SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As we've spent time in SI, we've undoubtedly encountered a multitude of different cases and discussions. I've been wondering which particular story has resonated with you most deeply and for what reasons. What insights or lessons have you taken away from it?

To get the ball rolling, I'll share the case that has consistently stayed with me: the story of the user 'waitedwaytoolong'. For me, this case is truly unsettling and remains a vivid, almost nightmarish example.

To briefly outline the situation from my perspective, 'waitedwaytoolong' (WTL) discovered that his wife had engaged in a three-week-long physical affair with a contractor working on their home. Reportedly, prior to this incident, their marriage was stable and both partners considered it happy. The affair was brought to light by another contractor who was aware of what was happening, which subsequently led WTL to hire a private investigator to confirm his suspicions.

In hindsight, and as WTL himself reportedly acknowledged, they attempted to "rug-sweep" the affair for five years as he desperately tried to forgive his wife and move forward. However, he was never truly able to overcome the disgust he felt. This, combined with the fact that the affair seemed to have changed his wife into a more passive partner, ultimately led to a breaking point and a divorce that came as a shock to his wife.

What made this case particularly impactful for me was the extremely graphic nature of the sexual encounters described – the specific acts performed and the element of humiliation involved were some of the most disturbing I've encountered from a source I considered reliable. It resonated deeply because the acts detailed in the affair, in my personal experience, are often reserved for intimate and special occasions within a relationship. The thought of his wife engaging in these acts so frequently and casually with a virtual stranger over such a short period is truly haunting.

Ultimately, the 'waitedwaytoolong' case has stayed with me so profoundly because it highlighted several of the most frightening aspects of infidelity. Firstly, it demonstrated how betrayal can seemingly arise out of nowhere, regardless of the perceived strength or happiness of a marriage. Secondly, it underscored the stark reality that the capacity for forgiveness and the ability to truly move past such a transgression can be deeply ingrained in one's character. Finally, while the dangers of rug-sweeping are apparent in many infidelity cases, this one particularly emphasized the intense desire to forgive someone you deeply love, juxtaposed with the potential impossibility of truly doing so on a fundamental level.

1st comment on WTL:

I think/surmise he tried to use logic - sans any values for pieces of his puzzle for his internal rules for integrity, what a mate has to be for him to be happy.

When he finally relized - five years - how much his "logical" choice was slowly killing him, he made his final choice regarding the sham his marriage had become.

I'm not all sure SpaceGhost007 made best choice BUT FOR HIM, at the time for sure, his choice was best. He had made known his position on infidelity and wife ignored and paid the ultimate consequence. He kept his word, maintained his dignity, and proceded with life.

Walloped situation was different: His family philosophy, 5 children of very different ages, and his integrity was stressed to the limit. Maybe he stayed because his values placed family over his personal well-being?

Two very different scenarios and my take is the BS must follow their lifelong core values (provided they are good) and act to maintain life such that choices do not compromise integrity. Sticky point: What is the definition of "good" integrity.

Example is Timetoreact - he followed his rule(s) of his definition of integrity and moved on with honest and sincere purpose.

The Quandary a new BS (JFO) is facing is (most?) - they are suddenly immersed in an environment with which they have never has to deal with and have no skills in how to process the mind-numbing pain and confusion.

The resources available are conflicting and SI is one source. The issue a BS has is often they post incomplete and/or biased info and posters on their thread can only comment based on their experience and their interpretation of what the BS has posted.
-an imprecise process at best

An example is DoneGone - his first thread paints a horrible and incomplete picture of his marriage and betrayal. His second thread provides some info that contrasts (due to absence) with info that would have, should the first thread have had the info, people posting to his thread would have offered different commentary. FWIW, My understanding is, years later, they reconciled after BOTH him and wife figured out who they were in the eyes of the other person and also personally improved themself.

Another post that was heart-rending as I read the WS (in Wayward) learned the hard way what she has thrown away by her cheating.
And (as best I remember) She "regained" her husband. MrsSouthAfrica.

One more - LifeDestroyer - another WS who tossed away a marriage and "lost is all" - wondering if her and Neanderthal are now doing ok.

There are so many threads/stories posted that one can read a loooong time and never see exactly the same story. Simplified, they are "cookie cutter" but NOT to the persons - the BS and WS - in the thread.

Saddest one I remmeber (well two) (and I have only been reading here 10 years) - AmbivalentOne and SWAT70

Saddest one I remmeber (well two) (and I have only been reading here 10 years) - AmbivalentOne and SWAT70

I guess to my point, what regarding these post makes them the saddest to you?

I'm not sure I fully understand the reasoning behind this post. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to see members' personal stories being discussed this way and it just doesn't sit right with me.

I think posters should keep in mind that when discussing other threads and posters they are discussing other PEOPLE, and that having a story mentioned in some negative context needs to be done very carefully and tactfully. Maybe it even shouldn’t be done...

I'm not sure I fully understand the reasoning behind this post. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to see members' personal stories being discussed this way and it just doesn't sit right with me.

I see this perspective and did think on this. I suppose my reasoning is if we can glimmer any learnings or insight from these awful experiences, then that is the one rare positive in a otherwise tragic diary of events. The posts being referenced are already out there. Members have already read them.

Perhaps wider commentary on the person and how they acted is a faux pas, perhaps keep it to the story and why it was impactful?

