crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, January 7th, 2025
In my case the shocking personality change was the real him. I had glimpses of it Pre-A, but he was a monster during the A and post A. My XWS's mask had slipped and I never was able to see the "good side" of him again.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
Survivor1412 (original poster new member #85628) posted at 5:46 AM on Wednesday, January 8th, 2025
He was vain, arrogant, childish, spoiled self centered and the most confident I had ever seen him.
In hindsight, he was a classic affair dude. Then when I found out, that version appeared again- the arrogance and cruelty was his childish way of dealing with the feeling that he was a horrible person who had done a horrible thing.And been found out! At the time, he absolutely was horrible. I won't sugarcoat that. He was a horrible person.
Yes my WH is the same! He is usually a timid person who is socially awkward and lacks confidence, but the A changed him completely, he is now overly confident, self-absorbed, and borderline narcissistic. I think he got a huge ego boost from his AP, who is desperate, persistent and extremely flattering.
Survivor1412 (original poster new member #85628) posted at 6:14 AM on Wednesday, January 8th, 2025
Hi Hikingout:
To save the marriage you need to be willing to lose it. He needs to feel that loss, because whatever he thinks he has going on out there he deep down knows on some level it’s not right. But if he thinks he has room to keep his addictions and his security he will. He needs to know he is not in control.
I never did the pick-me dance but I did put SO MUCH work in trying to save the marriage. I did all that under the impression the A was over. I think he knew very well that I would not tolerate the A under any circumstance. In the end, he chose to leave although not without hesitation, he wanted to take things slow but I shoved him out as quickly as I could.
It's been less than a month and we have already finalized our financial agreement. I pushed really hard for it.
I no longer want to save my marriage because I'm not willing to endure any more emotional pain.
Now he can fully indulge himself in his "addiction", but I'm wondering whether it will still be as good since it's no longer an affair.
NoThanksForTheMemories ( member #83278) posted at 6:38 AM on Wednesday, January 8th, 2025
Good for you, Survivor! At some point you have to put your well-being ahead of the marriage. Maybe he'll come back to his senses one or maybe he won't. I've seen it go both ways. But you know what? It's not your problem! You don't have to worry about his feelings anymore. I hope you start to feel relief from the weight off your shoulders even as you mourn the loss.
WH had a 3 yr EA+PA from 2020-2022, and an EA 10 years ago (different AP). Dday1 Nov '22. Dday4 Sep '23. False R for 2.5 months. 30 years together.
