SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ive posted this before…My WS was the poster "boy" ( man) of what to do when you have betrayed your spouse. Immediate confession, no trickle truth, remorse, IC, reading, learning growing, stopped drinking and lost weight . All the things I would have liked him to do over our 25 yr marriage - when he dismissed my "push" for healthier lifestyles…….but I just feel ……nothing. I dont see myself out of this relationship but I honestly feel that I now know what he is made of and capable of………it was me holding this family together. Now that he is stepping up it feels a little too late…..I dont see him the same . His one summer of seeing prostitutes violated all trust and who I thought we "were"…….hes doing great, Im just getting by. And I get angry that he is doing so well. Not sure what Im looking for here….just sad and tired.

Your post under a different section here at SI basically states the sane thing.

You are unhappy in your marriage.

There. It’s in black & white staring you in the face.

You stated in your other post you are taking a bullet to keep the family together. My response was (I don’t know if you read it) was it is not necessary to believe a D "will destroy your family".

Yes life will be different. But I’m suggesting that you don’t have to remain silent and extremely unhappy to keep your marriage going so "the kids don’t suffer".

Modeling bring complacent in life is not what kids need to see. They will figure out eventually you are unhappy. And your kid(s) deserve a happy mom.

I suggest some professional counseling to help you change your mindset about "divorce destroying a family". It doesn’t have to be that way.

There are a number of people here at Si who posted that they wished their parents would have divorced as their home life was not good.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:17 PM, Thursday, December 26th]

Yes im posting a lot., well not a lot but more than usual. Im having a hard time….

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 2:53 PM, Thursday, December 26th]

There are a number of people here at Si who posted that they wished their parents would have divorced as their home life was not good.

I remember my sister and I wondering why my parents stayed together in their 70s. They were miserable to be around, and we avoided them. My mother’s contempt for my father was palpable. In hindsight, it was always there in our household, leaking into all aspects of life.

I think if I were in your situation I’d focus solely on me (and perhaps the kids depending on age). Find your happiness. Don’t allow your marriage to make you happy or unhappy. Make him irrelevant and find what you want. He may still be there when you figure it out or maybe your happy place turns out to be someplace without him. Take him out of the equation. I am married and happy. Notice I don’t say I am happily married. My marriage is a small part of my life but is certainly not what makes me happy or even unhappy. It’s just one of many important relationships to me, but does not define me or my state of mind.

Thank you for your response and that sounds good. A problem is we both work from home so we are together 24 seven. Honestly, I need space I need to not see his face all the time. When he’s feeling insecure, I don’t need him coming up hugging on me all the time I need space to heal so I really need to figure that out

He’s doing great - at my expense. If I hadn’t caught him 🤷‍♀️ but for now he’s lost nothing. I’m sure he carries a lot of guilt and shame but one yr later — he’s fit , healthier ….I feel I’ve lost my trust , naivety and purpose …

Satya, I feel you and I am you! Its been over 1 year for us now too and he’s much better and healthier (although his relationship with my family is still strained but given what he’s done, he’s lucky they love me so much to stand by what I choose and tolerate him).

I’m struggling to find any clarity on if staying is what I want or if I’m just being scared or change, or feeling sorry for him. We both really want kids and I feel like if we break up he’ll go into a depressive shame spiral and won’t move on and have kids with anyone else (even though he nearly had a kid with someone else while with me!?) not sure why I feel like that but I think it was seeing him so broken when he told me everything that he’d been doing and he was talking about suicide. Also don’t want our last decade to have been for nothing and we get on well. Perhaps we’ll just be friends who have a kid together. I struggle to want to be initiate with him or have any intimacy feelings toward him at the moment.

Like what you said, I feel like it’s all a little too late now and he even looks different to me now as well like he’s not the person I knew for the last decade.

Sorry no advice but just to say you’re absolutely not alone. We will get through this. You are strong enough to handle whatever choice you feel is best. And no decision is permanent even divorce, you could still reconcile.

Hope you’ve been able to enjoy the holidays

LittleRedRobin23- go slowly… I have 25 years in and am almost 60. :( now I have to consider my young adult children

There are plenty of great guys out there to have a baby with. A decade isn’t that long. I understand being young - you have time for the big decisions ❤️

**sorry if this sounds patronizing. I hear your pain. Value yourself. ❤️

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 1:33 AM, Friday, December 27th]

I understand the struggles you are facing. I was once you.

My H begged me to R after dday2 of affair2. I really planned to D him. But he kept hounding me to give him a chance. I basically said ok to shut him up and planned to D him anyway.

It took me 12 months to stop waking up every day thinking "I cannot do this and u need to D". While I had an amazing professional counselor I was just not convinced I could R with him.

