SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
I'm new to the world of infidelity. I've been with my partner for almost 5 years and we both have children to previous relationships and live quite a distance apart. Despite this we have had a very solid relationship that has been living and fun and what I thought, solid. It has been a difficult 18months as my WS has addiction issues (alcohol and was abusing adhd medication). I have been his rock in helping him navigate rehab and dealing with his lies that come with these issues.
On Christmas Day, he gave my mum his old phone as a gift and asked me to help her set it up. Later that afternoon (he was with his family at this stage) I opened the phone to find he had not wiped it and I noticed he had fb messenger and it was there, I found the most sordid messages with this other woman. He has now told me that it has been going on for 2 years and that he cannot believe that he did this. He says he will do anything to rectify what he has done and that he was unravelling, still drinking and feeling incredibly insecure bc he struggled so much when we were apart. He has blocked and deleted the other woman, told me I can have access to all his devices and ring door bell and that he deserves everything because this is his doing. I asked him why he didn't end it and he kept saying he was trying to.
I just can't believe it. And I know, that these interactions were when he was wasted, he get better at hiding that and maybe he found someone who wasn't going to hold him accountable? I also ask myself if it would've ever ended had I not found the evidence.
I'm so conflicted because I care deeply for him, I can't believe that the one person I thought would never hurt me, has done so in the worst possible way.
My parents and daughter are heartbroken and want nothing to do with him

Hi Shellsbells,

I am so sorry you had to find us. This is a great group who have walked the path you are on - we understand your pain. Because of that, just know that everything said here is based on experience. Take what works and leave the rest, but also note that what hurts the most is sometimes not because we are wrong, but because it is on target.

First, please take care of you and your kids.

1) Eat healthy, avoid drugs/alcohol, exercise (even just walking), drink lots of water and get enough sleep. If you are having trouble eating, try protein shakes. See your doctor if you are having issues sleeping or with anxiety. Taking physical care of yourself is hugely helpful in your emotional well-being.

2) speaking of your doctor, you need to get STD/STI tested right away. Tell your doctor that your partner is cheating and ask for a full panel test for all the nasties. As you have learned, your partner lied. So don’t bet your health on whether or not he had sex with his AP (affair partner) or if they used protection. Too many of us here have caught things, some deadly. Your doctor has heard it all, so don’t be embarrassed- protect your health. And do not have sex with your WS (wayward spouse) until he has also been tested AND showed you the results. Cheaters lie and often try to minimize things, so don’t take his word for it.

3) It can be helpful to have people IRL to talk to. It sounds like you have supportive family- this is great. You might also look for a therapist (IC, Individual counselor) with trauma experience to help you navigate the roller coaster of emotions you will be experiencing. And this IS a trauma.

4) It sounds like you are not married and live separately. Is that correct? Make sure that you protect your finances and your future. He’s an addict who has taken advantage of your support. Addicts often show addictive behavior in other areas- drugs + infidelity + finances…. PROTECT YOURSELF.

5) Understand that this is 100% on him. There is NOTHING you did or did not do that caused this. Do not let him put any blame on you.

6) Read in the Healing Library and all the posts in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum with bullseyes. (You may have to go back a few pages to find them). They are FULL of great advice and guidance.

Recovery from betrayal like this typically takes 2- 5 years. If the WS is the ideal spouse and does everything right, it is still years to repair the damage and start to rebuild trust. Add drug issues, it may be longer. Please don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy.

So he is not in recovery. What is your boundary on that? Are you willing to let him continue to lie about that? Addictions are tough to beat. What is HE doing to get better? Not what are you helping him with, but what is HE doing? This is his issue, his problem, to fix. You cannot fix him and you should not give support if he is not doing the work.

Since you are not married, live apart, and he’s repeatedly betrayed you (all the lies, the infidelity), it is hard to see a path forward. He would REALLY need to take the driver’s seat in his own rehabilitation. For now, focus on you and your kids. You can make a decision about staying or going when you are ready. For now, focus on you and what you want/need from a partner.

Keep posting, and trust that you will get through this.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 1:14 AM, Tuesday, December 31st]

Hey, I just wanted to welcome you to the site as just some guy who has benefitted immensely from SI. I wish I could give you some guidance, but dealing with a partner with substance abuse issues is outside my wheelhouse. Just know that you are in good company here. There are many fantastic members who will guide you along the way. The aggregate wisdom and experience here in invaluable. Good luck.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:54 AM, Tuesday, December 31st]

Welcome to SI and second the posts from BearlyBreathing and Justsomeguy. There are some posts pinned to the top of the page that are very helpful, as well as some with bull's eye icons. Plus the Healing Library is located at the top of the site and has a lot of resources.

Sorry you're joining us.

A lot of think the substance abuse is a much bigger problem than cheating, although the cheating seems more painful.

The thing is: unless the substance abuse is stopped, your partner will always choose the substance over you, and that makes cheating hard to stop. Your partner may honestly want to never do this again, but if the addiction isn't addressed, he is too likely to put you through this pain again and again. Do you and he understand that? What is he doing to address his addiction.

Reconciliation ('R') is possible when both partners do the necessary work, and they'll do the necessary work if they want R enough. It's probably too early to know what you want. It's probably too early for your partner to know what he is willing to do to heal.

So my reco is to think about what you wnt even if you may not be able to get it. If you want R, think about your requirements and how you'll know if your partner meets them. Give yourself time follow BarelyBreathing's recommendations. Read about people's experiences. Post your questions and concerns. Find a good IC if you want IRL help.

And have faith in yourself - you really can survive and thrive.

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support. The SI forums have been so helpful for me already and it is comforting to know that I am not alone. I appreciate you all

I am a vocal advocate of the stance that if there is substance abuse then that needs to be dealt with before you can really deal with the infidelity.
If you care for him then you can support him in his sobriety. Only HE has to do the work. You can remind him of AA meetings, keep an eye out on if he really went, evaluate his behaviors and if he looks sober, listen to him gripe about sobriety and all that... but HE needs to put away the alcohol and drugs and be sober.
If you have a wish to have a romantic or intimate relationship with him... Well... consider putting it on hold for 90 days. Let him know that for NOW his role is to be sober, and that if he can convince you that he’s sober in 90 days then and only then will you let him know if you two are still on.
That conviction can be made via blood-tests, interactions, sobriety buttons in AA...