the truth or not, they KNOW the truth.

Your WS put you in a competition you didn’t know you were in. I think that’s why you will need to see some ownership of these choices before you can figure out what you want and need going forward (again, regardless of the path you ultimately choose).

You’re asking good questions and advocating for yourself, that’s a much stronger start than I had.

Please read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle.