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I'm a 33 year old wife and the mom of 2 kids. My husband is 31. The Sunday before last he admitted he cheated on me with a friend from the gym, a 45 year old woman who never had kids.

My husband confessed they have been talking for weeks, allegedly mostly about health and fitness. He said on that day, he was coming in the gym and she had just finished her workout. Instead of going to do his workout, she invited him to have lunch with her. He said after lunch they ended up in her home.

This maybe poor judgement on my part but I wanted to see what this woman looks like. He showed me her Instagram. Given how fit she looks, I asked my husband if my weight had anything to do with the cheating. He said yes.

In their Instagram message exchanges, it was mostly talk about health and fitness. But their was some definite flirting. I'm heartbroken and embarrassed.

You weight had nothing to do with his cheating. NOTHING. That is a convenient excuse that allows him to blame you for his shitty actions.

You had two kids - bodies change. Your weight is not important. He may have found the AP attractive- we all see attractive people all the time. She may have flirted (as he did as well). But frankly that happens too. But it was his lack of character and morals for why he cheated. HE WANTED TO AND HE DID. And he would have done it if you were supermodel.

Look, supermodels do get cheated on ALL THE TIME. Halle Berry anyone? Jennifer Aniston? Beyoncé? All stunning. It is NEVER about looks or weight. I know how this attacked your self-esteem right when you are most vulnerable- and that is intentional. But they ALWAYS affair down. There is a post with a bullseye on it in the Just Found Out forum with that title — look for it, read it, and take it to heart.

But you see by blaming your weight, he is no longer the bad guy. It wasn’t his fault. Somehow your weight caused him to ignore his vows, repeatedly cross boundaries, and then insert his penis in her. Your weight did not do that.

I know this hurts, but it’s just not true. Beauty is more than weight anyway- and the things that make someone beautiful are not the things he or his AP possess. But you do. You know this is true- look at your friends. You see their beauty and it has nothing to do with their looks or weight.

Be kind to yourself. And go read that post.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 5:23 PM, Monday, January 26th]

I'm a guy. I was cheated on. I don't post often here but I saw your post and it makes me mad. I'm sorry that you find yourself here.

Your weight had absolutely nothing to do with what your husband did. You gave him an easy excuse when you asked him if your weight had anything to do with it. He grabbed on to it because he knew you'd buy it and is using this as an excuse. He did what he did because he wanted to. No other reason. Look at the messages they were sending back and forth. All of that was leading up to what happened.

It's OK to be heartbroken. You have every reason to be. It's understandable to be embarrassed even though you have no reason to be. Stay strong and do not let him manipulate you.

Good luck

I didn't realize how much I needed to hear someone say it's not my fault.

I am so sorry. First that you had to hear those words and second because it’s another lie.

Another lie he told you and himself to justify his affair.

BTW my H cheated on me with someone who was heavier and not in good shape. And she wasn’t pretty either lol. She was a drama queen to boot.

Your H cheated b/c he wanted to. He wanted the ego boost. He liked the attention and the thrill of the chase so to speak.

Does he think he’s something special to this OW gym rat? It sounds to me like this is not her first time picking up some random guy at the gym. How cliche anyway - so typical.

I suggest he needs STD testing immediately BTW.

Cheating is never because of the betrayed spouse. It’s not because you did or did not do something. Cheating happens because the cheater puts their selfish needs FIRST and tells themself ANYTHING they need to hear to justify the affair.

I’m sorry for you. Get yourself a good counselor - just for you. You have long road ahead of you in dealing with this trauma.

And I hope your H is remorseful very soon.

It's not your fault. It never was and never will be. Cheating is a unilateral decision someone makes because they don't know how to tell themselves "no" when faced with lust and temptation.

And your husband must be every woman's idea of the perfect man. I'll bet he's a real lady killer and women swoon as he walks by.

One more voice telling you it's not your fault and that it didn't factor in in anything that could be called a truly meaningful way.

Cheaters will latch on to any an all excuses for their behavior. It's just one rationalization after another, and it takes work to get down to the real reason they were willing to lie and cheat.

My wife cheated on me when I was at peak fitness, having just set a post-high-school PR in my mile time, same for a couple of lifts, and a PR in a half marathon. At the time, she was actually struggling with her weight. Fitness likely has nothing to do with this.

One more man here:

It’s not your fault; there’s nothing wrong with you.

He has gaping holes in his character, morals, integrity, will power, and manners.

You handed him an easy get-out-of-jail-free card and he took it. How weak.

He needs therapy (you probably do, too).

How will you know his therapy has worked?

When he is weeping at your feet.

Best wishes.

The only weight you need to lose is 150+ pounds of scumbag husband.

I don't why part of my initial instincts was to make excuses for him. I guess that reflects how I see myself. I feel bad about my looks even before this. I let myself so. I got fat. When he told me this news I was wearing sweats, as that has almost become my uniform. Even though I haven't been putting much effort into my appearance, it's still no excuse.

The only weight you need to lose is 150+ pounds of scumbag husband.

My initial reaction was similar. The trash is taking itself out.

I mean, come on. You have given birth to two of his children, and he's willing to have a quickie at lunch with someone from the gym. What does he see in his future with that attitude? It's not looking too bright to me. Good luck dude.

