SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Happy New Year, SI.

Something hit my heart and mind the last couple days as I’ve been reading, posting, and thinking. Heartbreakingly, I’ve observed that some people get deeply stuck post betrayal. There is absolutely zero judgment for anyone in that statement, my heart breaks for anyone who would see themselves in that and I want better for you. I personally developed a significant fear of getting stuck by reading here at SI, and that fear was actually quite helpful to me in facing my fears of divorce and abandonment. In my opinion, getting stuck in the turmoil of betrayal for the long term is the worst possible outcome.

I don’t feel stuck. I hesitate to say it, but I dare to even say that I feel pretty deeply healed. Again, this is not a brag or a judgment against anyone else, it’s merely a self observation and it’s something that I want for everyone. To heal, to move on, to stop being tormented by the A. I am so so so grateful to this community for the enormous role it played in my journey here.

I have thoughts about what the key ingredients were to my healing. But I believe that even I don’t perfectly understand my own story. As Brené Brown says, I have the story I tell myself. And with the goal of helping "unstuck" even one soul, I want to share that.

But even more importantly, I’d like to invite everyone here to either

1) tell the story you tell yourself of what allowed you to move forward and heal

Or

2) what do you think is keeping you stuck and what might you be able to do to take a step toward healing and joy?

The story I tell myself about my own healing is that I faced all my fears and voiced even the scariest emotions and thoughts. It took time, many of you watched it happen in real time. There were words and thoughts that were too terrifying to acknowledge for a while. I wanted my family to survive. I loved my wife and clung to the plans and dreams I had with her. I wanted to protect my children. But those good desires also acted as motives to suppress the plain agonizing realities of the betrayal. And I was fucking good at it. But over time, I stopped. I surrendered the outcome of the marriage and refused to compromise on my own healing. I don’t think that had to mean divorce. My STBXW’s ongoing behaviors forced D once I stood my ground. But as I understand my own story, I had to prioritize myself above the marriage in order to heal.

Heartbreakingly, I’ve observed that some people get deeply stuck post betrayal.

Any thoughts on the breakdown of such "stuck" people, as they fall into the D or R camp? I can think of a ton of cases where those who (forced?) R now find themselves stuck years later. Some played pick-me and now recognize it, and feel shame for compromising their standards to R. Some marched forward with R thinking their betrayer would change, and then they recognize changes have not been sufficient, but think D years later would be a failure on them, so they remain stuck. Or they’re sucking up a continuing bad marriage "for the kids" or finances or some other reason. But they’re still in the M.

I can only think of one instance where a BW came back here years later, after D, and is still filled with bitterness and resentment. Not sure if that qualifies as "stuck" since the marriage is long over, and hopefully the bitterness emerges rarely surfaces.

Appreciate your thinking Ink.

Gr8ful, I will engage with that question in a little while. But I want to clarify that I don’t intend this thread to become a referendum between the merits of R and D. There are happy people in both categories. I want people to tell their stories. Would you be willing to tell yours?

I was one of those BS’s that was stuck. I knew I didn’t want to be married to my xWS anymore for YEARS it came at my expense and my kids. I did them a great disservice by showing them a marriage filled with arguments and a lack of respect. I was terrified to break up my family but eventually faced my fears. As my kids got older and I was approaching the empty nest I knew I could not spend my last years on this earth with my xWS. I didn’t want to be miserable anymore and I finally left. Being on the other side now I realize it was me and my fears holding me back from the best decision I have ever made in my life.

The biggest part of my healing was realizing the only thing I did was love my family.

It took a long time to get to that conclusion, a few years in my case.

At the end of the day I truly understood, infidelity wasn't a rejection of me, even though it felt that way for a long time.

No one spouse can ever cause another spouse to cheat.

I realized, like everyone else on the planet, we can all be a better version of ourselves and I focused on that.

I'm a good person.

I'm a great father. Ask my sons. They'll also be able to tell you my flaws, but they always knew and know, I have their back. I think that's a key for any kid to grow up and tackle the world, it's better when you have a parent or two who will be there as needed.

I remembered I was pretty darned cool. Basically, focused on all of the positive impacts I had in my work, with my family and friends.

It is all part of understanding our value.

We held our vows.

We loved our family to the best of our ability with, as it often seems, a limited amount of information about the status of our relationships.

