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Long story short, my WH recently left our marriage of nearly two decades for his AP of a few months. Our marriage wasn't without issues but overall a good one. We always enjoyed each other's company and was caring and supportive for each other. Our life was comfortable and stress free. We did almost everything together and we had a vision for our future. We are in our early 40s.

He came from a trauma background of childhood abuse, and I grew up loved and valued. I was the nurturing one in the relationship and an emotional anchor for him over the years. Given what he experienced as a child, he had done well for himself, no drug and alcohol, no mental health issues, and stable employment. He wasn't good at providing emotional support, however, he would always show concern and distress whenever I was upset, especially when I was upset with him.

Then the affair happened, and he changed into a different person, not so much during the affair but after D-Day. He initially showed remorse and asked for a second chance, so we started therapy, and this was when I started seeing some really disturbing traits. He became cunning and manipulative, he told so many lies while swearing he wasn't lying, and he gaslighted me for being "paranoid", not trusting him and not willing to move on while he continued to engage with the AP. The most heartbreaking part was that he was indifferent to my pain. He showed very little concern for what I was going through.

His original character did return after I told him I wanted a separation, he broke up with his AP and he seemed to have gained clarity and insight. He was saying all the right things, and he was affectionate and caring again.

Just when I thought we were making progress, one day he suddenly announced that he was moving out. What shocked me wasn't the decision itself, but the way he delivered it. He had nothing but excitement in his eyes. I had chills down my spine and in that moment, I thought I saw a psychopath. He firmly denied that he rekindled with his AP, claiming he decided to do so because it would allow me to have a fresh start and be freed from the damage he'd done to our marriage. Only with my persistence did he eventually tell the truth, again, without any distress, but rather like a naughty child who was caught with a harmless mischief. I put him in an Airbnb the next day because I simply could not cope with his behavior any longer.

The level of indifference and apathy got worse in the next few days. I was broken and paralyzed by pain while he started the process of moving out. He offered me no support. Zero. He was too busy telling me how bad the condition of the Airbnb was and how stressful it was to organize the move. I was utterly shocked. I remember one day he came back for his belongings, and by this stage, I had already lost 10kgs (since D-day) and hadn't slept for days, all he talked about was how his new TV unit didn't fit the size of the TV. He wasn't even a normal human anymore.

Ironically while his behaviour showed zero care factor, he sent me multiple texts telling me how much he loved and cared about me, how perfect I was, how appreciative he was, how good our life was and how he never "intended" for this to happen and continued doing so until this day. I never received an explanation for the sudden death of our marriage, other than he felt he was "changed" and now a different person.

I asked myself what happened. Did I miss something from the start, or the affair damaged his personality? He went from a good husband to a reckless, selfish and apathetic lunatic within weeks. All our friends were equally shocked, no one could comprehend what happened and a few didn't even believe me when I told them.

It might be worth mentioning that the life he chose with the AP was completely opposite of what we had. Without giving out too many details, it is a life with foreseeable stress, conflicts and financial strain. And his AP is completely opposite of me: weak morals, manipulative, intense and has low self-esteem.

I would like to hear other's opinions on this. I don't rely on an answer from him for my closure and healing (as I know he may not even have one), but rather curious if someone else has witnessed this type of drastic change. Is this MLC, him showing his true colors under stress, or is childhood trauma resurfacing?

Yep, same. My XWS was a total Jekyll/Hyde. After DDAY and before we split for good, he behaved like yours, right down to announcing he was leaving. Said he just needed ‘space’ but he reconnected with AP. It’s like an alien implanted something in their brains. And they believe their own bullsh*t.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there - you will heal.

Are you in IC for yourself?

Hi BearlyBreathing,

I'm about to start IC in two weeks, not soon enough, but I have survived the first 2 weeks of hell.
Yeah my WH also used the phrase "space" among other nonsense such as "self-discovery" and "regaining independence", right before I discovered the affair and on his last day at home. He tried relentlessly to cover the truth and didn't even see the obvious holes in his story.

Sometimes I wonder if people capable of this can ever find happiness within themselves, let alone make someone else happy. There's something seriously wrong with them.

Can you say more about 'putting him an airBnB'? On one hand, that looks potentially like co-dependence - taking care of him when it was probably healthier to let him find his own digs. OTOH, it looks like you left him to organiza his own move, which looks like exactly the right thing to do. I guess I'm asking: Did you put him in the airbnb primarily to help you or to help him?