For all of the reasons you list SatyaMom. Same situation. But somehow he turned it around and we were able to happily R. But it took me 3 years to heal myself and feel like I was really almost my old self.

Here are some suggestions for you during this struggle (and I hope they help you):

1. You have to heal yourself. The cheater can only do so much, the rest is on you.

2. You need to put yourself first. Forever. Not the marriage or your spouse. YOU!

3. Get. Out. Of. Your. House. Go sit in a coffee shop or library or a park — just get your own space. There were times I would pick up my keys and tell him I’m meeting a friend and you & kids are on your own and walk out the door. I needed distance often.

4. Start your own social life. Things that do not include him. Whatever it is - go do it. Travel. Join clubs. Get involved in hobbies or groups that interest you.

5. Rewrite your will. Get a post nup. Get your own bank account. Financially protect yourself. It can be a game changer.

6. I’d suggest stop focusing on your marriage. Focus on yourself.

It’s not meant to be mean or disrespectful but to help you heal. He was your priority and now he has broken that bond. Life doesn’t go back to the way it was. That’s the part the cheater doesn’t get.

I hope this helps you. I became much happier when I made myself my priority.

PS I didn’t mean anything negative when I referenced your post in another forum. I was only referring to it for others here who may not read other forums and to highlight your post to show how much you are struggling. I’m sorry that it came across negative - that was not my intent.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:11 AM, Friday, December 27th]

Thank you
The1stWife

I guess Im realizing I really dont know how to put myself FIRST. I have for 25 years raised my family abroad- couldn’t work but it’s the life we choose. I devoted myself to raising my children and I thought we had a great life. I do take great care of myself as far as exercise, eating properly and I have a good friend support network…….I have recently realized I dont know what I want…..I wanted what I had. Im devastated- even a year out….I am considered strong and independent but I think Im very codependent with my WS. We both came from traumatizing childhoods with alcoholic parents and when we married in our early 30s clung to each other and ran to the other side of the planet.

I wake up every day sad. I honestly dont know what else to do to heal…….I do get out, but then I do worry about WS home alone and sad. Im taking your words to heart

I think what propelled me was ANGER!

Even during his affair I continued to put him first. But that ended on dday2. I HAD to get off the emotional rollercoaster. He kept going back and forth with "I want a D. Nope - changed my mind" for 6 months.

When I realized I was working my butt off to Reconcile and he’s still cheating - I had a moment of clarity. I don’t need to do this any longer.

It was no longer up to him to decide what I wanted. Or what was going to be our future.

I’m sorry you are struggling and feeling lost. Wish I could wave the magic wand and change your dynamic.

I’d suggest stop focusing on your marriage. Focus on yourself.

I think this is key.

To feel valued by others you need to find value in yourself. Some of the things you write might indicate you are taking yourself for granted. Maybe because others do so...
I think that if you place more value on yourself, it empowers you to set better boundaries – especially for those that take your for granted. Your kids might be shocked when they learn that mom does NOT pick their clothes off the floor in their room, or does not pay their phone or whatever. When your husband learns that you aren’t there every Monday evening because you have now decided to go to your Bridge club or whatever.

I strongly suggest you start doing something that might catch your interest. I can share that at 40 I went back into fly-fishing and completely fell for it. For you it will probably be something different – golf, tennis, yoga, arranging exciting trips... whatever. Spend time and money on YOU.

Although I encourage you to have your own social life, then keep in mind that you do need a social life with your husband. We have too many instances here on SI where the WS meets potential EA or PA partner in the running club or the cycling group. It’s always a question of balance.

One final suggestion: Have your told your husband about this emotion? If you have it in you then maybe give him a deadline. Like tell him honestly that you don’t feel like this is working as-is, and that he needs to find ways for you to get the emotions needed for you to see him positively as a husband, and as someone you can envision spending your life with. Tell him you don’t plan on anything drastic for the next xx months, but that you feel he needs to be aware of your emotions, and that he has an opportunity to change your mind.

Thank you

I do have activities I do …. Community service with the homeless. He has recently started doing this with me once a week. I also have a small pt job I love which helps and a new hobby. So I’m working on it

I have new friends - finding friends together is tough. Everyone goes out for cocktails etc and we are avoiding that.

I’m just stuck. He knows how I feel. He is so upset. He has done everything he can do and now I have to figure out how to move forward. Just having trouble getting over what he is capable of. He was seriously my best friend and lover. I’m still in shock

SatyaMom you have suffered an emotional shock that has completely rocked your world and everything and everyone you believed in.
I totally understand where you are. The person you loved and trusted most callously betrayed you.
Why would he risk loosing you for some tawdry fling?
Nothing makes sense and you were left broken and expected to somehow recover?
Put yourself first and understand he is 100% responsible for everything he did and the consequences of his pathetic infidelity.
You are strong and he was weak.
Absolutely no excuses for his choices

Satyamom,

I have the same situation like yours. You are not alone . Still feel trapped , stuck and lost.

