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I've seen it talked about quite a bit. The stages of recovery from infidelity usually include an anger phase, said to generally kick in around the 6 month to 1 year mark. I'm coming up on 10 months from d day and while I know it's still fairly early in the journey I think I'm past the shocked stage and pretty well into the "this actually happened" stage, but I'm not feeling the anger. I'm not saying that I'm not angry at all, I am of course, but I don't think I'm getting into an "more anger once the adrenaline wears off" stage. It's the same indignant anger I've had from the start, and if anything it's beginning to subside a little bit.

I'm not complaining. I've been anticipating it and haven't been looking forward to it, but I think I might be spared from this phase. Too early to tell? Am I being overly optimistic?

I have thought about this a lot. During the first discoveries (which happened two years before the final one), almost all of my anger was focused on my W's AP. I villainized him beyond belief. My feelings for my W were focused on hurt, mixed in with a lot of pick me stuff and hysterical bonding. After the final disclosure and actual ending of the A, I changed my focus to my W and understanding her why. For some reason, I have hardly ever felt deep anger toward her. I almost wanted to at times, but simply didn't. We are on a similar timeline of recovery (at least from our final disclosures), so I empathize with the "this actually happened" phase. For me it's a deep sadness. Maybe I'll get angry later. Reading so many perspectives here, it is clear to me that everyone's trauma response is unique to them. I'm trying to let go of identifying whatever I'm feeling at that moment with a certain stage I should be in. At times, I feel like I'm in all of them or none of them. Feel what you feel and don't feel ashamed of it, or judge yourself for where you think you should be. Best I got. Here for you.

@pogre I guess all journeys are different and none of us have the exact same feelings.

For me the anger I felt was the most powerful of all the emotions. I had never felt so much rage. During that time I was a version of myself I didn’t recognise and it was scary as hell. I would scream, yell, throw things, punch and kick walls - it was honestly awful.

Once the ‘rage’ finally left I have sort of been just plain old pissed off. Like how fucking dare he!!

It’s been 2 and a half years for me now and I’d say I’m still pissed off and often look at my WH with disgust. I now live in a marriage that I don’t think will last forever but for now it’s fine.

Pogre I speculate that this might be influenced by your own personal experience, as your R is going well as I understand, and this means your wife is really trying.

So you are in a phase where your relationship is on a healing path. This is important for you and important for her.

Your strongest emotions and energy is probably focused there, the anger stains secondary.

I think in general you get angry after the shock if you’re wayward stays wayward or unaccountable, so shock, sadness and then realization —> anger.

In my experience true anger came when she reattached and wanted to build a life together, so it comes a boiling rage as "so why the fuck did you do that if you say it was always the best thing, the only true thing in your life?"

It was explosive, suppressing it was self destructive.

There might be a time it will surge, or perhaps it will slide into the indifference like I feels now (which can be worse for the couple)

I was taught that anger is a signal that there's something about your life that you wish were different. I was also taught there are 2 types of anger: 1) that which you can do something about; 2) that which you can't do anything about.

The way out of the first type is to decide how much energy you'll put into changing your life.

The way out of the 2nd is to give it up, despite the injustice.

If you're lucky, you've learned how to give up anger. That opens one up to joy, grief, fear, shame, desire, etc.

Still, you may find yourself raging in the future.

Also, many of us are taught that anger is not OK, even though it's just a feeling. If you really can't allow yourself to feel anger, my reco is to mention that to your IC.

Also, many of us are taught that anger is not OK, even though it's just a feeling. If you really can't allow yourself to feel anger, my reco is to mention that to your IC

.

Anger is the healthy natural response to a boundary violation.
There’s nothing wrong about this.

Pogre I speculate that this might be influenced by your own personal experience, as your R is going well as I understand, and this means your wife is really trying.

I’m guessing I’ll be told by others I’m all wrong, but I’ve seen some common denominators where R tends to go well:

1. The unfaithful spouse relatively quickly reaches TRUE remorse, like "willing to crawl over broken glass for as long as it takes" level. The ones who take 100% responsibility, and accept all natural consequences that come their way, like leaving a job, cutting off friends who were enemies of the relationship, etc. The unfaithful demonstrates enormous patience with their betrayed, answers all questions, comes to detest their AP, consoles their BS in every way they can, etc. etc. etc.

2. While not being in ANY way responsible for the evil choices their spouse made, the betrayed spouse recognizes SOMETHING in them contributed to harming the relationship. The BS then takes action to do their part. Perhaps they drank too much. Perhaps they were emotionally or physically absent when they didn’t have to be. Something.