I ended up going for R, but the one of keys to that success was letting go of the outcome. I had to get healed enough to regain my swagger and know I am awesome with or without being in a relationship.

Self knowledge, self love have become bumper stickers in the modern age, but I can't put enough emphasis on how much it helped me to get beyond being stuck in the pain loop, in the depression loop and the sleep deprivation mode.

If I know I'm good regardless of my situation, it sure helps to tackle the tougher days. Life is still rough out there, it's a cold world and not a lot of friendly faces -- so not all puppy dog tails and rainbows.

I understand I have way, way more strength than I thought, and that strength is there any time I need it.

A lot of folks here show that strength all the time. It doesn't always seem like it, but we read it here all the time. Situations that make my nightmare look dreamy, and people get up, go to work, feed their kids -- that's strength -- even if they haven't fully healed yet.

Fear is a huge deal. I get it. It's a big part of the human experience, but again, that strength, the focus on self goes a long, long way to overcoming fear.

What helped me move forward and away from the pain and trauma was this:

Every second I was unhappy, sad, angry, etc. gave the affair another piece of my life that allowed the affair and cheaters to "win". The affair took time and energy that I could have used on something positive but instead kept me obsessing about the affair and reliving the past.

It took me 3 years from dday2 to decide to do something different and stop letting the affair rule my life.

And that decision to be positive and move forward was a game changer for me.

Happy New Year!

i am not sure that it is a one and done -- this is what helped me move forward and heal. What helped early on is different than what helped mid-flight and those are both different than what helps me where i am at now. i am positive that applies to the future too. Are you seeing some particular 'stucknesses' that you are referring to?

Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance) says that being stuck is the most commonest of human conditions. Being a BS is a multitude of 'stuck' places with no quick way out. i am stuck often. Sometimes it can still be about the infidelity. i work through them as i can. Sometimes needing to set items down as there are parts of me that are still too broken and tender.

The Chautauqua on suggestions to getting un-stuck is Chapters 24 through 26 inclusive (warning it is not a step by step guide which is something i think many of us would like).

I feel unstuck and that is lovely. Although the post-traumatic symptoms related to my husband’s cheating have only really fallen away in the last six months, I feel greatly healed and looking forward to a better 2025.

I found out 2.5 years ago that the betrayal 9 years ago with my WH’s overly friendly secretary was actually physical cheating for several months.

For me the key to moving forward has been an unwavering insistence that my WH step up to the plate and engage in exhaustive discussions of what he did, why he did it, what it means, how he can improve and how he can best support me in my healing. I honestly am shocked that he has been able to stick with it. There were moments when he seemed to almost falter (a year ago, briefly over the summer, etc). I truly don’t blame him - it has been exhausting for both of us and our physical and mental health was affected. But now we are on the mend.

We are enjoying our shared interests, cooking, time with our three kids, a new puppy, literature, art, sex, exercise, long walks, feeding our neighbor’s horses with apples, gardening, dinners with friends, our professional work. It seems we have some equilibrium again.

I don’t think my WH is a saint. He has flaws, so do I. He is fully accountable that what he did was a « him » problem. We were distant at the time, sex was exceedingly rare, we weren’t always nice to each other, we put other people and work ahead of our marriage. But, he is well aware that there is no excuse for his behavior. He doesn’t waver on this anymore.

I feel there has been some justice as the woman who came on to him lost her employment twice due to her actions. She is utterly without remorse for pursuing the father of three young children. She was hateful and spiteful while she stabbed me in the back. I remain appalled that my husband participated in the cruel behavior.

It is hard to set aside that with the exception of two months of utter lunacy, this man has devoted thirty years to caring for me in every possible way. He cooks, he cleans, he works, he gives back rubs, he is devoted to our kids, he is expressive about his attraction to me. He writes the sweetest cards. At this point he will talk as often as I find necessary about the past. It is finally becoming less frequent. He has accepted the boundary changes I requested and now after 2.5 years he is almost 100% consistent. (For example, given the nature of the cheating, I’m not too fond of overly friendly support staff—I dont expect him to be ungracious but he does not ever use any emojis with women other than his sister. I’m sure if he had good female friends I would need to make an exception but he does not, so it’s basically just coworkers we are talking about. Some of them just love the hearts. We used to have little crises around whether to reply if someone texted too late, that kind of thing. But now it seems the boundaries are internalized and maybe even recognized at work b/c it seems ppl keep their distance more. Its a work in progress I guess)

I agree with everything Ink said. The real reason I am healed is really between me and me. If my WH were not able to walk the walk it would be over. I followed the advice on SI, and every book I read, that I had to rebuild myself. It started as pick me but eventually it was me picking me. I took on n ew interests, got a trainer, learned a new language, found new friends, strengthened my old friendships, found a new better job, got closer to my kids, repaired my relationship with my mother. Prioritizing myself was absolutely necessary to healing. Anything my WH did was secondary.