I found out the affair and my second Dday was 3 years ago. I am still in shock as well , even now !! It was a 5 months virtual sex PA continued with a 4 month EA after Dday with an old college friend. He still contacted her 2 days a week "as friends", in those 4 months , I guess to give her a "soft landing", before eventually ended the relationship .
Since he was involved in both , I am more hurt with his EA compared to his PA. He told her the L word daily for 5 months !
The virtual sex and romance stopped after Dday but I am still hurting from how it was still hard for him to emotionally disconnect, even after he saw me crying daily….I cried daily for a year.
Bigger and 1st wife were correct . We need to focus more on us, our happiness and help ourselves to heal . I am still learning to accept how my WH is not the one I used to know and loved . He tries his best now but sometimes I feel as of it is a bit too late . He did something that was beyond my understanding .

What I am trying to do now is accepting what has happened , try to shut down the infidelity memories and live at the moment …. I am still working on it . There are still many more down than up days but I keep on trying and hopefully one day, the ups are more significant than the down days.
Let’s try it together , try to erase the mind movies and see him as he is now . Focus on us and be more emotionally independent . My goal is to be able to find happiness again like 1st wife , Sissoon, Bigger and other BS who have finally healed and moved on .
Hugs to you .

SatyaMom, I’ll echo what’s been said above. Focus on yourself. I’m closing in on 4 years post DDay and while I’ve done a ton of healing this past year through some pretty intense IC with a great therapist, I now know the value in myself. I’ve learned to stand up for myself although I still don’t begin difficult conversations with my WW because I know what the outcome if it will be already. Anything she doesn’t like about my behavior over this is all on her. As many have read over the years, my wife just doesn’t get it, and I don’t think she ever will. She’s a champion rugsweeper and it’s gonna cost her me in the near future. I’m perfectly fine either direction our relationship goes and it has taken me quite a while to get there. I simply don’t tolerate her trying to get defensive with me or trying to manipulate me. She still acts selfishly and I have t seen any work on herself since day 1. I have friends and when I want to go have some fun, I do. Her and I still enjoy time together, but it’s more as friends than partners. I’m really beginning to accept that infidelity truly was a dealbreaker for me, and that’s OK. I just haven’t convinced myself of it yet but I’m getting really close. It may be the same for you. Being cheated on sure makes you feel like you deserve a much better person. At least he is doing the work, I envy that, but even if my wife did everything right I still just don’t know that I can ever trust her enough to be truly happy and safe. Hopefully this opened up a little perspective for you. Wishing you the best.

Not feeling it? That's an important signal that you're sending to yourself. IMO, it's normal. If it lasts a long time, it probably means you don't want to R - but it could just be a phase.

Some specific suggestions: Your H seems to expect you to provide support when he wants it and in the form that he wants it. That's his problem.

You need to set your boundaries. If he wants a hug, it's best for him to ask for a hug. If he wants to give you a hug, it's best for him to ask if you're willing to accept a hug, although wanting to give you a hug is probably and excuse for getting a hug.

Do you say 'no' as much as you'd like to? If not, upping your proportion of 'NOes' is an example of taking care of and taking responsibility for yourself. Saying 'Not now' is another example. Doing some work in a coffee shop that allows customers to work is yet another.

Let your mind, heart, and gut come up with other ways of being and showing who you are. You may find that you're pretty cool.

*****

More important, R requires a WS who does the necessary work, but it also requires the BS to do the necessary work.

Part of your work is to process the feelings that come from being betrayed out of your body. Another part is to rebuild the healthy bonds that keep an M going.

Your recent posts say you don't want to do that part. That's fine. You owe it to yourself to do the healing work. You also owe it to yourself to do as much of what you want to do as you can. If you don't want to live the rest of your life (probably something on the order of 25 years) with your H, so be it.

IMO, most BSes have to do at least some tearing down and rebuilding oneself. The rebuilt self will be different from the pre-tear-down self. For some of us, that means wanting to end the M.

I urge you to give yourself permission to choose the resolution you want most. Accept that you want what you want - and go after it.

I've drafted the following several times over the years, but I don't know if I ever actually included it in a post. I think it's important to you now.

In surveys of elderly people, single women are happiest, followed by married men.

I do not mean that I think you Should D. I do not mean that D is your best course of action.

I do mean that there is everything right about questioning what you want to do with your M and accepting that's what you're doing. No apology needed.

Hmmm ... questioning your M may get you answers that lead to R and an M that serves both of you very well.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:33 PM, Monday, January 6th]