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Sisoon, those questions are where I get stuck a little bit. We’ve been in MC since the summer, which has been good, and one of the things that’s come up is I can’t seem to articulate to myself or anyone else what I want, sexually or romantically. I’m very clear on what I want practically and emotionally from our relationship, but sexually and romantically I’m adrift. I mean, I have a sex drive and want to have sex, but when I try to think beyond that I get into this fraught, inarticulate, POLF space where everything feels blank. As far as withholding, my husband conceptualizes it as that, but that way of framing it doesn’t match my experience. Withholding implies that you have something you’re not giving, and it doesn’t feel like that to me. But yes, fear and betrayal are tied up in all this somehow.

Abalone, peri/menopausal issues are definitely in play. I haven’t noticed a reduction in desire, but there are a lot of physical things that are an added barrier, and a significant one at times.

Leafields, I’m really sorry your husband raped you. That’s beyond awful. Consent/lack of consent hasn’t played into my situation. This is a fraught/difficult issue in my marriage, but we have a pretty solid core of respect and communication even in our worst moments. We’ve batted around the possibility of a sex therapist, but we’re in such a medical care desert. Both of us loathe online therapy (we tried both individually and as a couple after DDay), and any in-person care here is months or years out. It took each of us over a year after DDay to get in-person IC appointments, and another year and a half after that to get MC appointments. But I appreciate the reminder that it is a potential resource; it helps me keep it in mind as an avenue to pursue.

Have I mentioned how much I appreciate you all? The questions and advice and sharing of experiences helps me get beyond the depressive blank space in my head where I usually land when I try to think these things through.

[This message edited by Grieving at 3:38 PM, Friday, January 3rd]

Recon, so much of what you said resonates. Especially this:

"Sex will never be the same for me. It just won't. With anyone. At my age, with the baggage I had from a million other things, I feel very peaceful about that"

(Sorry; I’ve never been able to use the quote function).

I also feel peaceful about where I am sexually and with the sexual and romantic part of me being irrevocably changed. If I had chosen divorce or choose it in the future I have no shred of a desire for another relationship. But I’m not sure how to reconcile me being at peace with it and my husband not. I feel like genuine reconciliation is a two way street, and even though a significant part of me wants to say "this is how I am; take it or leave it," another part of me wants to be open to working toward something more mutually satisfying.

[This message edited by Grieving at 3:49 PM, Friday, January 3rd]

Grieving:

I hear you also on the conundrum of "take me or leave me" but also wanting your H to be able to get what he wants out of the intimacy piece.

My own positive changes in R have been soooooo glacial that maybe that piece will also be balanced at some point for you both. I know that I am in the new business of caring less about my husband's happiness but not wanting him to be proactively unhappy.

It feels (to me) like all the years I did everything "right" and really put him first, got me absolutely nothing. He had a secretive affair and lied about it and left me. And lied some more. I don't want to be a chump again.

Sorry I digress. I think you sound really sane and clear right now.