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Lately WS (age 52) has been doing a lot of reading and self-reflection. He believes he probably has ADHD, and he desperately wants me to believe that his LTA was an addiction due to a mental disorder.

I've seen this narrative elsewhere too - that the WS gets hooked on the dopamine high from meeting with the AP and it becomes a drug addiction that they can't quit. What do you all think of this? I feel like it's a decent analogy and I'm sure they get all kinds of good feelings from cheating (why else do it), but how about the idea that addictions are hard to control and that's why affairs are hard to quit?

My response to WS has been that regardless, I'm the one that has to deal with the damage he did while in the throes of his affair/addiction/whatever. And even if he thinks he's "recovered" from all that, I can't be sure that he won't relapse in the future because that's the nature of addiction. From what I've read, an addict is in recovery for life.

I guess I'm skeptical about the language of addiction being applied too literally to affairs. Is this familiar to you, and if so, how do you feel about it?

I would respond that the term "addiction" has a specific clinical definition in the medical field.

One part of it would indicate that there are withdrawal symptoms, physical or psychological, and that it is a serious condition that requires attention on a daily basis in the early stages in order to overcome - and then ongoing maintenance steps afterwards. Ask him if he believes that this would apply in his case, and if he truly believes he needs a professional or group intervention daily in order to assist in the maintenance phase, or some kind of program for his "withdrawal" or prevention of "using" again.

The key word here is DAILY. Because an addiction, in the withdrawal phase, does require daily intervention and monitoring, with really intense focus on the part of the "user".

I think there’s a reason for the use of the term "addiction", yes. But I don’t think it’s a true addiction. I think an affair is a very exciting adrenaline rush, with a huge reward in it - be it sex, or admiration, or just the excitement of feeling desired and the limerence feelings.

Technically, you cannot become addicted to dopamine anyway. What happens is that a given activity creates a rise in dopamine levels (along with other things, such as oxytocin, or serotonin, for example, depending on the activity) and you begin to associate that feeling with that activity. But you begin to require more of that activity to feel that sensation, as your body adjusts to the given activity. Or you seek a similar activity along the same lines (think porn, or more difficult skiing, or different and harder video games).

He may view this as "I couldn’t stop". What happens when there is a rush of dopamine is that impulse control is negatively affected. This is very true. HOWEVER, there are many choices made prior to the dopamine rush - thinking about meeting up, thinking about calling, planning to lie, lying, driving to meet up, going for dinner….none of which include the huge rushes which would account for loss of impulse control.

(I taught graduate level neurology at a major university, and worked in a medical field for 32 years so far.)

My opinion is that I understand the use of the term "addiction" as a colloquial term, but medically speaking, it is not.

I’m going to respectfully disagree in the "addiction" theory.

I always thought my H was a very strong person and self confident. Not arrogant but highly respected in his field.

What I learned, obviously from hindsight, is that he got a huge ego boost from other women. Many of our friends shared how great he was to work with etc. and always gave recognition to others who deserved it.

It never bothered me until his last affair. That flirty flirty behavior (nothing inappropriate in front of me ever) was a real need for him.

So cue the mid life crisis period of his life and when some cute 30 year old shows interest, he takes it to the next level.

Through reconciliation he realized he doesn’t need praise from others. He needs it from himself.

But his arrested development from only having 1 girlfriend (before me) made him think he "missed out" on something. And his flirtatious behavior was his answer and a much needed ego boost. I used to tell him to dial it back on occasion but his addiction to needing the "applause" was more important to him than my feelings.

So, this is how I feel about it.

I was not addicted when I made conscious decisions to keep letting the boundaries slip away with AP. Just like someone choosing to drink or do drugs, it starts with choices.

My treatment included OCD because of intrusive thoughts in the aftermath of a 2 month affair. If you read the Wikipedia version of limerence, or things Dr. Frank Pittman writes about romantic infidelity, it can become a dark place that I would absolutely rate as an addiction in that there are proven predictable psychological responses for people who become limerant in an affair.