One hypothesis for your H's behavior is that he knows he effed up, and he now believes he is totally unfit to be your partner. He feels awful about that, so he's nasty to you, and he clings to ow as the type of person he deserves.

That doesn't help you. To R, a WS needs to have hope that they can redeem themself and change from cheater to good partner. Without that hope, it's best to let them go. I read you to say you are doing that.

It's not easy to let the person you love go. It's very painful. Just have some faith in yourself to heal and resolve in healthy manner to whatever happens.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this.

curious if someone else has witnessed this type of drastic change

My brother in law went through a very similar transformation with my sister. She would be distraught, he’d send her an email describing a nice bike ride he took. His family was like, WTF?

It’s like a dam bursting. I actually almost felt a bit sorry for my BIL for having lived a lie all those years, but he definitely messed with my sister’s head, so…f*** him.

I guess I'm asking: Did you put him in the airbnb primarily to help you or to help him?

To help myself. Because his idea was to separate under the same roof before he could find a rental, while continuing to engage with his AP. I booted him out for my emotional safety.

We all have masks that we wear. Our public one. The one for our friends. Sometimes even for our parents. The person we should never have a mask on for is our partner. Those people are scary because they can fool others for years. Your husband did not have a brain transplant. That personality was always there, just hidden. If people can jettison their SOs that easily they are not worth your time. A preacher’s sermon was about this very thing…if they leave, let them go. Open your hand and let them go. No person should harm you this way. It says way too much about his morals, or the lack of them. Let him go. There is too much to see and do to ask questions about a hologram.

Getting him out of the house to help yourself - great step toward healing, much better than in-house separation.

My sister had a similar personality change.

She was married with four daughters, ranging in age from about 3 to 9; let’s call her Sheila and her husband Rob. She began having a long term affair with a married man who had two sons. Let’s call him Larry.

Sheila and Rob seemed to be doing okay, and by all outward appearances the marriage was fine. Rob coached the daughters in softball and basketball, and they grew older.

Sheila began a flirtation with Larry when the oldest was about 9. I’m not sure when it became a full PA, but it did. By the time the 9 year old was about 17 (so 8 years later), Larry and Sheila were regularly seeing each other but nobody knew. Larry had a number of other women in his life, not including his wife. Sheila thought she was the most important OW of the flock.

Suddenly, Sheila decided to divorce Rob.

This came completely out of the blue. Rob and the daughters were blindsided. Sheila just threw Rob out one day when he came home from work, told him she was done being a wife. In fact, she didn’t really want to be a mom, was glad the oldest was moving out to get married…

It was crazy.

Rob moved in with my brother because he had nowhere to go. The oldest daughter took in the youngest daughter, as she was left out in the cold because Sheila blatantly said she just didn’t want to deal with having to do this mom stuff anymore. So the oldest daughter, as she just turned 18, just got married, and was pregnant, became a mom to her youngest sibling.

Sheila called the bank and defaulted on the house, and sent the other two daughters to live with the grandparents, while their dad Rob worked to figure out how to put the pieces back together from Sheila’s bombs - which turned out to be that she had financially been giving "loans" to Larry, having a long term affair with him, stealing money from her employer and got fired for it, among other things.

Sheila’s grand plan was to marry Larry.

Larry didn’t divorce his wife for years. Sheila ended up broke and alone.

Sheila’s mask. I rest my case.

This is almost exactly what I experienced. That sort of mindset and behavior in the WS used to be called "the fog", but that term seems to have fallen out of favor.

Here's an SI article about it: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-fog/

I thought my H was having a MLC, too. I even consulted MLC forums, and they all said "Girl, he's having an affair." I didn't believe them. I was in deep denial.

Towards the end of the A, right before H confessed, he'd swing wildly back and forth between "I want a divorce; I love you but I'm not in love with you" and the next day, "You're the love of my life; we can fix this." In hindsight, the positive swings happened on the weekends when he was with me, or right after MC, and then the negative swings were during the workweek when he saw the AP daily and was being pulled in her direction. It was crazymaking, especially because I didn't know he was having an affair. I couldn't figure out what was going on.

After he confessed, we separated because he refused to end the A. I was like you: I couldn't stand the thought of him witnessing my pain while he was still carryin' on with the AP, so I asked him to move out. He moved to his mother's and was still all over the place. Still back and forth with wanting to be with me and then not wanting to be with me. Once he decided to end the A, the crazy behavior stopped. He was no longer tormented about what to do. He had picked a direction. It took a while for him to detox completely. He held a sort of wistful view of the AP for about a year, which was maddening.

