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I found out 2 years ago that my wife had another man on her Whatsapp called a woman's name..All history deleted..After confronting her, it was an X work colleague that I knew fancied her.

Seemingly they never met etc and it was 6 months of nothing but friendship.I was devastated, and very hurt..I was promised I knew everything and we tried to make our marriage work..

2 years later, I finally found out his wife's name and made contact..All unfolded over a couple of days, found out from his wife they had indeed met, and her husband said they kissed..

I ended up calling this guy and he admitted a lot more..I confronted my wife, and at this stage she was caught!

She told me all... 1 year relationship, until I found out.. met several times for intimacy.. Seemingly she didn't enjoy it and only performed to keep him happy, as she really valued their friendship..

It been over for 2 years now with no contact, and I'm sure this is correct..

We have young kids, she has swore it was the biggest mistake of her life and will spend the rest of her life making this up to me and winning back my trust..

I'm a mess now and so torn on what to do... I do believe her, and I can see why she kept lying because of how bad this all was, and she was afraid of loosing me..

How can I move on from this?

Hi OP,

Very sorry you had to find this place. The first item of business is to recognize your wife is NOT remorseful for what she did, at least not yet, and perhaps never will. So many betrayed see their adulterous spouse say "sorry" and promise to "make it up", but only after being caught. She not only destroyed her marriage vows (and yes, you should consider the "old" marriage 100% over), but she actively lied to you for YEARS. She’s only in damage control mode now. Without TRUE remorse, you have a zero percent chance of a successful reconciliation, which seems to be what you want.

A number of betrayed folks instinctively want to rug-sweep, as they’re in shock and reflexively want to get back to the appearance of "everything’s just fine" as soon as possible. This is 100% a recipe for disaster.

If your W faces no consequences for her MANY epic betrayals of you, you can all but guarantee a relapse. She will also lose even more respect for you, assuming she has any for you right now. Clearly she had zero respect for you while she was conducting her sexcapades. Consequences are the natural result of one’s choices. They are NOT "punishment", like some who are confused believe. While she is of course not a child, but imagine parenting a kid who keeps running into a busy street. Is it more loving to apply consequences so the kid gets motivated not to do that again? Or is it more loving/kind to merely say "I hope you make a better choice next time"? Consequences also increase the odds an adulterous spouse reaches true remorse (defined as being consumed with YOUR well-being and healing, and not merely focusing on her own embarrassment of being caught).

Here are some minimum consequences I hope you strongly consider:

1. She informs BOTH her parents and yours exactly what she’s done. You need support, and she needs outside accountability.

2. She writes an extremely detailed timeline of everything from the day she met OM, who perused who, all sexual details, text convos, what they discussed, everything. The point here is to eliminate the unholy intimacy they built together by sharing & exposing ALL of it at least to you. You need to know what you’re forgiving, assuming you still want to if/when you get the FULL truth. Don’t assume you have the full truth now. She’s already proven herself a chronic unrepentant liar.

3. She hands you a copy of that timeline. Have you read it all to you. Watch her as she does this. Is her focus on herself, or does she care more for how this is impacting YOU. Crocodile tears mostly likely will be for herself.

4. You then tell her she will need to sit for a polygraph test, where, amongst other questions, she will be asked whether this timeline is 100% complete and accurate. Tell her ALL of the truth WILL come out, but HOW it comes out will absolutely impact your decision to reconcile or not. Do NOT immediately promise reconciliation !!!!!!! Then ask her if she has anything to add to her timeline. Tell her she will also be asked if she’s been unfaithful IN ANY WAY with anyone else since the two of you were "exclusive".

5. Tell her she must begin Individual Counseling (IC) with a therapist who will NOT condone her adultery, and she must work on discovering her "whys". She may well claim "it just happened". Don’t accept that! Or at least recognize if you’re satisfied with that answer, know that it could very well "just happen" again with someone else. DO NOT START MARRIAGE COUNSELING NOW. The marriage didn’t cheat - she did.

6. No contact with OM *forever*. If they still work together, she quits yesterday. If OM is in a relationship, find her and inform her WITHOUT NOTIFYING your wife. This way, after you do, and your wife comes to you and asks "Why did you tell her?", you can be assured they’re still in contact, and therefore the illicit relationship continues, and that reconciliation (R) is a fool’s errand.

You need to recognize TRUE / SUCCESSFUL reconciliation is extremely rare when viewed at the 5+ year mark post D-DAY. Yes, it has happened, but the ingredients for such are incredibly rare, starting with the adulterer being not only 100% honest, but truly remorseful (as seen in continuous ACTION, never words alone, and sustained over YEARS). Your wife must come to fully understand how it is that she could betray you in the most abusive way possible towards you, and make no mistake: adultery is 100% abusive. Understand your current marriage is OVER. The question you must ask yourself is this: can you both work together to build a new marriage, with a person you know is 100% capable of betraying you in the worst possible way a wife can betray her husband. Understand your level of trust for her will never be the same. You likely have not hit the anger phase yet. You have every right to be hopping mad at her, and you should be. Use this righteous anger, when it hits, to steel your resolve to follow thru with consequences and never settle for anything remotely resembling rug-sweeping. You have work to do as well, starting with thinking DEEPLY whether you might even have a chance of getting over what she has done. This haunts most betrayed for the remainder of their lives. Her mere presence will likely trigger you for years to come. Reconciliation after adultery will likely be the most difficult undertaking of your life, and all of it with a low chance of success unfortunately. Think long and hard whether you want to go down this road, or cut your losses now. There’s little dispute those who divorce heal more quickly than those who attempt R.