Limerance is not infatuation. It’s darker, and I would call my responses both unwanted and involuntary. I had withdrawal and other bad side effects. If you ever read Maia’s guid to withdrawal which I believe is still pinned in the ws forum, you will see what she describes is very much like what I am describing.

I don’t know if it’s addiction but yes it did feel that way for me. This has nothing to do with the ap, it’s more the adrenaline, dopamine, stories spun out of cognitive dissonance, etc. it’s more an addiction to the escapism of the affair.

I absolutely experienced uncontrollable obsession, but a lot of it was to the escapism of the affair and that balanced against all the depression, shame over what I did in some ways it made me spin narratives as to why it had to be worth it. It’s very sick and when I look back on that time I see what a pathetic obsessive compulsive mess I was, and many of my thought processes were not based in reality at all.

So, my advice is the hows and whys and change are important regardless- because those were decisions I made going in. The complications of that I had to treat much like you do an addiction. Find healthy ways of replacing some level of dopamine (I addressed this with exercise and diet), therapy for someone like this is paramount, work a process of some sort, some ws do actual 12 steps.

Love addiction is a real thing just like sex addiction. I believe this applies to my experience. I went on meds for a while to treat the depression and OCD and eventually weened. But i look back in that time as battling mental illness. I do not use that as an excuse, because there was a lot of work to do in order to learn to manage my life differently, so it can never be seen as throwing your hands in the air and saying "it’s addiction", to me someone who is identifying with that signals they have a lot to work through and therefore must really dedicate themselves to become a stable, reliable partner.

Even if addiction explains the cheating continuing, it doesn’t explain it starting.

Why do people take that first hit of cocaine? They know it’s a really bad idea that could have tragic consequences, but they do it anyway. Are they running from something, or incredibly bored? Peer pressure, excitement? Certain it will just be the one time?

Lots of potential reasons, but they know it’s a bad idea and do it anyway. And each subsequent choice, the planning, the anticipation, etc., is done knowing it’s a bad idea, but they do it anyway.

I think human beings crave mental stimulation (what else explains mountain climbing, parachuting, etc.), and they get it where they can, and the riskier the better.

I’m not a neurologist, but I’m not sure that affair behavior meets the technical, medical criteria of addiction. It does seem to dovetail with all sorts of mental health and substance use disorders, though. And there does seem to be a compulsive aspect to it for a lot of people. But I get leery of ascribing affair behavior to those issues, because I feel like a lot of people are depressed or have childhood trauma or mental health issues, etc., and manage not to cheat. I suspect it’s a complex interplay of multiple factors for a lot of people, and just a simple lack of moral compass for others.

I wanted to add that anything can be potentially addictive. People with shopping, gambling, love addiction all have an addiction to their own brain chemistry - pumping your brain full of dopamine can create addiction. It’s actually proven science. However, all these addictions are formed by habit first. I absolutely would have him assessed by a professional because I can tell you from experience it slows down the healing process exponentially. Some people may require meds and can be suicidal.

I personally find the addiction analogy helpful, but it doesn't remove any amount of blame or accountability.

I don't think it relieves them of blame any more than being addicted to drugs, alcohol, or gambling relieves them of blame.

It is most similar to a gambling addiction though the dopamine and other brain chemistry changes also have some unique elements that are really related to limerence/affair type of addiction.

We talk about "getting out of the fog". We see WS's become remorseful and no longer view the AP positively (my wife included). Unless there was some sort of addiction-like quality to it, wouldn't we just expect them to forever pine for their lost love? I mean, as the lies unravel and the brain chemistry returns to normal, we expect them to go "whoa, what I did to you was really messed up".

And being *aware* of the addiction means they need to steer clear of the temptation. No contact is a requirement for a reason.

As for why it starts. It feels good. It feels good to snort coke. It feels good to win if you gamble. It feels good to get new attention and start an illicit relationship. Simple hedonism.

I think 'addiction' is a useful metaphor in explaining infidelity for many people - and 'explanations' are different from 'excuses'. I think ADHD explains some - maybe lots of - As, but it's not an excuse.

