SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm divorcing my husband after DD#2, which was uncovered by my college-aged kids. They are not speaking to their father and have not responded to the two message he's sent them since his affair / our marriage / the family blew up 10 days ago.

Last night STBXH texted me the following: "it's too bad that I've lost you and the kids. It's sad, and honestly somewhat disappointing that the kids have shut me out. I thought we had a better relationship than this. But it is what it is. I'll never stop trying with them."

The more I think about it, the more this message angers me and also makes me sad for my husband's emotional inabilities. Saying "the kids have shut me out" makes the kids the aggressors and him the victim, when it's his actions that led to this situation. And the "I thought we had a better relationship than this" also feels like subtly shifting blame to the kids for not being there for him during his time of need.

I haven't responded to STBXH yet, but now that I'm seeing his narcissism with clear eyes, I feel a need to respond or point this out to him. There's no reason for me to hold back at this point, and maybe my pointing out his blame-shifting will eventually help him be more self-aware. Or maybe not, but for the kids' sake I should give it a try.

What do you see in his text message, and how would you respond?

"You did have a better relationship with them, right up until they found out how little you care about them, or me. Right up until they found out you were abusing me and trashing their family, their security and their lives, because you care more about you than you do about us. Right up until they learned how little character, morals and integrity you have, and lost respect for you. You’re surprised by this? I wonder what you’ll think about all this, on your death bed. Your obit will read, ‘Leaves behind his estranged family, and his whore.’"

I haven't responded to STBXH yet, but now that I'm seeing his narcissism with clear eyes

He is only going to see/hear what he wants regardless of what you try to explain.

the family blew up 10 days ago

It is very raw for all involve. Seriously...what did he expect?!

It would be sooo easy to just change is own words around:

It's sad, and honestly somewhat disappointing that you have have shut the kids out with your affairs. They thought they had a better relationship than this. "

Good news thought, fixing his relationship with his children is not your job. That is all on him. I do not think I would even go there with him. I would support your children but whatever he is trying to do is on him.

I am a long ways out from my D and each of my children picked a different path with their father. I support both.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:52 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]

Your husband reminds me of a New Yorker cartoon that I had framed and put in my law office. It showed a lawyer arguing to a judge, "My client is being persecuted for his beliefs! He believed he’d never get caught." Consequences can be a b*itch. Personally, I’d ignore his invitation to his pity party. Through the years I have learned the wisdom of the saying, "When a donkey brays, only a jackass answers." He knows that he created the rift with his kids. He’s a jerk, not a dope. He just wants to make you feel bad. Let him bray. Do not engage.

Your better off just telling him to "Fuck off!" He's not going to accept blame. He'll just piss you off further by twisting everything you say and still making himself the victim. Another classic, "I'm sorry you feel that way!"

I didn't learn this for a while after, but completely ignoring them bothers them more. Ignoring is so hard in the beginning, though. And, yes, that is blameshifting.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 3:18 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]

NC = no new hurts. Why not limit comms to the lawyers?

You hit the nail on the head with it being a narcissistic trait. I wouldn't point anything out to him as it is not your job. You are divorcing him and his relationship with the kids is for him to fix. My xWS still plays the victim to this day. He can't understand why I left so many years after our False R so he paints me as the one who broke up the family not how all his actions and behaviors led to it's demise.

Agree with going as low contact or even no contact if you can with him.

Both my kids have a relationship with their dad. They see his bad traits but they practice strong boundaries with him.

What do you see in his text message, and how would you respond?

Blame shifting, 100%. Not of the affair, per se, but definitely blame shifting responsibility for the consequences.

I couldn't begin to tell you whether he's a narcissist or not...no one, save a trained professional, can do that. However, this is the sort of statement a narcissist would make. He's trying to to get a rise out of you and/or your children. Don't reward his efforts with any emotional or logical arguments. Either a grey-rock response or no response at all.

DO NOT RESPOND.

There's several layers of manipulation in his message. The first layer, as you noticed, is blameshifting... but he's not just blaming the kids; he's not-so-subtly blaming you for leaving him. The second layer is his attempt to get you to pity him and bait you into engaging in an argument with him. The third layer-- and perhaps the most important one-- is his attempt to use you as a conduit to your children.

You might not realize this yet, but based on your previous posts and what I know about narcissists in general, he's probably relied on you throughout your marriage to handle the children and his relationship with them. The fact that you're not running cover for him-- and that he will actually have to put in attention and emotional labor into regaining and maintaining a relationship with the children-- is a very unexpected and very unpleasant experience for him.

As tempting as it might be to respond-- and fall back into your old pattern of handling the kids for him-- you need to let him deal with this consequence of his actions and not interfere, even if it's just to tell him to f*** off. Your kids are adults who have a choice as to whether (and to what extent) they want a relationship with their father.

And seriously... this is how he's acting after only 10 days and sending 2 measly messages?!

Not only did your husband cheat on you, he put your kids in the horrible position of discovering his infidelity and having to break the news to you. Your kids need their time and their space to process their pain and trauma. Their healing can take months or even years. If he can't understand and respect that, then there's nothing you could possibly say that will get through to him... so don't bother.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:33 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]

I'm a proud resident of Petty Gloat Junction, so I'd make him sweat and leave him on read, but it sure is fun to think of snarky responses.

"Cool. Go try with them and stop trying me."

"We all thought we had a better relationship than this, but it is what it is and you are who you are."

"You betrayed their mother - again - and destroyed their family. What did you expect?"

"New phone. Who dis?"

Also, Blue nailed it.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 6:37 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]

I'm a proud resident of Petty Gloat Junction, so I'd make him sweat and leave him on read, but it sure is fun to think of snarky responses.

How about my personal favorite?