This is not an anomaly. It's pretty common behavior for a tormented WS. I think he's trying to talk himself into his decision, but he hasn't yet succeeded.

After he confessed, we separated because he refused to end the A. I was like you: I couldn't stand the thought of him witnessing my pain while he was still carryin' on with the AP, so I asked him to move out. He moved to his mother's and was still all over the place. Still back and forth with wanting to be with me and then not wanting to be with me. Once he decided to end the A, the crazy behavior stopped. He was no longer tormented about what to do. He had picked a direction. It took a while for him to detox completely. He held a sort of wistful view of the AP for about a year, which was maddening.

This was very similar to my experience, but he relapsed after he decided to stay with me, it was almost like an addiction to him. After he moved out he remained conflicted for a while, asking if I truly wanted a separation. I simply cannot go on any longer, I know I probably could have convinced him to stay, but it would be like having a ticking timebomb at home. I'd rather end things and move on than keep a marriage heavily tainted by the A.

My wife sounded just like this after D day.She left within weeks and moved in with posom didn’t want to be a wife and not to mention we have a daughter that was 14 at the time . I was totally blindsided when I found out about the affair ,shocked,confused this was happening while she was in a mindset that this was the new normal all the while she had already started to devalue me to the point where I was just a person who she knew.Her change in character was classic as all you described,not knowing who this person was that I spent 37 years of my life with and married which would have been 25 .All in all we had what most people would say a solid relationship with each other,did everything together as a couple and family.Only thing she did other than her job was spin class and that’s where she met the little fuck .At the moment I’m going through divorce and I’m taking care of my daughter who just turned 16 .

Towards the end of the A, right before H confessed, he'd swing wildly back and forth between "I want a divorce; I love you but I'm not in love with you" and the next day, "You're the love of my life; we can fix this." In hindsight, the positive swings happened on the weekends when he was with me, or right after MC, and then the negative swings were during the workweek when he saw the AP daily and was being pulled in her direction. It was crazymaking, especially because I didn't know he was having an affair. I couldn't figure out what was going on.

My H was EXACTLY like this during his mid life crisis affair. And yes, he was planning to D me too.

At one point I thought he started taking drugs b/c his behavior was so out of character for him. He was mean and nasty and lying etc. and blamed me for everything.

How we reconciled is sheer luck, the grace of God and his being able to turn this around in his own. I offered no support or help to him during R. He either changed my mind from wanting a D on his own or I was D him. We are very happily reconciled and he has changed some things (including his outlook in life) and realizes HE was unhappy with himself, not me.

I hope this helps you.

My H was EXACTLY like this during his mid life crisis affair. And yes, he was planning to D me too.

At one point I thought he started taking drugs b/c his behavior was so out of character for him. He was mean and nasty and lying etc. and blamed me for everything.

How we reconciled is sheer luck, the grace of God and his being able to turn this around in his own. I offered no support or help to him during R. He either changed my mind from wanting a D on his own or I was D him. We are very happily reconciled and he has changed some things (including his outlook in life) and realizes HE was unhappy with himself, not me.

I hope this helps you.

Mine has always maintained, and still maintains, that he isn't unhappy with me and loves me dearly (laughable, I know), but he isn't happy with life. He did describe the affair as a drug to him and he cannot stop. I think he has one of those brains that is susceptible to an addiction; he is now a heavy smoker too, and he never smoked during our 19 years together.

My wife sounded just like this after D day.She left within weeks and moved in with posom didn’t want to be a wife and not to mention we have a daughter that was 14 at the time . I was totally blindsided when I found out about the affair ,shocked,confused this was happening while she was in a mindset that this was the new normal all the while she had already started to devalue me to the point where I was just a person who she knew.Her change in character was classic as all you described,not knowing who this person was that I spent 37 years of my life with and married which would have been 25 .All in all we had what most people would say a solid relationship with each other,did everything together as a couple and family.Only thing she did other than her job was spin class and that’s where she met the little fuck .At the moment I’m going through divorce and I’m taking care of my daughter who just turned 16 .

It's heartbreaking I know. They rewrite the whole history without you knowing. My husband was telling me that we "had nothing in common, we were just friends and we grew apart", he retracted these during R and NC but as soon as his AP reached out, he started all this nonsense again. I think the WS who successfully reconciled with their BS had to have the emotional intelligence to reflect on their behavior and the willingness to work on their issues, but unfortunately, mine wasn't one of those.