We are who we are. We're responsible for our own dysfunctions, even if they're genetic. If I want to stay married to my W, I have to keep my ADHD symptoms below the level that she finds intolerable. If my W wants to stay married to me, she has to make sure the effects of being a CSA survivor stay below a level I find intolerable. I didn't cause my ADHD; W certainly did nothing to cause CSA. But we each have to own our own shit.

I've never put a lot of value on the WS knowing their 'why(s)'unless knowing why enables the WS to change from betrayer to good partner.

Excuses may be a phase some BSes go through on their way to taking responsibility for their actions. If it isn't just a phase, I think it kills R.

*****

The thing is: the WS has to heal themself, but that does nothing to help the BS process their pain. IOW, the WS brings immense pain to the relationship, but the BS still has to do their own healing.

One of my requirements for R is 'no more lies', and I recommend that every BS who's interested in R adopt that requirement for themself, An excuse is a type of lie. As I wrote, if it's a phase, it may not be a problem; if the WS sticks with the excuse, it probably is.

Dopamine is a strong hormone, and can be leaned on in good or bad ways.

My wife never made any excuses, but her LTA over 4-years made little sense to me without some level of addiction to help explain some of the self-destructive behavior.

I think with poor coping mechanisms, a lot of things can become addictive (from drugs and alcohol to food).

Ultimately, I don’t find it an excuse, or a why — it just helped me to understand some aspects of the rinse and repeat of bad choices.

Again, my wife owns her decisions, but what she described sounded quite a bit like her alcoholic father’s rationalizations for his drinking.

I think he's using the term in the psychological sense rather than the medical one - a behavioral addiction, or maybe a habit that's hard to quit. WS has never been able to quit biting his nails, and he struggled mightily to quit his LTAP. I actually did notice physiological withdrawal type symptoms after dday2 (when false R ended and true NC - as far as I know - began). He was pale, shaky, depressed, and irritable. His blood pressure shot up, he gained weight, and he had trouble sleeping. But I guess these things happen any time a strong emotional attachment is severed too (i.e. grief).

For those who asked, WS is in IC, and they are digging into his childhood, his impulsive and compulsive behaviors and other stuff. I just don't love the "I'm recovered" language from his side, like he's kicked the habit and he's "clean" so he thinks I should feel safe and ready to try R again.

And honestly, people with addictions have always scared me. WS used to pride himself on how wasn't an alcoholic (like his dad and stepmom) and he could socially smoke a couple cigarettes without turning them into a habit. I felt safe with him that way. Somewhere along the decades, either he stopped being able to control himself, or I just never saw the early red flags when we were young.

I think it's interesting that most of you who've replied (with a few notable exceptions) tend to discount addiction as a literal phenomenon during an affair.

5Decades, the adrenaline rush of it all aligns with WS's thrill and pleasure seeking behavior in other aspects of his life. He's a self-avowed hedonist, though he claims he is finally trying to change that.

I guess my followup question is whether someone who has these "behavioral addiction" tendencies in multiple areas of their life (unlike someone like hikingout, where it only manifested in the context of an affair) can actually change, especially after 50 years of well-established neurochemistry. I'm aware that neuroplasticity exists into old age, but I'm skeptical that deeply-rooted patterns can be changed, especially if those roots are genetic. I believe that addicts can become sober, but isn't sobriety an active, lifelong series of choices and struggles against instinct? Isn't this why AA has weekly meetings and sponsors and check-ins for years or even decades?

Spot on. Questioning whether your H can change and maintain those lifestyle choices is the biggest question you face right now.

It’s hard to know if he will maintain his commitment to you, your marriage, monogamy etc.

However if you are healed (to the best of your ability) then IF he relapsed you won’t be as devastated.

Are you receiving treatment for your trauma? If not, you should.

I actually have somewhat of an addictive personality, maybe moreso to escapism if nothing else.

