SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m curious how some of you would feel about this.

During my husband, summer of acting out, he was drinking very heavily and had a longtime friend from when he was in his 20s ( now 57) who he was also spending a lot of time with. They went to concerts and got drunk. This guy came to our house, got completely wasted and made some inappropriate comments which my college age daughter overheard. I was furious. We’ve always both agreed that this friend is kind of "a pig." But my husband said he had boundaries with him and that they were a long time friends. My husband tends to do that. He holds onto his friends from college days, but does not make a lot of new friends

So as we have gone through this very challenging year, and while he is in therapy and doing everything he can do, I did not realize he was still talking to his friend at least once a week. He also informed me that he’s going skiing with him next week. He had brought this up to me and I told him I was not really happy about it. I’m stuck between two things 1. Let him do what he’s gonna do and just continue to watch his behaviors 2. Make a stand and make sure he’s very clear on my feelings about the situation. If he does not get to go skiing, he’s gonna be angry and I’m not really too worried about that. I now associate this friend to be of poor moral character and integrity. AND I did say something to him a few days ago and he said "I’m not going to stop being friends with Ron " so …… to me it sounds like he is not prioritizing me and us. He has other friends who are supportive of our marriage Thoughts ?

Editing to add said friend does not know about infidelity :( he told none of his friends 🤷‍♀️yet talks to them weekly 🤷‍♀️

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 4:42 PM, Wednesday, January 1st]

Birds of a feather flock together. By remaining friends, he's making a very strong statement that he condones what his friend says and does. I would not be ok with being married to "a pig." JS. My ex had a few friends of questionable character. Now, looking back, hindsight tells me to never stay with someone ever again, that remains friends with people of questionable character. One of my best friends, someone I'd been like sisters to for 20 years, I had to cut her loose. She was friends with a man who raped a few women. It wasn't called rape back then. He and some of his buddies used to bring drink women back to the barracks and then take turns having sex with her. This was the late 80s, when stuff like this was just "boys being boy," and society turned a blind eye. I was never cool with it or those guys. When I found out she was still friends, I ended our friendship. I would honestly divorce a man if he remained friends with guys like his friend because it means he's no different. But that's me.

Some random thoughts, SatyaMom

1. You have a permanent Get Out of Marriage card handed to you by him, good for the rest of your life. Never forget it.

2. Stuff that you didn’t like but tolerated before the A, you don’t have to tolerate now. Think of the A as a complete reset. It is not enough for him to slouch back into "good as old". The A needs to be the jolt that puts him on the path to growth. You want somebody who is better than he was before. Not fixed…improved.

3. The pig might be a great friend to your WH, but it doesn’t sound like he is a friend of the marriage. If you google on "wedding community vows", lots of examples of what you want from a friend of the marriage. Don’t settle.

4. Pay attention in your interactions with if you are communicating your position, or if you are manipulating him into an action. If you are just just telling him what you are going to do, or if you are trying to get him to do something. It’s subtle, the difference. To the max extent possible, just try to communicate what you’ll do.

I’m stuck between two things 1. Let him do what he’s gonna do and just continue to watch his behaviors 2. Make a stand and make sure he’s very clear on my feelings about the situation.

Maybe a blend of the two? The thing about your item 2 is it sounds like there would be some manipulation going on, and effort to influence him. Get him not to go. Which would be followed by his tantrum and sulking.

Where you want to be is, rather than try to get him not to go, just communicate to him that you’ll be watching as he make his decisions as he best sees fit, and you will make yours to best protect yourself. That you are perfectly fine with ending things. He is free to do as he wants, and so are you.

If you can get to the point of accepting either path, it would likely be best for both of you. No more games, here’s the red lines, this is what you now need, ball is in his court. The Get Out of Marriage card is right there in your pocket.

It’s tough, and you’ve been heard, SM!

The problem is: a top candidate for R would probably choose not to take a ski trip without you at this point, especially not with a misogynist, so IMO, you know he's not a top candidate for R. If you want R, though, all you need is a good enough candidate for R.

Here's a hypothesis: your discomfort lies with his not being a great R candidate. If that's the case, your discomfort and difficulty is figuring out if he's good enough.

My reco is to reexamine your commitment to R. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with your WS? If so, what does your gut say about your probability of success - do you think your WS will come through for R soon enough to satisfy you?

Give up trying to control the outcome. Go for healing yourself, and let D or R or giving it more time develop organically/naturally.

All you've got is your gut ... keep monitoring its messages.

You can hold your head high whether you D, R, or wait, especially if you follow InkHulk's message in his thread of earlier today.

Courage. Patience.

UPDATE- I spent 3 days alone house sitting for my sister and general self care. I set a boundary with WS that I wasn’t willing to feel devalued and not a priority. We had a long talk and he told me he absolutely would end the friendship and choose me over the friend , he expressed that he is working hard ( he is ) and has new boundaries with said friend ( one is my husband hasn’t drank in over a year) , he said he will speak to him about inappropriate comments immediately if it happens again…he also said he is working on new hobbies and meeting new friends…this is true ….so communication helped here and Im feeling a lot better. Part of this is on me- in the past I’d say "do whatever you want" because I didn’t want to be a nag or his "mother" but then id get resentful when he WOULD! lol. Learning to be clear, calm and set healthy boundaries.

Awesome update, SatyaMom!