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So here I am 9 days after being exposed. 9 days of good decisions. I’m trying to understand how to convey to my spouse that I now see how devastating all of this has been on her.

One of the things she says is that I am seeking a reconciliation with her only because I don’t want to be alone. Well, isn’t that part of the reason we all seek reconciliation? I don’t want to be alone, I want to be with her.

I also have great reservations about her willingness to attempt a reconciliation. I think she just wants to drag out the process in order to seek revenge and retribution.

Any thoughts about these, my initial reactions, would be helpful.

I am 57, she is 45. This is both our second marriage and we’ve been married 7 years.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:54 PM, Sunday, January 5th]

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I also have great reservations about her willingness to attempt a reconciliation. I think she just wants to drag out the process in order to seek revenge and retribution.

I am a madhatter so both a WS and a BS. I feel it is too soon to put reconciliation on the table. Your wife is in shock and traumatized by your actions. She will be on a rollercoaster of emotions for YEARS. It takes approximately 2-5 years to heal from this and it's more on the 5 years side. She is going to be angry and be filled with rage. That is to be expected. It is not for revenge or retribution.

I would check out the book Cheating in a Nutshell to get a good idea as to why your wife is reacting the way she is and it is all normal as long as there is no physical abuse.

How you respond and react to her will make all the difference in her healing. If you are short with her and expecting her to just "get over it" reconciliation is not going to work.

Also read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

Definitely find yourself an IC to find out what it was in you that allowed you to cheat. She should have her own therapist, preferably one that specializes in betrayal trauma.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:06 PM, Monday, January 6th]