Infidelity will never ever sit easy with me. My grandfather cheated on my GM and my father cheated on my mother. I had major trauma when my dad left to go live with the OW on my birthday when I was 13. I hated cheaters and my WS chose to become one. That’s on him. I am sure I will be mulling it over in my head at times when I am 75 (god willing). But we’re okay. It looks like we might make it.

I am about a year and a half out from D-Day so still have a ways to go in healing but I thought I would share my thoughts thus far.

When this all began and I chose to stay but felt 'stuck'. I chose to stay mainly because I did not want to not see my youngest son (he was a week out turning 6) on a daily basis and because my eldest son really looks up to his step dad (my WH) and did not want him to have to see or go through another divorce in his life.

After being on SI for a while, I read a lot of useful posts with regards to regaining power over my own life and focusing on what I can do for myself. For me, that was changing my mind set when it came to feeling 'stuck'. So I worked out what my choices were exactly and what outcomes would come from that. So I chose to stay. I chose to forgive and give my WH a second chance due to the above factors but also because my WH has done and is continuing to do the work of a remorseful spouse. I also still loved my husband very much (even though I can feel like I hate him at times).

My therapist also helped me with this early on. When we discussed this she recommended just treating my WH as a friend and see where it progressed from there. I found by not putting any pressure on myself to be a 'wife' was immensely helpful even though we were still living together. Another thing I have done is created a plan for if I ever do change my mind or find something else out that makes R not possible. I am financially secure, have a co-parenting plan with regards to care arrangements and my eldest son is now much more independent and has a plan for life when he finished high school at the end of this year.

At the end of the day the way I have felt 'unstuck' is by taking back my power. I have done that by working on my mental health strength, realising and accepting I cannot control the actions of others but only control the way I react to situations and knowing I my children and I will be fine regardless of my marital status. I don't feel strong every day but there are definitely a lot more good than bad days. The A doesn't come up much anymore and we are working consistently on our marriage with open communication.

I feel unstuck and that is lovely. Although the post-traumatic symptoms related to my husband’s cheating have only really fallen away in the last six months, I feel greatly healed and looking forward to a better 2025.

I’m just going to break in here to say that I am literally crying, I’m so happy to hear this! We shared some dark days, didn’t we friend?

These stories are wonderful everyone, let’s keep going. And they don’t all have to be perfect success stories. It would be meaningful to me if anyone wanted to post for the first time and put to words what is keeping them stuck.

To health and healing in 2025!

My healing journey has ebbed and flowed between my ws journey and my bs journey, making it long and sometimes it swallowed me whole keeping me stuck for periods of time.

Other times, the dark intermixed with moments of clarity, exhaustion from struggle dictated rest, sometimes elation came from realizing true change or recognition of something I could finally put down. All the struggle eventually culminating in knowing myself more deeply, and in turn allowing me to illuminate who I am to others or recognizing things in others as I know them about myself. But the struggle has been long and deep even though I don’t think I stayed stuck in any given thing for an overly long time. Probably the longest hardest things for me where I think I was most stuck was that first year or two after my affair and then his. I think that it’s so hard and disorienting because you have to go through the big emotions in your processing.

I have spoken a lot about the book by Eckhardt Tolle called "The Power of Now" and for me this has been my roadmap of healing. It’s not a quick or easy read and it’s something I come back to over and over because the knowledge he gives in this book expands over time. To see one thing leads to seeing another, that recognition leads to the mindfulness of unraveling the narration always playing out in my head. Knowing that narration is a result of my conditioning and not truth. Knowing that I am letting that narration control me.

It has allowed a shift of perspective that I (and every human being) tells themselves narratives that likely aren’t true or even helpful. And we let that dictate our feelings, actions, and control us in ways that may or more often may not be helpful.