I escaped using many vehicles- whether it’s through my own perfectionism to the point I ran myself into the ground, there were a few years I definitely leaned into alcohol, though I don’t think I ever was an alcoholic. I picked up cigarettes for a while during my withdrawal period. And in my youth I definitely had unhealthy attachment/love addiction. I would stay stuck in unrequited love situations for long periods of time, part of me enjoying the agony of it all.

Getting myself to a healthy place and being fully present took me years, a lot of practice and self experimentation. I still work on myself and keep an eye on things. It takes vigilance.

I felt the way your husband says early on, recovered before I was. I can see it was delusional but that belief did allow me to work past my useless shame and believe I was redeemable. It’s how he proceeds that probably counts more.

I agree with the 1st wife that you are best served by focusing on your recovery and looking towards your own healing and protection.

The addiction comparison has some value but needs to be treated with immense care IMHO.

I have experience in working with hard-core addicts and think that a lot of what we consider "addictions" pale in comparison to what a "true" alcoholic or cokehead or oxi-junkie experience.
Like... I could quit coffee and maybe struggle with a day or two of headaches, but I wouldn’t be experiencing the immense physical and mental pain of a detoxing drug-user. I wouldn’t battle the ongoing physical and mental need for some java, nor would need to attend daily coffee drinkers anonymous meetings for years.

I believe that comparing infidelity to addiction is more in the ongoing actions and the triggers to continue, rather than in any major physical or physiological way.

My wife is a nurse, and in the ICU they might have to give patients with an addictive history strong painkillers and sedatives. If possible this is discussed before an operation, because the recovering addict with even decades of sobriety knows that being pumped full of morphine might trigger him back to square one. They want a plan in place to help them get back to acceptance of sobriety. I somehow don’t think they have (or should have...) the same concerns for a former wayward husband getting a prostrate exam...

Bigger- I can see what you are saying.

I experienced withdrawal when I quit smoking. And I experienced withdrawal after my affair.

I think the psychological from the affair was far worse, and the physical symptoms were similiar. Having a prostate exam is not comparable to an affair because it assumes the issue is only in the genital region or having to do with others touching ones genitals and I just think that’s not a good comparison. Maybe with sex addiction but not love addiction. Very different triggers.

I am not saying it’s comparable to hard drugs because I do not have any familiarity to that. But when you rush your body with dopamine and adrenaline there is a physical withdrawal when it stops suddenly. I didn’t want to die when I quit cigarettes. When I quit the affair it felt like I had nothing left to live for.

It has nothing to do with the specific Ap. It had to do with a dependence on the brain chemicals stimulated by the feelings of living in a fantasy world. I do not think everyone who has an affair experiences this, but I do think that some people do. I was one of those people.

Again, when it starts no addiction exists. It’s not a reason for an affair. Just like a gambler or a person with a shopping addiction, the risks and highs occur and grow stronger after a series of reckless and terrible decisions.. When addiction to those feelings/chemical reaction occurs, you have to treat the symptoms both from a mental and a physical standpoint. I had to increase my natural intake of dopamine through running, being in nature, diet, being proactively involved in finding new things to spend my time doing that can make you happier and healthier. It was the greatest battle of my life so far to get stable.

I do not think any bs should excuse any of it. I think a bs should look to protect themselves when their spouse has such an addiction because it truly is hard for them to break and I think it’s important to know the odds and issues that come with it. Often it leads to relapse or subsequent affairs. It does require vigilance but I am absolutely fine to go to the Gyno- it’s not comparable in the least! I am not fine to have secret, private, flirtatious conversations with men or seek attention there.

Sexual addiction I imagine is similiar. Addiction is created through a series of extreme highs and lows. So in an affair the push/pull dynamic is always there. The lows come from feeling the shame/self loathing and the instability of such a "relationship". The highs require making bigger and bigger risks and that’s why you see those limerant affairs get extreme in a short period of time. Through that your brain becomes dependent on those bursts of dopamine that when they go away it’s like nothing at all exists within you. It feels like the lowest you can get.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:17 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]

I felt the way your husband says early on, recovered before I was. I can see it was delusional but that belief did allow me to work past my useless shame and believe I was redeemable. It’s how he proceeds that probably counts more.