Keep posting. Know there are many here who care for you.

FV,

DNA your children.

STD test for You and your WW.

"Didn't enjoy it" typical minimization in a category with "only kissed", "only once" , "didn't orgasm"

Is the OM in management get him fired.

So sorry you find yourself here.
Please read through the healing library and all the posts with bullseyes in the Just Found Out Forum. Lots of good information there.

First, know that nothing you did caused her to cheat. This is 100% on her.
Second, it may take a little time for you to determine your best path of action- that is normal.
And we have had SOOOOO many cases here where the WS (wayward spouse) minimized what happened initially and later the BS (betrayed spouse) learned that there was much more. So expect more of that, as you have already experienced. If it drags on too long, it’s called trickle truth and it is as damaging as the actual affair to the M (marriage). Make it clear that you need the whole truth. If she wants to R (reconcile), you need to first know what is you are recovering from. It is unfortunate that she did not confess nor give you the full truth, but sadly it is pretty typical.

Please focus on your health and wellbeing. Eat healthy, drink water, avoid drugs/alcohol, and get enough exercise and sleep. You need to cater to your physical well-being to help your emotional well-being. If sleep is difficult, see your doctor.

Speaking of your doctor, you AND she both need to get full panel testing for STD/STI. Don’t have unprotected sex with her until BOTH of you have your results back and she shares hers with you. Doctors have seen it before and will be kind. Protect your health. Many here have gotten diseases - best to know and treat (if possible) immediately.

See a few lawyers without telling her. You do not need to D (divorce), but it really empowering to understand what your rights are and what it might look like. Knowledge is power, and this will help you feel more grounded and alleviate fears of the unknown. You do not need to file- just information gathering.

Lastly- trust that you will survive this. It sucks and takes a long time to recover from. But you can and will recover whether your marriage survives or not. Sending strength -

FV:

Sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. I agree with BearlyBreathing. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused your WW to cheat. Most importantly take care of you. Eat healthy, exercise and get good sleep. You need to process the knowledge that your WW cheated and deal with that trauma. This is not a race. Time is your ally. Talk to a trusted friend or get IC if available. The oft-stated time for recovery is 2-5 years. You may decide over time that her actions were a dealbreaker for you. So be it. It is for many. But whatever path you choose R or D, you will receive support here.

Stating the obvious, your WW’s infidelity is a very selfish act. She hid the truth from you to protect herself. It is good that the A ended, but you should get all of the disclosure about the details you require. It takes humility for a WS to face their actions and own them. Watch her actions and not her words. Seek what you require for her to try and rebuild your trust. Is she transparent with her phone and devices. Does she show empathy for your pain, rather than wallow in her own shame or guilt. She should be willing to answer your questions over and over as your brain tries to process the trauma. And remember, all of this is unfair to you, and there is no equal hurting her back. Remember this is all new to you while she has known for two years.

The saying here is to take the advice you can use and leave the rest. You will decide the best way forward for you. Unfortunately, infidelity happens far too often, to tens of thousands of couples. We don’t know you or your WW. We don’t know if she is remorseful or not. Only time will tell. Beware of generalizations. You don’t care about statistics, only what is right in your particular situation for you. And only you can make that decision. It’s your life. The best advice here IMO is the advice based on our individual experience which may provide insights to you. I would never tell you that successful R’s are rare or every BS who files for D is ecstatic with their new life. Who the fuck knows? No one! Besides you are looking for information and support to help you process this trauma. Keep posting. The more information you share about the A and your WW’s behavior and attitude moving forward, and your own feelings and thoughts the more feedback you will receive. Good luck.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're here.

she has swore it was the biggest mistake

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk when you're at the store. Her A wasn't a mistake - it was a series of conscious decisions to lie and betray. She knew what she was doing. And she lied to you about it for years.

IC (Individual Counseling) for you. A betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner and to deal with the issues behind her cheating. She needs to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages but is a quick read. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Watch her actions and don't just listen to her words. As you've found, cheaters lie...and then they lie some more. Trust returns with consistent positive actions over time.

What has she offered to do to rebuild trust? She clearly is a very good liar and her words, spoken or written, can't be taken at face value. You feel vulnerable because your safe space has disappeared overnight. What can your W do to help you feel less vulnerable? IC can help too.

So what actions can she do to rebuild trust and help you feel safe? What would help you? Think on it and ask for it. You aren't going to get it any other way right now.