There are two possibilities, but they are both equally bad.
1. He means what he said. He's a shallow, pathetic man. Who wants that?
2. He doesn't mean what he said. He's a lying idiot. Who wants that?

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 9:19 PM, Monday, January 26th]

Your first instinct to blame yourself is normal— because then YOU can do something about it. It’s really hard to realize that you had no control - nothing you did or didn’t do caused this.

"Oh I am too heavy? Then I will lose the weight."
"Oh I kept a messy house, then I will be tidier."
"Oh I didn’t give him enough attention (even though my job was in a stress period, my dad was in the hospital, I do all the housework and the kids are in tournaments this month), so it is my fault for not doting on him. I’ll bend over backwards to show him how valued he is"

It’s totally normal. But the reality is that NONE of that matters. They do what they do because they want to, and then they make up reasons to justify it. We jokingly refer to a cheaters handbook because so many of the WS do the same thing like they read it in a mythical handbook.

I don't why part of my initial instincts was to make excuses for him. I guess that reflects how I see myself. I feel bad about my looks even before this. I let myself so. I got fat. When he told me this news I was wearing sweats, as that has almost become my uniform. Even though I haven't been putting much effort into my appearance, it's still no excuse

.

And betrayal trauma will make the feeling worse, it’s how it works turning the blame onto the victim.

So start telling yourself that it’s not about you.

Is the cheater shifting blame, if you were fitter than her he would have still cheated.

You now need to love yourself more than ever. If you want to get fit for yourself do it (excercise endorphins will help you a bit with all the depressive chemicals his betrayal will bring), if you don’t then don’t do it for him.

Because honestly fuck him. He should have the balls to see what he did and get fit to be a human being, right now he fails to be one

I was never heavy. So why did my H cheat on me twice?

Because he needed the ego boost from other women. He needed that validation.

Same with your H. He had the "I still got it" attitude and it boosted his ego.

Please do not buy into the "I must have done something" to make him cheat mentality. It’s all nonsense.

From experience my H blamed me too. For the first few weeks I believed it. Then he said something so ludicrous that I literally laughed in his face. And then left the room. It was the most ridiculous (unkind and untrue) thing I ever heard. Yet he convinced himself it was true and used it to justify the affair. It was along the lines I "never loved him".

Well I certainly didn’t marry him for his $ b/c he didn’t have any. 😂😂

So please don’t allow yourself to believe his nonsense. It’s just a bunch of crap. Are you going to cheat on him because he forgot to take out the trash or he left his dirty clothes in a pile on the floor (yet again!)? Of course not.

But that is the game he is choosing to play.

Sorry that I still haven't figured out how to quote specific comments.

Even with all your wonderful words, I still feel like I could have prevented this. I don't know.

I may get a pass on the weight since since I'm a mom. But the messy hair, no makeup, occasional body odor, wearing sweats, etc. I was certainly not giving off a sexy vibe.

I fear when other people find out, they'll look at me and look at the women, and then they'll understand how this happened.

My husband confessed they have been talking for weeks

IMO there had to be some hefty flirting going on prior to them hooking up.

I am so sorry he did this to you, it's not about your weight, he did it because he wanted to. Please don't blame yourself.

He must understand his gym days are over, he cannot ever again step into that gym and all communication with the affair partner must end now. No compromising at all. He should be an openbook with his phone, social media, emails, etc. Nothing hidden. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Please check out the Healing Library, there are dozens of articles that will help you figure this nightmare out.

Lean on TRUSTED family and friends.

Nope, absolutely NOT your fault. I don’t care your shape, size or how many days you’ve had on your sweatpants. . . This is NOT your fault!!!!
Funny thing for me was I was literally in the best shape I had been in since college when my husband cheated on me. I was so proud of what I had committed to myself in changing my body, I did it for me but it did not matter, he was lacking in maturity, empathy, integrity, was conflict avoidant among other issues. It was not your weight. When I first found out I asked why and I was told I didn’t keep the house clean enough. . . And I believed it and sobbed that I hung a sweatshirt on his exercise bike instead of putting it away. Oh how I wish I could go back and comfort myself in that moment and tell me the real truth. . . It was not about me.
I’m so sorry, if he had thoughts about your appearance he could have done a hundred things to be encouraging to you. . . There is NEVER an excuse to cheat.

Maybe I need to think how what I say would sound like if I heard another woman say it.

If another woman was blaming herself that her husband cheated on her because she got fat, I would have told her that's insane. That she shouldn't blame herself.

Wow, that's gross for him to say. You have nothing to do with his cheating, nothing. He has work to do on himself. He needs to figure out what was going on with him that caused him to make the choices he has made. Please know, this is all about his relationship with himself. I'm so deeply sorry that someone that you love and committed to can say something so hurtful on top of the hurtful behavior.

You BORE two children for him! Any weight you gained is irrelevant. He owed you loyalty, if anything when he saw how his attention was shifting from you he could of refocused it by working out with you at home. Or encouraged you to come to the gym with him. There are a million things a person can do besides cheating on there partner just cuz they gained weight. My boyfriend when I met him was 170 and now he's 225,men approach me all the time. Yet Ive never dreamed of stepping out on him.I think when we get cheated on we look for any reason to prevent it ever happening and the cheater (if they're a piece of sh#t which usually they are) tries to blame shift by blaming any and everything else. The only thing you did wrong was get with an unloyal man. ** No Soliciting **

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:04 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]