I agree with the 1st wife that you are best served by focusing on your recovery and looking towards your own healing and protection.

Totally can see that his belief is allowing him to forgive himself, to move past shame, and to work on redemption and healthier habits.

To you and 1st wife, I have been in therapy for years (starting before dday), and I'm moving into my own space later next month. Definitely looking after myself (at last). It was my decision to move out that precipitated this great amount of work on WS's part - he finally quit his pleasure-seeking behaviors and started really introspecting. That said, he's also desperately trying to regain my love and affection, and that very desperation raises red flags for me. I feel I'm the latest object of addiction, and sure, we've been together for 30 years, but he was plenty distant during his LTA when he was getting his needs met elsewhere, so I don't trust this sudden intensity.

Maybe I'm just tired of the front row seat to the WS show. Really looking forward to having some time and space to myself for a while.

Hikingout has come closest to addressing what is interesting about this to me. And as I posted earlier, while addiction might explain an affair continuing, it doesn’t explain it starting.

Cooley says it feels good to snort coke. I think we can agree that many people find it enjoyable to snort coke. But I’m not going to do it. I’m scared of where it goes. I’ve seen too much of the devastation it can cause.

When my WW and I started dating in college, it took me FOREVER to get to intercourse. She knew I wanted it, and she did too. But she held me off, for the longest. And when we started, a condom was essential. ESSENTIAL.

With her AP, the first time they held hands, they set out to a hotel. And their first several encounters were unprotected. She started on the pill because of him. I was an unintended beneficiary.

Why the difference? What was going on here? Was adulterous sex an easier immorality to swallow than premarital sex, for her? I don’t think so. Was she that much hornier for him? Maybe, I guess. I can say honestly that in most respects, looks, intelligence, even personalities, we were similar. He was not strikingly "better" than me in any obvious way. Did she already "love" him more than me? She says not. And when DD came, she gave him up with no apparent emotional difficulty.

She says it wasn’t about the sex. We’ll, maybe not for her. But at some level, she knew that’s what it was about for him. So why was she so willing to pay for her relationship with him with sex. That was clearly the case. If she wanted him to continue paying attention to her, to keep flirting with her, to keep complimenting her, she knew she was going to have to put out. She whored herself for him. She risked pregnancy with him, not because she wanted his child, but because she wanted him.

Why was she so willing to pay his price, but she had never been willing, or thought it necessary, to pay that price to maintain her relationship with me.

The answer is obvious, isn’t it. I wish I had figured it out long ago. She never valued her relationship with me as much as she did a superficial one with a POSOM (he was married, with a child).

As Cooley has said, she married the wrong man. She wanted the wedding, not the marriage.

And so I caution other BSs. You’ve gotten a very, very strong message about your relationship. Think long and hard about that message. There are lots of reasons each of you might want to stay in your marriage. Be sure you understand your reasons, and those of your WS. Be careful what you’re reconciling to.

Former people person,

I do not have exactly that situation, as my sex life with my husband has always been solid. Yes, we have had periods where we struggled here and there but nothing that long lasting or deep.

However- I think most of what you wrote about trading the sex for attention, for me the affair/sex really all of it wasn’t about the ap either it was all LaLa land, escapism, etc. I can clearly understand in someways how it looks like one traded sex for attention or because the ap inspired it, but it wasn’t exactly that way for me.

Like your wife, the sex wasn’t the motivation for me either, but it was part of the image/role I was trying to portray mostly for myself. It was a desperate way to try and feel better- younger, sexier, etc. I think for many ws that self adulation is actually what drives most of all the behaviors. There wasn’t very much actual physical sex in my affair as it was long distance but whatever sexual interaction was something I only thought of after to evaluate my performance - I was super invested in being seen as like this goddess female person rather than actually caring about what he wanted or pleasing him.