"UNSUBSCRIBE"

🤣

"UNSUBSCRIBE"

YESSSSSSSSSSS.

Do. Not. Respond.

1. He can take the message and use it against you with the kids. As in " look how your mother treats me, no wonder we are D".

2. Don’t stoop to his level. He’s a crybaby victim and he needs to validate his feelings by blaming the kids for his poor choices. Don’t even acknowledge it.

3. Your lack of response will irk him more than anything you can say. Silence is golden lol.

4. If you must respond - UNSUBSCRIBE is the most hilarious 😂 response you can give him.

5. If you must respond, "thank you for sharing your thoughts" is acceptable. He may not get the sarcasm you intend but it’s a harmless response.

You may need to block him.

OMG. "Unsubscribe" is THE best reply you could ever use!

You guys are the best! These responses were insightful and helpful...and they made me smile, which is something I'm not doing enough these days. Thank you for the wisdom and support.

No contact right now isn't practical, but it will be soon, once we get a few of the major divorce things sorted out. Attorneys can deal with most things, but there are some practical items related to the kids and our house that we have to handle ourselves. I'm going with the "as low contact as possible" approach until those things are worked out.

I decided to respond to his message, but only with a simple "thanks for telling me" comment. He responded with something cryptic - which isn't like him - and I chose to ignore that message. Yesterday was the first day since his affair was exposed that he didn't text me, and the only contact I had with him was an early morning message that he sent to someone at our bank. I was only copied, so it wasn't even a message directly to me.

And - funny how this works - I had a really good day yesterday. I would actually say I was happy. I know there will be plenty of tough days ahead, so I'm trying to enjoy the good ones and not think too hard about it!

Yes, it does sound like blame-shifting.

I want to make one suggestion:
Don’t come between your kids and him and make it clear to them that they can have a relationship with their dad even if you two divorce, and for whatever reason you two divorce. Your marriage is not their issue. Try as you can to not be judgmental about him around the kids, that they don’t have to take sides.

At the same time – keep a couple of things in mind:
It’s not your role to create or enable their relationship with their dad. That is totally between them. As an adult dealing with young adults still learning about life, then it’s probably going to be his initiative to create that relationship. If he fails in doing that, then that’s totally on him.

Not becoming involved in their relationship does not equate to covering up for him or for refusing to share the truth. Only do so as factually and fairly as you can. Like... there is a world of difference is saying their dad is a cheating SOB (which might be true...) or saying that their dad had affairs and that the two of you couldn’t find a compromise that both could accept. It’s basically the same message.

I don’t see a big need to respond to his post.
If he persists in trying to involve you then you could respond with something like:
It’s not my role to be involved in your private life the way a husband and wife should be. Now you are totally free to do what you want in your private life without my involvement, including how you interact with your kids.

Great advice, Bigger. I have taken great pains to be truthful with the kids, without being judgmental. Since they uncovered the affair, it was never an option to describe the situation as "your dad and I have had a great 25 years but are at a point where our marriage no longer works." They know about their dad's multiple affairs. I've acknowledge that history and also expressed compassion and sadness at seeing someone I've loved for decades make such destructive choices. I hope the kids can eventually recognize how much of an inner struggle or pain he must have been feeling to choose that path...while also being clear about their boundaries and making sure whatever relationship they might have in the future with their dad will be one that is healthy and safe for them.

And I've talked with them multiple times about how their future relationship with their dad is for them to decide. The two of them may not want the same thing (if one kid wants a relationship and the other does not), and that's ok. I've also said explicitly that if either of them desires to be in contact with their dad or resume a relationship, they should not feel that they can't do this out of some sense of loyalty to me.

So far, they have no desire to be in contact with him. And his pattern in the past has been to expect others to make the first move and initiate relationships (expect for his affairs, which he has initiated (-: ) so I suspect he's going to be waiting for a while.

@Arnold

I don't know if it's feasible for you, but after my Dday and separation my now XH and I communicated only through email, at my request. To me, email seems less urgent than text. When I would get an email from him about financial stuff, I'd respond when I felt like it...sometimes that day and sometimes not at all.

Since he decided to stop acting like a husband, you don't have to act like a wife and respond to texts if you don't want. You can even set up a special email just for him to contact you so you don't accidentally have your day ruined by an unexpected message from him.

Good luck and we're all here when you need us!

Definitely blame shifting, and a narc trait.

He thought he had a better relationship than this...you all thought you had a better husband and father. Perhaps when he was so busy pumping energy and time into his affairs he didn't notice that his relationship with his children wasn't as solid and close as he thought.

My exWP walked my youngest daughter down the aisle, her father hasn't been in her life for many years, so she considered exWP her "Dad". She's 27 and more than old enough to draw her own conclusions about things.

Yet he blames me for ruining their relationship, and absolutely refuses to accept or acknowledge that it was his actions that ruined their relationship. I'm the selfish one he says and just did it out of spite. She hasn't blocked him or refused to communicate with him, she just feels that he's the one who needs to reach out and make amends. As time goes on where he doesn't try to make amends, she becomes more disengaged and distant from him. His lack of accountability doesn't garner any respect from her.

I've explained til I'm blue in the face to him, that she is upset because he hurt her mother. I've come to see that no matter how many times over the years I have given him blue-prints of how to address an issue with me, or her, he ignores the blue-prints. I'm saying to myself oh dude I've just told you how to fix this 10 different ways. I've learned now that I don't have a communication problem or not being able to explain myself in a way he 'gets', he's the one with a comprehension problem. Typical in a personality disordered relationship.

Until your exWH is willing to look at himself and the consequences of his choices, then everyone else will be the reason his life has blown up.

UNSUBSCRIBE - love it.