I see Pogre fitting this (gasp) something of a generalization of circumstances, and I’m legit thrilled R is going well for him.

Pretty much that is what a real R seems like.

Any but or if can lead to a false R, the wayward may even not stray again, but the flaw is still there, not acknowledged and worked on, just swept under the rug.

True reformed wayward partners do the work and become a different person that a partner can build a relationship with.

My anger hasn't really been a stage. It comes and goes as I process things, and as new discoveries happen.

At one point I thought I was on the other side of the worst of the anger, but was triggered when a well-meaning family member sent me a pic of my favorite fly from years ago. It was taken during his first affair. I looked at my oblivious eyes and his POS liar eyes and threw anger just bubbled up. I was unloading the dishwasher when I saw my friend's text, and almost without thinking I threw a coffee mug onto the tile floor. It was one he had painted for me. I have to say, that was instantly cathartic. Since then the anger has reappeared every so often, but not to that extent.

Regarding anger — I really, really embraced it when it hit.

Anger is well earned regarding infidelity.

I processed it all, raged into the void, heck, I even spent a day breaking some stuff. I still kind of miss those bookshelves too.

I found getting my rage out was a very helpful step in my own healing.

While there were a couple tougher arguments along the way, I was able to avoid directing my anger at my wife. That helped too.

Some of it was simply processing the injustice of it all.

None of us asked for this unique pain.

And even if anger is deemed as a secondary response, it can be tackled in healthy ways.

I am glad I vented it out.

I am glad I didn’t bury ANY of it.

While not being in ANY way responsible for the evil choices their spouse made, the betrayed spouse recognizes SOMETHING in them contributed to harming the relationship. The BS then takes action to do their part. Perhaps they drank too much. Perhaps they were emotionally or physically absent when they didn’t have to be. Something.

There was no something in my ‘real’ R.

All I did was love my family with the best information I had at the time.

Nothing about me made my wife choose to do what she chose to do.

I think every single one of us has room to be better and do better, but it wasn’t a step for our rebuild.

I had to find a way to see the best in the person who hurt me on their worst days.

Ultimately, for Pogre — as long as you’re not avoiding anger, or avoiding any negative feelings, I think you’ll find your way forward, with or without an angry phase.

It is easy to figure out if you’re avoiding stuff, because resentments start to creep in.

Storm:

Pogre I speculate that this might be influenced by your own personal experience, as your R is going well as I understand, and this means your wife is really trying.

Your speculation is correct. She is really trying hard, and she's been succeeding. I've immersed myself in this world of infidelity and have read and researched so much about it. She's not a typical remorseless WS. She's not a typical remorseful WS either, for that matter. She's made some pretty drastic changes for the better. We both have.

Sisoon:

If you're lucky, you've learned how to give up anger. That opens one up to joy, grief, fear, shame, desire, etc.

I don't know if I've learned to give up my anger, tho I have mellowed out A LOT as I've gotten older. Still tho, I've always been a "wear my emotions on my sleeve" kind of guy, so I'm not afraid to express it if I feel it. I dunno. Maybe I have grown up a little bit and have gotten better at letting it go instead of stewing in it.

Gr8ful:

1. The unfaithful spouse relatively quickly reaches TRUE remorse, like "willing to crawl over broken glass for as long as it takes" level. The ones who take 100% responsibility, and accept all natural consequences that come their way, like leaving a job, cutting off friends who were enemies of the relationship, etc. The unfaithful demonstrates enormous patience with their betrayed, answers all questions, comes to detest their AP, consoles their BS in every way they can, etc. etc. etc.

2. While not being in ANY way responsible for the evil choices their spouse made, the betrayed spouse recognizes SOMETHING in them contributed to harming the relationship. The BS then takes action to do their part. Perhaps they drank too much. Perhaps they were emotionally or physically absent when they didn’t have to be. Something.

I see Pogre fitting this (gasp) something of a generalization of circumstances, and I’m legit thrilled R is going well for him.

I think your post hits closest to the mark. My wife did hit remorse pretty quickly, and she's been doing everything to the best of her ability to try and make amends. She pretty much did all of those things you listed, and has been incredibly patient and understanding of my mood swings and pain. She answers my questions without deflecting or getting defensive, detests AP, and consoles whenever she can. Once she went NC she hasn't so much as even hinted at slipping up. Outside of the actual infidelity, which was very short lived, she hasn't really given me any reason to be angry. Tho I recognize the infidelity alone is enough, her contrition is very deep and very genuine. It helps a lot.

