SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a 6 1/2 year lurker, first time poster.

My backstory, in brief, is that I rug swept an affair that happened a week before our wedding 18 years ago. She confessed right away (kind of), and I thought the right thing to do was plow through it, especially because she stuck (and still sticks) to the story that it wasn't consummated.

However, a few years later, I bluffed my way into her admitting that it wasn't just a one time drunken thing, that instead it occurred over a few days. A detail I technically hadn't asked, so it was a lie of omission. A few months later after finding it out, the emotions all rushed out, I found SI, and have been a frequent pain shopper here ever since.

As soon as I learned the body of collective wisdom here, I asked for a written timeline, and she provided it, and we finally faced this in a way that we hadn't. It took several blow-ups and lots of painful rehashing to really come to terms with the shaky unsolid foundation our marriage is built upon. We are mostly healed. Mostly.

Back when we first finally started confronting the bump under the rug, we happened to be having a discussion over-the-phone, and I demanded she promise me that she would never do anything like this again. She equivocated, and her reasoning was that because she already showed to herself that she was capable of blowing past her own moral boundaries, she can't promise anything like that. "wrong answer!!" I shouted and hung up.

We worked it out (that was almost ten years ago), but she brought it up a couple days ago, during an argument, using it as an example of being forced to promise something a person really can't promise.

It bothers me that A) she framed herself as the victim in that scenario, and B) whenever she brings up the inauspicious way our marriage started, it is for her own ends.

Another example is how now that I have admitted that I was carrying a crushing weight throughout our actual wedding....it has ruined the memories of our wedding for her. ugh.

I am sorry you are going through this. Simply, when one makes the vows of marriage, they promise not to do this. Now we are all here because that promise was broken, I get that. But no one put a gun to her head and said she had to get married. All you asked was for her to live up to the vows of marriage. It can be done, most of us have not cheated on our spouses. She appears to have a wayward mindset. That is truly disturbing. I wish I had some great wisdom to offer. I am not sure counseling will work if this is truly her belief. Hang in there.

It's quite telling that she's unwilling to commit to NOT cheating on you again. We're not having a Philosophy 101 rap sesh here, we're discussing a commitment to not betray the person who's supposed to be your closest ally on earth, and one with whom you've entered into a marital contract.

One of the things that helped me to slowly extend trust to my H again was that he said he'd never hurt himself again by cheating. I'm wondering the degree to which your wife thinks that what she did was wrong. Does she think that she betrayed her own moral code? Does she minimize her betrayal because you weren't yet married when it happened?

.."most of us have not cheated on our spouses." ??? My crystal ball tells me that "most people, be that 50.1% have cheated on their spouses! Of that 50.1% I'd bet that 50.01% are men and 49.99% are women. If everyone told the truth, these numbers would prove me right.

smy

The best data I've seen covers the US - the General Social Survey. The numbers have been pretty stable the last time I looked - 25-30% of men admit to cheating and 15-20% of women.

That was up to maybe 2023. I haven't looked at the data since then.

Can't

I would suspect there is more to the affair than she confessed.

So she can't promise because she knows she has omitted and minimized and as a result is still cheating on You, lies remain

Did you speak with the OM, confront or expose him

Polygraph?

Was she really fully committed to you when you got married or do you feel she married you for practical not passionate reasons

My WW main affair was before we married, sex but no kissing on the wedding night yea casts a long shadow

Am I getting this right? The wedding memories are ruined for HER, because you were upset during the wedding because she cheated on you before the wedding. TF?

I told my W she cannot promise to "never cheat again", that ship has sailed. Never cheating again mean she can walk up to the line as long as she doesn't cross it. It's like an alcoholic "never drinking again" hanging around a bar, carries a drink but doesn't drink it.

I now know what my W is capable of, she promises to "always protect our M" which means more than "never cheating again". Just like an alcoholic has to protect their sobriety and stay far away from the bar.

It bothers me that A) she framed herself as the victim in that scenario, and B) whenever she brings up the inauspicious way our marriage started, it is for her own ends.

Have you told her this? I think it would be beneficial to do so.

Just because you addressed the bump under the rug, doesn't mean that a new bump can't form. I think it is important that poor behavior/character traits are pointed out so they can be addressed. One other point that I also believe needs attention is the comment you made about your wife's beliefs that the lack of consummation somehow lessens the impact of her cheating. That is wayward thinking 18+ years later. Whatever the mental gymnastics that are being used for this reasoning really needs to be delved into.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 3:32 PM, Sunday, April 20th]