When we can tap into our true self, the one that can observe all that human thought mess without judgment we can expand past it and reach for the clarity of our own truth. Through that process we can begin to love and accept our human nature rather than be ruled by it. And through this process we realize how divinely loved we are, how divinely our soul loves us and that we all have a part of ourselves that is part of the spiritual realm which connects us all and connects us to source energy. For many of us source is God but to others source is the collective energy of all of us. It doesn’t matter what you call it, it unites us, makes us whole, and takes our knowledge of our own human fallibility and unites us in compassion for that in others.

And to boil that down, it has brought me peace knowing that we are all always doing the best we can. Sometimes our best is this amazing accomplishment or finding our way to shine. Sometimes our best is destructive due to our self blindness. But when you start operating this way- your need to control any of it dissipates. A lot of our pain comes from not being able to control, whereas all our peace comes in acceptance. We realize that most human action comes from this place of unawareness of being led by these nonsensical narratives that come from only our past experiences.

And as I have tapped into all of that, I found the ability to protect my peace. Protect my needs. As I learned to do that, I learned to love by wanting to protect the peace of others. Because what we value for ourselves will be valued for thise we share our life with. It’s transformed every relationship I have because it puts down the need to control, manipulate, and put down the need for the outcome to look a certain way.

It’s in many ways a battle between ego and spirit. Ego is not a bad thing it’s the part of us that was given for our survival. It’s the part that scans for danger, protects us. But it interferes greatly with our healing.

Now that was a lot of density so if you got that far and don’t think I am completely mad- I went into that in order to get somewhere. When we recognize that divinity in ourselves, we begin to see past the narratives that limit us from having our best life. We begin to tell ourselves new stories. Knowing the divine love that is freely there for me gives me freedom to accept where I am in my journey at any moment.

What I began to see is my human form is a woman who has been ruled by shame from a very young age. And inherent belief of my own unworthiness meant I spent time chasing it and also running away from it. Often abandoning myself to seek it externally. Giving the power of others to dictate my worth. My boss thinks I am an idiot, I must be an idiot. My spouse doesn’t treat me as I want, it is because they see I am bad too. When I know that’s not really who I am, I am less susceptible to the negative self talk, allowing others to dictate my worth, and I can stay kind and loving to myself. This allows me now to also be that way towards others because even if their battle as different it’s also the same.

This meditation or awareness has allowed me to start recognizing when I am buying into the human narratives and frees me to look within for what it is I truly want. When you know those things, you can express them, you can protect them, and you do not need a justification, nor will it come from the places of lack. My mind is no longer a place of hell where I torture myself over the past or what might happen in the future. When I find myself in those battles I remember there is only now, this moment and in this moment none of these things are happening. In fact, if I nurture this moment joy can be found.

I am far from perfect at this. But I have learned to minimize my suffering by being that observer as often as I can. Allowing my soul to take the wheel and surrendering to that higher power, allowing me to focus on love, kindness and compassion. I must give these things to myself to have them for others.

What does this mean for infidelity? You can more deeply accept that this was not done for what you lack. This was done in the ws’s battle within themselves. It frees you to see that it’s not yours to take on. Instead, you operate from knowing your soul loves you and wants you to protect your peace. And protecting your peace comes from knowing what you want and taking away the lying narratives that make you feel badly about that.

Over time, life becomes more about protecting that well of love and peace inside of you from which everything else flows. Sometimes that means being patient as your ws is going through their own process . Sometimes it means taking action towards emancipating yourself from the situation. But when you are fully aligned with what it is you need and want, no longer based on the lying narrative but just out of pure love for yourself, then you can never stay stuck for long.

When I read here, I see the same narratives I battled . The ones that are very stuck on the long term are identified with their mind rather than their spirit. They are in the chase for the external validation, they are buying into their worth being tied to the thoughts of their spouse. It’s so human of us to look for that but as long as that power is given to the other person you relinquish yourself of your own power.

I believe some people stay far too long waiting for their spouse to see the light so they can be redeemed in it. Where as what really needs to happen is you learn to give it to yourself and if they can’t get there letting them go will be natural rather than a struggle.

If they do the work too you will know it because you know it in yourself. You trust what you have gone through, making it possible to accept what you are seeing in them. I think people who truly reconcile this is the how and why. Reservations that remain are actually clues towards what is left to heal in yourself.