ALSO... you're right about me, without taking any responsibility for her shitty choices, realizing my own many shortcomings that contributed to harm in the relationship and making changes. Changes she recognizes, acknowledges and appreciates, which only makes her want to work harder to fix and control what she can - herself. It's like a positive feedback loop. I really appreciate your encouragement. Thank you!

Oldwounds:

Ultimately, for Pogre — as long as you’re not avoiding anger, or avoiding any negative feelings, I think you’ll find your way forward, with or without an angry phase.

I don't think I'm avoiding any anger. At least not that I'm aware of. Historically I'm the opposite of someone who ignores feelings or rug sweeps. Like I said, I've always been a "wear his feelings on his sleeve" kind of guy. Sometimes to my detriment. I'm just not feeling the anger I thought I would, or maybe should(?).

It is easy to figure out if you’re avoiding stuff, because resentments start to creep in.

Yeah, I'm not feeling any resentment building up either. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments and I'm very vocal about it. This has been very traumatic for me, and I ain't been shy about it. She's made me feel very safe expressing myself (and I've done the same for her in return). She lets me get it out without getting defensive or being avoidant and sits in my pain with me, while consoling and reassuring, often through tears. All she wants is me. She's forsaken a couple of very long time friends without any resentment or arguments and has committed to a policy of radical honesty. She's been rock solid every day for the last 9 months now. We haven't really had any arguments over her doing or saying the "wrong thing."

So I guess maybe things are just going as well and as smooth as one could hope for given the circumstances. If it weren't for the infidelity and my occasional meltdowns over it I'd daresay we have an almost ideal relationship now. Even intimacy is off the charts. It's been every day, sometimes twice a day, for the last 9½ months and there's no sign of that slowing down either.

I think we just might be one of those couples who end up with a stronger, better marriage at the end of this mess. To be fair, it needed to happen. Our situation wasn't one where everything was fine to start with. Things did need to change. We both needed to change. I feel like we actually appreciate each other now.

All In all, I appreciate every one of you. Finding this forum has been so helpful, and I've gotten so much from it. A lot of things that I've passed on to my wife, who has taken all of it to heart. She knows about these forums and has read most of my threads. The feedback has been invaluable.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:10 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

I believe there is going to naturally be some pretty strong anger with infidelity. It's a major betrayal.

In my case the anger was pretty potent in the first two months after. I was in terrible pain, and I suffered a lot, but in some ways this anger was an energetic form of anger that I could use to accomplish tasks. Something I could get out with physical action. At six months out a different kind of anger hit me when it started to really dawn on me that her actions were completely deliberate, and intentional. This intentionality, combined with sustained resentment, anger, and bitterness FROM HER DIRECTED AT ME really fueled this slower more resentful type of anger. Imagine that. She betrayed me, and she had nearly as much anger, resentment, bitterness, and all that as I did. WHAT!?

After reading many stories on here, it seems that how the wayward handles post discovery greatly affects how the betrayed spouse feels, and how quickly recovery happens.

In your case, it sounds like your wife really is doing all she can and has reached true remorse. She seems very humble and willing to address the damage she caused.

This probably explains why the fabled angry stage hasn't hit you yet. That angry stage is amplified by the wayward continuing to be dumb IMHO.

gr8ful

While not being in ANY way responsible for the evil choices their spouse made, the betrayed spouse recognizes SOMETHING in them contributed to harming the relationship. The BS then takes action to do their part. Perhaps they drank too much. Perhaps they were emotionally or physically absent when they didn’t have to be. Something.

I have to respond to this part as this sentiment really gets my hackles up. It looks a lot like blaming the betrayed spouse for the affair, and it's an attitude my wife has maintained the entire time since revealing her affair.

She says a common phrase that people throw around about affairs (among others), "affairs don't happen in a vacuum", implying that something in the relationship, e.g. something the betrayed partner did, partially or fully caused the affair. This is completely false, and is often used to deflect from taking full accountability by the wayward spouse. Betrayed spouses should not believe they caused this betrayal in any way. There is nothing for them to fix regarding the affair since they did nothing to cause it.

That does not mean they couldn't improve. Everyone can improve and that should be a lifelong goal. It's not a given that the betrayed did something to harm the relationship, and if it were it wouldn't mean that they were part of the problem that caused their spouse to betray them.