The allure was being someone else. While I am not a huge Esther Pearl fan, she says "people have an affair to meet a different version of themselves" and I think that part is 100 percent true for me. My enthusiasm was a bid to make me seem more like an ultimate woman, when in reality I was having sexual dysfunction due to stress before, during, and after the affair.

This of course should not be seen as I am trying to be a ws apologist, minimize or make any of this relevant to bs’s decision on how they move forward, but merely to share my experience in hopes it helps others heal in some way. The cheating as never about you, and in every circumstance I truly believe people affair down. The allure of the AP is not respect, love, or any of that. The allure is the pretend world that goes on in one’s head. Most of you will know of things your ws projected onto the ap that wasn’t even remotely true, and that really comes from making them seem better so the validation seems legitimate. If we admitted to ourselves what the ap was actually presenting (like using one for sex) then the validation would never work.

Affairs are hard to understand because they are constructed of mental gymnastics no rational person would relate to. People often think of them like when they were dating or compare them to legitimate relationship experiences. I don’t think often they are that way at all. They are full of darkness really because they have little to no viability, the selection process is finding another pig to roll in the mud with, there is no security, the picture you get of them (and they of you) is very limited to what they present because you can’t really go into their day to day life enough to see them in a bigger picture way, it requires dealing with a lot of cognitive dissonance and a suspension of logical thinking. In this way, the two people having an affair really do not know each other and most compatibility is based on fake shit.

All this to say, my theory on why some people are sexually free with an ap over a spouse is there is an unrealness, an inauthenticity because there is no real belief what you are presenting is something you have to keep up with. It’s part of this other identity you are trying to explore. You can take risks without any commitment to making them permanent. Whereas when you are dating someone free and clear there is more discernment and caution. Your obsession is often really with yourself and this role you are playing.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:35 PM, Wednesday, January 8th]

This briefly came up from my WS- my response was this-

That’s helpful information for me to know, thanks for sharing. Frankly, I feel that calling it an addiction means that statistically relapse is more likely.

I don’t want to be with an addict. Period.

I never heard it again from him. As the kids say, hashtag excuses.

Hello NoThanksForTheMemories.

I don't post very much any longer, but your question touches on things that are very important to me, and that I wrestled with long and hard. I want to share with you two things I wrote, long ago, that touch on your question about what it means when a WS starts to try to understand him or herself though the metaphor of addiction.

Here is the first (I'll set the old writing off with stars before and after so it's clear what's old and what's new commentary). It's about how understanding oneself as an addict can -- can -- lead to change.

*****

"As an alcoholic who has now been sober for two decades, maybe I can offer a thought about the addiction analogy for affairs. First of all, I very much believe in it. It is not a perfect analogy. Chemical addition is a very direct biological mechanism, though not a fully understood one. Someday it may be curable by some kind of direct medical intervention. It could happen. I doubt, by contrast, that there will ever be a "stay faithful" pill or gene splice.

But setting that aside, there are clearly a lot of behavioral analogies between the behaviors of addicts and the behavior of many waywards.

Perhaps if we look at the way the question of addiction was actually handled as I was wrestling with alcoholism, it would help salvage some of the utility of it for thinking about infidelity too.

The key thing is, in its context in AA, addiction is ALWAYS presented as one side of a paradox, NEVER alone.

Yes, I was addicted to alcohol, so in a very real sense, I was suffering from a disease and was doing things that were a result of the disease process. This is important, as it offers hope that you can become different, and hope is a very important thing to have at rock bottom.

But it does not relieve us of responsibility. Yes, I can make an abstract argument that I had a disease, and addiction, and I was therefore not responsible. And there is some dry, abstract logical merit to that argument. BUT, and the but is critical, AA taught me from Day 1 that the ONLY way I would recover was if I accepted total responsibility for my actions and decisions anyway, and owned them and the damage they caused 100%. They ONLY way. NO other.

So, it's a paradox. I am an addict. Yet I would not be sober and enjoying the unspeakable blessing of being fully present in the lives of my loved ones if I had stopped there and just laid it all off on a disease. No, I got and stayed sober through voluntarily accepting responsibility for the decision to drink and all the outcomes that came from it, and choosing to make a different decision forever going forward, and working to apologize to those I harmed and make amends through different actions going forward, forever.