It comes back to me in the lyrics of an eagles song:

So often times it happens we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key.

My advice to all who find themselves stuck is to relentlessly pursue yourself. Realize that the pain you feel is chasing that other people think- your clueless ws, the well meaning people who think they understand but have not walked through the fire your are in. Thinking you can control anything outside of you will always be a dead end.

For those who find themselves here- the past is devastating, the future is scary, but you always have shelter in any given moment be being present and loving with yourself. Become the observer and not the thinker.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:55 PM, Thursday, January 2nd]

Lately, I have also noticed a number of posts with people seemingly being "stuck" in the throes of infidelity. I made a similar post regarding this a few weeks back (the 2-5 year "healing" rule) and received some helpful insights.

Being stuck or feeling stuck is probably one of the most daunting challenges that I have experienced while trying to navigate through infidelity. In the initial stages of discovery, I was literally just going through the motions and looking forward to the end of each day … knowing I was getting another day further away from uncertainty and another day closer to healing.

I’m approaching 15 months since my Dday and I think the biggest thing for me in helping me feel less stuck has been time, but more importantly, how my time is being spent. I learned rather quickly that my WH choices are 100% on him and are only a reflection of him, not me. I’m a good person and I chose a good, honest path in life for my family, as well as for myself.

I have definitely been stuck on the "unjustness"of having to take on my own personal responsibility for healing … having to "clean up" after someone else’s mess when they decided they were going to essentially shit all over you. I wondered why this was my responsibility to fix?! My WH is the fuck up … if he wants to fix this, then that’s on him to fix, not on me.

As I went through the stages of grieving, I realized that I actually didn’t want to hold my WH accountable for my healing … he’s already proven he cannot be trusted, nor does he have my best interest at heart. If I truly wanted to heal and recover, then it only made sense to take my life and happiness into my own (trusting) hands. I realize that we don’t always get a choice in life, but we can choose how we respond and that’s helped me immensely.

Regardless whether my M is a story of a successful R or ultimately ends up in D, I am a firm believer that all things, good and bad, happen for a reason. I saw a quote the other day and I want to make it my motto for 2025 … "You became who you needed in order to survive. Now it’s time to become who you need to become in order to thrive."

This post definitely resonated with me....

it's been 6 months since our D was finalised, and I still feel the pain and anger when I encounter friends and extended family who always assume *I* was the cheater, as exWW and I agreed to simply say the reason for the D was "infidelity".....

I am also hit with recurring mind movies now and then of what they got up to... while I was clueless.... thinking I had a chaste (dare I say frigid) wife....

I hope this stuckness will pass....

Happy New Year everyone!

For me the BIG REVALATION was when I realized that I could leave my infidelity-impacted relationship and end that part of my journey, but in the baggage I took along with me I took MYSELF and MY issues.
My story is in my profile, but condensed version is that I left my relationship on d-day. Wasn’t easy, took six months of serious depression and down-time, six more months of not really knowing why I got out of bed, a further six months of generally feeling sad and then maybe a year or so of feeling sort-of lost. I didn’t seek IC, no medication, no therapy. I just soldiered on.

I thought I was healed. This was all in my past. Then about 15-17 years after d-day I realized that some of my interactions in my present marriage weren’t "normal". Caused a major marital crisis that nearly cost me this marriage. Fortunately, I had the sense to seek help, initially because of what I thought were issues related to my LEO experiences. Turns out the major cause of my PTSD was due to the infidelity.
Really easy to fix. Not always the case with PTSD, but for me it was pretty straight-forward. Possibly due to the time since.

So what I have learned and am trying to pass on:
Irrespective of if you D or R then it’s YOU that is moving on. With or without your spouse but definitely still with your issues.
Infidelity is a major trauma, and you need to be aware that it’s going to impact and scar you no matter what. Don’t think for a minute that just because you are divorced OR are confident the affair is over that YOU have recovered. Admit and recognize that and seek the correct help.

After DDay1 in 2017 I went down that rabbit hole like the floor fell out from under me. And stayed there a while. I was bad. I'd walk by greeting cards during holidays/special occasions and legit say "fuck you" to them outloud. I'd scowl at happy people because how dare people be so damn happy when I was so miserable. I would look in the mirror and say "no wonder" and sob through showers because I had to touch/wash my unworthy self.

