SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time posting, this may be long. Its been 8 months since my life was destroyed. We have been together almost 10 years, engaged for 3, (no longer engaged since Dday.) 2 years into the relationship she had a sexual fling that lasted 6 months. During that time we were long distance. Then a 3 year affair that started only a few months after we moved in together which I think is insane. I started getting suspicious near the end of her affair when she was staying out late. I questioned her at least twice and she lied to my face. It was around this time she apparently "snapped out of it" and ended the affair and tried to put it behind her for good. I think her snapping out of it was really the two worlds starting to collide.

I trusted her so blindly because I honestly never thought she would be the kind of person to do that. And I imagine if our friends and family found out they would be completely shocked as well. We are one of those couples everyone wants to be, everyone thinks we are perfect together and that she is a little perfect angel. If only they knew what happened. I mistook her emotional immaturity for innocence. Her lack of communication for low maintenance. She's been wearing a mask for a long time and she had me pretty well fooled guys.

Almost a year after I proposed to her, she accepted and we had a kid. Soon after we started taking religion more seriously and after a long journey we came to the Catholic faith. Around this time our intimacy was pretty bad. She was very cold. When I would come up to hug and kiss her from behind she would recoil. I started to get frustrated and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I actually started getting worried thinking she was depressed or something. In the back of my mind I started asking myself if she did in fact cheat on me that time years ago. I thought I was going crazy. Then one day she sat me down and said she needed to talk to me about something. This is the first time she has EVER wanted to talk to me about something. That's when she spilt the beans. I felt so stupid. I had a hunch and went against it. I tried to see the best in her.

When I asked her why she did it the first time she said because I wasn't calling her enough. Then the 3 year affair was because I was inside too much. basically that I wasn't giving her enough attention. I quickly brought up the point that 1) that does not justify cheating. Nothing does. 2) This is the first time I'm EVER hearing about this. Like problems from 8 years ago she had in our relationship, Im just hearing about it now... We quickly came to the conclusion that she has 0 communication skills. That was the only time and last time she blamed me. She takes full accountability and gave full disclosure. (im pretty sure)

The next 2 months were pretty rough. I withdrew and was drinking alot, having panic attacks, emotional breakdowns, fits of rage, depression, HB, interrogations, it was fn crazy. I was doing most of the heavy lifting while she was trying to rugsweep. It was like beating my head against a wall trying to get her to do anything. Then I told her I was done doing all the work and that this was her mess to clean up. Whatever she puts into the relationship is what she will get. I had to focus on myself which is what I'm still doing for the most part.

She started doing the work and told me about this whole avoidant thing. Ive never even heard of avoidant attachment, but did it ever make sense. This whole time I thought we had the perfect relationship because she would never bring up any problems or needs, we barely ever fought! Actually that's one of the reasons I believed her when she told me she didnt cheat on me because I only thought cheating happened in relationships with lots of tension and fighting. Now being involved in these communities I know that is not true at all. I feel like Im in crazy land. Double life? Compartmentalization? Catastrophizing? Negative sentiment override? Apparently she resented me, she told me she actually expected me to read her mind. She was completely delusional. She made up all these stories in her head to justify her shitty choices. I dont even give her "reasons" any thought because its honestly just non sense. I decided to try to reconcile for my son at least.

Anyway Ill try to wrap this all up. Things are going a lot better than some other stories I hear online. But its not perfect. She takes full accountability. She knows she has an avoidant problem, shes working on it daily. Shes become the ideal housewife. Cleaning, cooking, folding my laundry, foot massages. She's letting go of all the resentment, the delusions, the lies. She checks in multiple times daily. The communication was rocky at first but she's been engaged/initiating conversation way more often now. Giving me appreciation. She's very determined for this to work.

BUT. I'm terrified. Im terrified this will not last, that its all performative, that she will get comfortable and revert to her old avoidant ways. I get freaked out just thinking about it. In fact I read a story of this happening to someone else. We've always wanted? to live on a farmhouse, with kids, a simple life. Ive worked towards that. Building an online business from the ground up, buying all our furniture, paying our bills, saving money, moving us to another province, carrying this relationship, while she completely destroyed it behind the scenes for cheap validation with some loser. And the guy is a COMPLETE LOSER. Pisses me off even more honestly. Our intimacy has fallen because I cant even let her touch me most days.

I want to at least try for my boy. He doesnt deserve any of this. If it wasnt for him I would have booted her to the curb. I just dont know what is real anymore. Realistically marriage seems crazy at this point. Has anyone still ended up getting married after a situation like this? Ive become content with the idea of leaving this relationship if I have to or even just co-parenting. I just feel for my boy man. Anyway, any advice is welcome. Sorry to everyone who has to go through this agony.

Me, I did get married after.

