SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I am working on my healing….giving myself some grace as my nervous system still is out of whack….Im wondering if a Polygraph and or a Postnup was helpful for those of you who have successfully reconciled. Did it help rebuild trust….

Within weeks of my Dday I found a lawyer to draw up a post nup. I felt safer about my future with it, but it didn't help with rebuilding trust at all. I wish it had.

Whether or not it will help is largely dependent on a host of factors that are personal to your situation. It can help, or it could not. That depends on you, him, the outcomes, and what each potential outcome would mean for your ability to trust.

I only have experience with the polygraph. My WW wrote out a timeline. I did not/still do not believe that it represents the whole iceberg. So I constructed four questions to catch lies, omissions, totality of sex acts/ and if coitus occurred.

She passed the polygraph. Things were easier for a time, but it gave her ammunition to act like we were past this.

I discovered a menagerie of information I didnt know about from electronic snooping that threaten, but not destroy, the veracity of the polygraph. Essentially, to me, the whole timeline is in question again. She has a passed polygraph to lean against revisiting disclosure. And rebuilding trust might not be possible for our situation, at least not to my satisfaction.

But your situation might differ. Your wayward might not have lied for as long as mine did. I cant afford to impose my conclusions on your relationship. You could derive trust from your outcome, circumstances depending. My view is its worth a shot, a chance. But it isnt guaranteed to be your magic answer to the trust problem. Id advise you to be prepared for that possibility.

Polygraphs create a binary outcome. Either deception is detected, or it isnt. Its possible to have deception detected for true statements. And its possible to lie without being detected. They arent infallible. A person who has fooled themselves to the point of believing their own lies might pass. Or not, and still believe themselves!

The trust has to come from you, your resonance with placing faith in him. You can try, you can get help, he can do everything right, and still. If you cant do it, you cant. Thats not your fault!

I'm not exactly responding to the question you asked, but I recommend legal representation for the WS if you're relying on the enforceability of a post nup. When one party is giving up assets to which they would otherwise be legally entitled, the courts insist that on clear written documentation that they understood that and were not coerced. If the agreement leaves one party destitute (and particularly if that would entitle the destitute party to government benefits), a judge will probably throw it out. The post nup should clearly outline what the WS gets in return for giving up the assets and should not be completely unbalanced. Basically, it should hurt in favor of the BS, but it shouldn't kill either party financially.

If you present a WS with an unenforceable contract, there's a decent chance they'll sign it because they know it's meaningless, and it won't have the desired effect on their actions or offer any real protection to the BS. And be aware, some states do not recognize post nups at all. I don't know what happens if you sign one in a jurisdiction that recognizes them and divorce in a jurisdiction that doesn't.

I have a separate checking account in which I keep enough money to "bug out" if I ever need to. My H can't access it. I've never needed it, but it has provided me with tremendous peace of mind, especially since I've experienced financial infidelity. I highly recommend going that route instead of a post-nup, which might not hold up.

Post nuptial didn’t help me regain trust. Though the act of effectively drawing up a divorce decree, while working through early days post DDay, hammered home to us both what we stood to lose. I remember my FWH wondering why I’d want one….and it was an easily identifiable moment for him that he ended our old marriage without notifying me during the A. The post nup DID help me to feel a little more security financially. I didn’t want to work on the marriage for the children or because I would be destitute in a divorce. This gave me some breathing room.

I didn’t do a polygraph. I DID get a voice recorder, which provided hours of FWH in the car calling himself a dumbass for doing this.

Rebuilding trust for me was continued transparency, continued leaning in, him driving the MC efforts, us both being in IC, and a million little things that we both did well and imperfectly over years.

Shoot, got triggered yesterday, and now we’re old hat at it. Told him what I needed without attacking him and he is able to help me in those moments. I wish there was an easier process.

In community property states even separate bank accounts will be part of the marital assets and divided accordingly. Unfortunately, there is no saving your own money to escape. Divorce courts will see assets and debts equally regardless of whose name is on the account and like Sit Robin explained post nups are typically not enforceable unless they divide the assets in a way that would be similar to a divorce.

A post nup or polygraph test will not prevent someone from cheating.

The only thing that can stop a person from cheating is cheating either a moral compass or something internal that prevents them from doing the wrong thing.

Cheaters will cheat if that is what they want to do.

My post nup was not used to prevent or stop the cheating. It was there so when I started the D proceedings certain assets were mine and not considered joint marital property.

People can beat a polygraph so to me, they don’t resolve anything. Or stop anything either.

Edited for egregious typos

My own experience with the polygraph. It was kind of disappointing me. I did not understand that only 3 questions are allowed. My husband did pass. But I had soooooooo many questions I wanted the polygraph to address. As I said, the polygrapher we used has very specific instructions and I was left feeling deflated because I submitted 10 or so questions and he randomly asked 3 (with his wording).

The polygrapher was very clear on this being the process. But I was still not left feeling satisfied. We did the polygraph 5 months after D Day. I am 4 plus years out and only time and many many conversations with my WH helped. me.

I know that's kind of a non answer but it was for me a "meh" experience though I was glad he passed the 3 questions. MY Wh is a very monotone flat speaker and I have often wondered if he is even a good candidate for a polygraph. That's rhetorical. No one can answer that.

We had a prenup (2nd marriage). And I am currently drafting a revised post nup. He is fine with that. Both of those made me feel secure.

[This message edited by ReconBrave24 at 4:17 PM, Friday, January 3rd]

In community property states even separate bank accounts will be part of the marital assets and divided accordingly. Unfortunately, there is no saving your own money to escape.

By the time attorneys got around to worrying about community property, I'd have spent it to get out. And you bet your boots that we'd also be talking about the hidden money he used to build hot rods or conduct affairs. I'm not worried about him, and I'm not worried about courts. Besides, he knows it's there. I'm not hiding anything.

What I'm suggesting is that Satya and her H agree on an amount that helps her feel safe, and is hers to do with as she wishes with his blessing. They could consult an attorney and draw up an agreement. I think that's likely more solid than a post-nup, but I'm no lawyer.