Then...I got sick of myself. I got sick of it all. And I - despite the pain it took every second - stood the fuck up! It was hard and it hurt. But I did it. I got myself a cheap bracelet that said KEEP FUCKING GOING and wore it often [still do when I need a boost]. I looked in the mirror and reminded myself I'm a BASGU [Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn] and my name is Chaos. I started showering and reminding myself I'm built like Marilyn Monroe - and am constantly complimented. I took myself to VS and bought myself an entire new awesome sparkly underwear wardrobe and wore it with pride [sparkly undies are an amazing confidence boost in the Land of Chaos]. I did my hair and make up just because I could. I took myself on coffee dates. I'd wander aimlessly or just sit and people watch while slowly sipping that hot goodness (I drink it black so I'm a cheap coffee date). Each sip was one of sanity entering my system. I used my work EAP hotline on the regular and got into IC.

It was a long hard process. It was grueling. It hurt worse than anything [and I've had back labor 26+ hours that sent me into shock from the pain of it all]. And I forced myself. I dug deep into an old mantra my grandmother [wise farm woman w/only an elementary school education but she had common sense and a work ethic that would put most to shame] used to say - your arm's ain't broke and your legs ain't broke so get up and do.

Much like the Little Mermaid in the Hans Christian Anderson story - every step was the pain of 1000 knives. But I kept fucking going. I continue to keep fucking going. And then...it happened... much like the Grinch's heart - my confidence came back and it came back bigger and badder than ever.

It was long, hard, grueling work. And is still work. But years later I can say it [and I] am so fucking worth it. After all...I am a BASGU that is Chaos.

hikingout, if I say that made my head hurt, I trust you will know what I am saying

AspectNorth,
It truly does my heart good to see you re-engage. Your mega-thread was extremely helpful to me. I was too raw at the time to write on it, but I read it all and it helped me make some big choices. My wife had similar prudishness in the marriage, adding to the shock value of the A. I was able to work out how I wanted to approach sex with her based off your thread, so thank you for that.

I see you started a new thread, and I’m thrilled to see that. As your thread didn’t directly address this, and I don’t want to thread jack, would you be willing to put some thoughts down here on what you think might be keeping you stuck in the betrayal, even post D? Zero judgment here, all in the name of healing.

would you be willing to put some thoughts down here on what you think might be keeping you stuck in the betrayal, even post D?

As a suggestion, I think it might be helpful to others, especially newbies, to define your term "stuck". I fear some may be tempted to think "unstuck" means "I no longer think of the A, ever, and it’s all water off a duck’s back".

I do know what you are saying! It’s hard to describe a process that has been almost eight years in the making, nor is it easy to follow unless you’ve dived kind of deep with Tolle.

And when I wrote it I didn’t know if anyone at all would relate with what I was saying. While Tolle writes something that I think is universally true when applied it’s difficult to describe the personal application of it because it’s so slow and nuanced.

It boils down to, we create our own suffering. Pain is part of life. How long we choose to suffer has a lot to do with how long it takes to find our personal power, and how quickly we can release false narratives we choose to rely on from a brain that lies to us in its efforts to constantly protect us.

And in essence you will not solve moving past infidelity by judging yourself, by buying into who and what others think we are- including the ws. The best way to heal is to stop listening to the mind and be able to observe it from your spirit.

It’s layers of an onion, the more you endeavor to understand yourself and see the ways that you hold yourself stuck, the freedom of choice begins to resonate differently.

Being stuck is the result of believing it. Believing the limitations are permanent and unsolvable. It takes faith and knowing that you are divinely supported, your spirit wants you to find the courage to change your perspective. Finding that perspective has a lot to do with Tolle’s book. It’s complex and hopefully someone can illustrate it better than I.

That’s fair:

My use of the term "stuck" would refer to the state of experiencing pain or disturbing thoughts or emotions related to the betrayal for a prolonged period of time. We see a decent clip of threads that check in at 10 years and say they feel like D-Day was last week. That is certainly what I would call "stuck". Our friend AN is five years out from D-Day, divorced, and is still reporting intrusive thoughts. Plus he self reported resonating with this thread. So that sounds like "stuck" to me. No judgment.

While healing timelines are long and vary person to person, I think being stuck refers to staying in an undesirable state of damage from the betrayal for longer than would seem necessary (which is of course debatable to a point, but I think we all agree we’d hope to see someone 10 years out thriving).