Wat I could say the most reasonable is: leave her.

Leaver her. Forget she ever existed. Never look back.
Forget her name, any memories, live a fulfilling and happy life with a woman that deserves it.

That is the right thing to do.
Now you have feelings, and another person that you want to fight for so you feel not leaving is best.

Only if she is ready to crawl over broken glass, do the work and realize the horrors of what she did, then maybe, you might consider.

After you heal from your wounds as well.
But is rare, the cheater needs to feel this impulse themselves and it's a radical change. Do not observe performance, feel the changes in behavior, observe patterns, feel your gut.

Give yourself some timeline to observe, then you will decide what next.
Always put yourself first, thi abuse will crush you if you don't. and if she doesn't change, she will not care in the least.

CN,

So sorry you’re here. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. I just posted some suggestions on ShockedShattered’s thread, and some of those may apply to you.

On your situation, based on what you wrote it’s hard to imagine anyone’s going to recommend that you marry her. She cheated for, what 1/3rd of your relationship, maybe 40%? With multiple people. Dating is usually thought of a test-run for marriage…she definitely failed that test.

Is she in therapy? Or is she just trying to be better on her own?

I was confused a bit by the timeline. When did her LTA end? Do you know how it ended? I guess what I’m saying is, you probably ought to get a DNA test on your son to make sure he’s biologically yours. It looks like the sequence of events indicates that he’s yours genetically, but it’s hard to tell and it’s important. Not that it would change the fact that he is your son, but it’s important to know for lots of reasons but at a minimum for his health. Doctors routinely ask you about your parent’s medical history because it’s important medical information. Knowing, for example, that there’s a history of [heart disease] or whatever in your family could be the difference between finding a problem soon enough to manage it or not.

I’d be concerned that it took her a year to accept your proposal, and that after 3 years you still hadn’t gotten married. I’d be more than concerned that she had a child with you under false pretenses. Looks kind of like a baby trap. She has the A, decides you’re the better option (or gets dumped), says yes and quickly gets pregnant before telling you a couple of years later? Maybe she’s not that calculating and sinister, but I’d be suspicious as hell.

Look, you said you want to try to R, and clearly your WGF wants to…those are prerequisites for any R. My only advice is don’t have any more kids until you are sure you want to be with her forever. They say recovery takes 2-5 years, you’ll have to decide that ‘opportunity cost’ is worth it.

Friend,

Few things. First, so very sorry, what you experienced is one of worst things a human can experience.

Next, please consider DNA testing your son, even if you are very confident he is yours. This will wake her up even more. Plus, who knows. Better to find out now than some day if he does one of those Family DNA tests. Trust me...it happens.

Next, get the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald and both of you read it.

Next, go to YouTube and search Jake Porter and start watching his content. It really helps explain the science behind the devestation.

Next, make sure whoever these affair partners were ...that their spouses are notified. Do not tell her you are doing that. It is the right thing to do. It will also show her you have agency. And that this will not go unanswered. It will show strength. And it also shows integrity.

If you do get therapy ....and please hear me....make certain the person is a trained Betrayal Trauma Specialist. You can find these people online. My therapist was only virtual and it worked wonderfully. But you must make sure you don't go to tona traditional therapist. They often do way more harm than good.

Next, seek God like never before. I prayed through the Psalms, looking for the character of God. He showed up and helped me survive.

Talk much here. You need this ..it is like group therapy.

🙏

Thanks for your concern guys. I did DNA test my baby right away. He even looks like me but yeah I wasn't messing around with that. The affair ended in oct. 2022. It was one of her bandmates and she left the band shortly after so it lines up. She cut him off permanently after that, she wasn't going to anymore "band practices" so... I also told OBS. But yeah pretty much 40% of our relationship was her cheating. And really like 75% of it a lie. What a bummer. My entire 20s gone to a cheater.

I delayed the proposal because I didn't think we were ready. If I was back then who I am today I would have proposed right away. But we weren't religious so marriage wasn't a BIG deal for us. I've heard women may be more likely to cheat if you are not married but I think she would have cheated on me either way. She's got MAJOR problems. She is in therapy.

She for sure stopped the affair on her own accord because she showed me messages he had sent her after and he was not happy about it.

As for the baby, I ejaculated in her. I made that decision. She didn't force me to. It was one of the only times I did, we mostly used "methods" to prevent that. But this one time I chose to. She bugged me the next day to get plan B and I told her dont worry about it, that she probably wouldn't end up pregnant anyway. Well she did. I have to take responsibility for that on some level. I will never regret my son just because of her terrible actions.

We've read How to Help Your Spouse. She's read it a few times. I will check Jake Porter out thanks.

I can't leave right now. But I finally feel mentally/emotionally able to leave this relationship if I have to and she is very well aware of that.