*****

New commentary: so this idea, what I call "the paradox of responsibility" is one of the most true things I know, in my own life, for my own mental and spiritual health. The understanding that addiction is not an excuse, and that the ONLY road to self-respect is to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your choices, and not to try to lay them off on the phenomenon or the process of addiction. To take responsibility voluntarily, seek to make what amends you can, and do the deep work of learning to live with yourself without anesthetizing yourself, and, without sacrificing or disregarding or dehumanizing other people in the process of seeking the anesthesia.

Second quote from something I wrote long ago:

********

I think in our culture at large there is a very strong public set of narratives of theatrical self-redemption and public rehabilitation. These kinds of narratives are very prominent in the literature of self-help. They are strong in popular media--daytime talk, sports media, women's media, TED talks, and also in a certain kind of semi-Christian or culturally but not theologically Christian popular counselling literature.

The point is, many different communities which otherwise don't have much in common share in this common American pop culture master narrative of self-redemption.

This narrative, regardless of the specific trappings, always involves a few common tropes. The speaker is always speaking from hindsight. They tell a story of personal fall, a period of fairly theatrical comeuppance with some theatrical acts of public or showy contrition, tell of How I Learned Something in the best after-school special style, and then tell of How much better a person they are as the result of this adversity, how it became a milestone for gratifying personal growth. And then, silently or overtly, they wait for applause, positive feedback, validation, ego kibble.

This narrative is everywhere. And, one can see how it is crack to newly exposed waywards, or a subset of them. Because the whole package so appeals to that wayward need to get validation without real introspection and real accountability. "Ok yes I screwed up but I've learned! In one cathartic moment I saw who I was and now I am already different! And gosh, I can already see ways to package this story that keep me at the center, and make this my hero's journey, and will get me kibble for the excellence of my public contrition and my inspiring journey of redemption! Woo who, TED talk or church small group leadership, here I come!"

But all this skips the real heart of contrition, which is the hard grinding work of accepting real responsibility, understanding and rewiring yourself, and that delicate work HikingOut speaks of, of coming to accept who you really are, and, coming to authentically love yourself again (or more often, for the first time) while still and always shouldering accountability and the need to make what atonement you can for your past harms.

Not everyone is up for it. And some, who might have been up for it with better luck, never find a place like SI or a challenging counsellor, and instead find the literature of cheap redemption and go all in on it.

To me, the tell of someone in the thrall of cheap redemption is the key phrase "our marriage is (or our marriage can be) better than ever." This is not a thought or phrasing or assertion that comes to the lips of someone with a contrite heart. The truly contrite heart is humble. It is dedicated to being safe and empathetic each day. It focuses on gratitude. And, it is not proud or boastful. Not mired in shame any longer either, but not boastful.

So, setting aside what the BS may or may not be communicating in these situations, I believe there are sometimes WSes on the other side who try to lock both themselves and their BS into the master narrative of cheap contrition--and who never find the still and humble heart of real contrition as a result.

*******

So take all this together, and I guess the thought I offer you would be -- you can tell how your WS is using the metaphor of addiction if you judge by his behavior, by his actions.

Is he using it for real self understanding? Or is it the theatrics of cheap contrition?

He might be sincere about it -- but if he is, the evidence will show when he starts to embrace the paradox of responsibility. When he shows a humble heart, is contrite, is curious about you, makes himself small and makes a lot of space for you.

Or -- is he using it as a crutch and part of a master narrative of cheap contrition and cheap and theatrical redemption?

If so, that will show too, and very obviously -- all his speech will be about himself, his hero's journey, the fascinating person which is himself and the marvelous journey which is his redemption. And he will be casting you as the Greek chorus whose only real job is to be his audience for his soliloquy.

You'll know if it's the latter real fast. If it might be the former-- wait and see, if you wish to. Time will tell.