I was massively different in my affair and during the aftermath. I became addicted to the affair feelings despite knowing there was no future there with the AP. I knew logically my husband was a far better man in many different ways and that he was a true thing. But the cognitive dissonance/addiction to the affair feelings combined with the shame I felt kept me in a place where escapism was an easier choice for me. I am normally loving, flexible, empathetic, easy going, put my family members first, etc. in the affair I was an insecure, vain selfish version of myself. And the only thing I was ever focused on was my next "hit" of dopamine from the affair. I couldn’t think through things and I was highly ruled by my emotions, which is also the opposite of who I am. Also the AP was a very inappropriate choice, he was old enough to be my father and generally didn’t treat me all that well. I look back and think how batshit crazy I was, but it was all to avoid being "the villain" in my story. The shit I would say was often insensitive, and the way I treated my husband was a complete 180 to my normal watly if treating him. Read articles by frank Pittman about romantic infidelity- the behavior is so predictable it could be scripted.

I don’t know if he will snap out if it but it took me longer than it should have.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:18 PM, Monday, January 6th]

I don’t know if he will snap out if it but it took me longer than it should have.

Thank you for the recommended read, yeah I think it describes my WH quite well.

High long did it take you and what was the turning point?

I don’t think there was a dramatic turning point. Staying NC and working on getting my dopamine to better levels through diet, exercise, spending time in nature, therapy, etc. I was pretty up and down a good six months. For me I see this as a time I was going through withdrawal, and kind of in-brainwashing myself. A ws does a lot of things during an affair that confuses them- rewriting marital history, projecting things into the AP that simply isn’t there, the justifications due to their own cognitive dissonance are strong and it takes time to unwind that and see that so much you make yourself believe isn’t even true.

However, if I may give you some other advice here- you can’t control what he does, only your reaction to it. I know you are disoriented and you know this isn’t your husband’s true self. I believe that is true, affairs make people act very crazy.

However, if I were you I would look at protecting yourself. The sooner you can try and be there for yourself and not self abandon in a bid for him to choose you, the better. "Pick me" doesn’t work, nixing him back only makes him feel like he is in control. That is not what you want to lend credibility to.

What works is reality. The sooner he can see the reality is you are strong, you aren’t going to put up with his shit, and you start detaching and demanding more, the less he will feel the freedom to choose.

I am not advocating for you to be fake or manipulative. But I am advocating for you to see you are stronger than you know and focusing on yourself will limit the trauma. If you ride these waves with him while he is being insane, it will drive you insane too.

To save the marriage you need to be willing to lose it. He needs to feel that loss, because whatever he thinks he has going on out there he deep down knows on some level it’s not right. But if he thinks he has room to keep his addictions and his security he will. He needs to know he is not in control.

I think this was the best thing my husband did to throw some water on me. It also may not bring him back, but I am not advocating for you to be focused on him, put on your oxygen mask and take care of you right now. He is doing what he wants to do, he is not taking care of you. You must find ways to try and keep yourself from being subjected from some of the fray here.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:31 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]

What you are describing is exactly how my H was during his affair and after he came home (he had left for "space" I would not learn of the affair for 2 more years) and after I found out. He was the polar opposite of who he had always been.

I thought he was on drugs, maybe had addiction to something else-gambling, spending, prostitutes... (remember, this is the time before I knew about the affair). He clung to the midlife crisis/depression label. We spent thousands of dollars on counseling at this time and the counselor and I asked if he was having an affair and he stuck to his guns.

He was vain, arrogant, childish, spoiled self centered and the most confident I had ever seen him.

In hindsight, he was a classic affair dude. Then when I found out, that version appeared again- the arrogance and cruelty was his childish way of dealing with the feeling that he was a horrible person who had done a horrible thing.And been found out! At the time, he absolutely was horrible. I won't sugarcoat that. He was a horrible person.

I also worried if this puffed up teenager was who he had always been and the mask just came off. We are in reconciliation, and now, I think the kind version is who he is. But the long glimpse of this other version...I won't sweep it under the rug. It's in there somewhere and I hope to never see it again. But I am on the lookout. And always will be. I'm choosing to R and am taking the tough parts with the good parts.

He does not display those qualities anymore. So in theory, yes, the "real" version can come back.

[This message edited by ReconBrave24 at 5:07 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]