That being said, if this is deemed to be inappropriate by the wider community, happy to let this die.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 1:46 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

I'm not sure I fully understand the reasoning behind this post. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to see members' personal stories being discussed this way and it just doesn't sit right with me.

I agree. This thread feels very voyeuristic and unseemly. It also feels like a violation (in spirit anyway) of the Guidelines:

ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

Given this view is becoming consensus - let's leave this thread here. Regret posting it now. Though maintain its aim was not voyeuristic, the optics clearly aren't good. I would delete this but obviously we have rules against that. As such, lets just let it drift off.

If WTL reads this, I meant absolutely no offense. In fact, I think of you and your resolve in the highest esteem. Know that I think of you often and hope that you find all the happiness in the world. Even as a stranger on the internet who's only rarely interacted with you.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 2:32 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

Because of comments about referring to threads outside of this thread I removed what I wrote in this post.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 2:38 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

Though maintain its aim was not voyeuristic, the optics clearly aren't good. I would delete this but obviously we have rules against that. As such, lets just let it drift off.

Thank you. Threads like this could be a feeding ground for people trying to mine stories.

I absolutely take no offense. My story has been very public and I have left my profile up here so others may see it and possibly learn from it.

I made so many mistakes and I think that is also a lesson. I wish I had the guidance of some here back when everything went down, but realistically I probably would have made the same mistakes. Bottom line there is no easy way out of the mess that infidelity brings. Everyone has to find their own path.

If my story helps just one person it’s with keeping up my profile.

Personally I think all the stories mentioned so far in this thread should be pinned in a subforum for new people to learn from. There is just so much valuable information which with hindsight in those particular stories, can resonate with someone just finding out, who’s head is still spinning and they don’t really know what to ask or what to look for, to do, etc.

They also provide the benefit of exposing some hard truths that both a BS and WS should hear. There’s something about reading what happened, in a similar story to their own, where if that same advice was directed at them in their own thread, may not be very well received by them. But, if they read about it in a past tense, long ago resolved situation they won’t necessarily take it as an attack upon themselves. Make sense?

Plus, since a lot of those stories unfold over months and years, a person can sometimes get a prophetic sense of what is in store for them and have game plans ready to go if/when it does happen.

[This message edited by OhItsYou at 6:05 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

WWTL,

I can’t tell you how many people I have directed here to specifically to read your threads. Every one of them were in a similar position as you, years down the line.
I know for a fact it has helped some of them to finally make a decision.

I did say I'd leave this thread to die given the views of the wider community but just allow me the chance to say:

WWTL

It's a load off my mind to know I've caused no offense to you by this post, I can assure you the opposite was intended. Your story has help me to clarify in my mind exactly what I'd do if ever faced with infidelity again.

I think you are the only BS who's truly encapsulated the disgust betrayal can bring to those with the relevant temperament.

I often read about hysterical bounding sessions with sheer bemusement, made me feel as if I wired wrong. So I guess reading your thoughts throughout the process made me relate and feel less like a outlier.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 6:23 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

I think of you are thinking of pinning stories you have to pin the spectrum- because someone else’s results are not indicative of anyone else’s. (I am stating this because I see this suggestion running on two active threads right now)

I have seen people who I never thought would make it through R make it and thrive. I have seen people who I thought would reconcile not get there. I have come to understand it doesn’t really matter where the marriage goes, it’s about the individual fully healing. So if I were interested in a pinning of stories that’s what I would think would be the most beneficial- hearing from those who healed and how they did it, and having it from a variety of marital outcomes. The marriage really is secondary to me. If you reconciled, I hope you re fully happy. If you divorced, I hope you are fully happy.

No one has a crystal ball.

I agree with wwTL:

Bottom line there is no easy way out of the mess that infidelity brings. Everyone has to find their own path.

And a far as this:

I often read about hysterical bounding sessions with sheer bemusement, made me feel as if I wired wrong. So I guess reading your thoughts throughout the process made me relate and feel less like a outlier.

There is no right or wrong reaction to infidelity. Some people are repelled sexually (I was in the case of my husbands infidelity), others go through HB, and then periods of being repelled, some of them go through HB and wish it would last forever, and others may struggle to get back on any path. It’s all perfectly normal reactions to infidelity. In all those cases, I hope each individual works towards the goal of finding joy in sex again, and continues to grow in their sexuality. We get one life, make the most of whatever you can when you can.

Healing doesn’t mean we won’t have pain, it means we can experience a wider spectrum of emotions and states of being again- especially feelings like joy and contentment. It means stronger coping, and being able to count on yourself more in the future to get through tough times.

So personally I don’t care if you stay married or you don’t. I care that you made the decisions that were right for you. And I care that we don’t make others feel like they are lesser for having a different path than the one we think they should take. Or a different reaction than what we would have. After all, we have a fraction of the information because we are all strangers on the internet. We know patterns, we can help steer, but that’s where our power ends.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:14 PM, Thursday, April 10th]

There are cases that have impacted me and many others, but calling them out by name seems very inappropriate.

if this is deemed to be inappropriate by the wider community, happy to let this die.

This is a good call.

realistically I probably would have made the same mistakes.

Oy! Truth! It's a lot harder to learn from other people's mistakes than from one's own.

When both R & D are possible, it often takes time for an individual to know what the best outcome is for them. I would bet it always takes longer than the individual wants - and I suspect many are happy it didn't take longer than it did.