Has she done a complete timeline? A complete one, this time, with no omissions? That seems like something she can do, right? If she is serious about staying married that would help her establish at least a little creditibility towards she wants to work this out too.

Keep your options open and all on the table. See an attorney just to get an idea. DNA test your kids. Your main point is that you lost all trust in your wife. Remind her of that as a means to understand your side and explicitly state that all options, including a D, are and will be on the table. Harsh? No. That is the reality when you choose to have an A while M

Is she in IC to figure out that she sees herself one way,but acts in the complete opposite? She will have to admit some hard truths and dig through every lie. Both the ones she told you and the ones she told everyone one else.

Has she performed any actions thay align with her words?

Look man, going through this is traumatizing for anyone. Since you got lied to for an additional period of time I would guess you should talk to an IC about that. Just to sort out the jumbled mess in your head if nothing else.

I am sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us.

It soundsike you just want to sweep it under the rug and move on.

That may work for a while, but eventually the pain and unhappiness will metastasize to the rest of your life.

Guys, thank you all so much for your support here 🙏
Since my original post, I've had massive what's with my W..
It's all out now, full accountability and timelines.. Yes, some of the stuff I was told was awful, but because she admitted to them shows she's telling me the truth...
Absolutely no excuse (and she admits this herself), but she was in a very venerable state in her work place at that time, and this other guy supported her with it ..
It started there, and then developed into something more.. I've been swore to that the sexual side was always instigated on his side, and yes she met and performed because it was to keep him happy, so the relationship would continue and she would get the companionship side..
I will NEVER understand how little was though of me during that stage in her life, but I know some marriages can recover!
She has already said she will do ANYTHING to make us work, and will spend the rest of her days making it up to me..
No excuse here, but she was venerable at that stage, easily lead, and fully groomed by this guy..
I'm very deep! Some people may not want to have known the details, but I'm a gluten for punishment and got her to explain every detail to me..
I needed to know, so I wouldn't be thinking, did this happen..did that happen, then have my mind running overtime on these questions..

The problem I have now, is I keep going over and over in my mind about their meetings and intimacy, and can't let it go!! It's still all so raw because the final truth only came out just before the new year..

I do want to make a go of this again, trust again (some day) and get our family back on track..
Calming my mind is the biggest struggle I have at the moment..

Thanks all

Glad to read you have more disclosure. Watch her actions not her words. In the healing library there is a good article about dealing with the mind movies. You will still be on an emotional roller coaster. Take care of you.

FV,

Consider IC with an EMDR/trauma specialist. She’s subjected you to severe trauma, and evidence is becoming overwhelming victims also have to deal with massive PTSD from the abuse of adultery. This is *not* a case where "time heals all wounds" for the vast majority of those dealing with adulterous spouses. Now that you think you have the full truth, consider very carefully what ALL of your requirements of her are for R. Consider a post-nuptial agreement (must seek full legal counsel for this). I would strongly caution you against seeing your W as a victim of AP’s grooming. She’s a grown woman who knew full well her choices would destroy you, yet she did it all anyway. Of course AP is also culpable, but viewing her as a gullible dupe will not age well. She’s 100% responsible for her choices. This was no "innocent mistake". Her betrayal was literally thousands of individual choices to abuse you, and she must own all of that.

As others have said: sustained actions over time matter. Words & crocodile tears (likely for herself) do NOT matter.

Hang in there.

So is the AP's wife fully informed of the goings on?

Are they trying to stay together?

The APs woke now knows all too.. I made sure of this! She's a mess...
Honestly can't see this working out for them..Don't think this was his 1st rodeo!
Yes, we will get counseling etc and I fully agree that actions and not words are needed.. Baby steps from here on ...
I told my wife that our 17year marriage was over yesterday and asked her to remove her wedding band, as have I... It's a small way of symbolism that that old toxic marriage is finally over, but we can work on something new from here on ..

We'll see through time how this all plays out, but at least this way we can move on in some fashion and try to look forward..

Thanks guys 🙏

She was NOT groomed by him. That is the story your wife wants you to believe but I doubt it is the truth.

Your wife CHOSE to have sex. Now the OM might be a player and have done this sort of thing before, but please do not be misled that your wife did willingly make the choices she did.

Your wife is trying to minimize her role in this. I think that is a mistake to allow her to believe this lie she is telling herself to assuage her own guilt.

I will recommend that you get some professional counseling for yourself. While I had no intention of reconciling with my H, it was MY own counselor that helped me see things from a different perspective.

Also the healing period as a betrayed spouse is 2 to 5 years. I think it’s important to know this so that you are not surprised when you still have feelings about it a few years from now.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:45 AM, Tuesday, January 7th]

I agree with everything 1st Wife said above.

There is no way a woman (or man) will allow herself/himself to be "groomed" by a player unless she/he wants to be "groomed". Women (and men) with morals and character will shut it down immediately and not allow the "grooming" to go any futher. As 1st Wife said your wife is playing up this angle of the affair in order to diminish her role in the affair.

Even though it happened a couple of years ago, I personally feel you are allowing yourself to go into reconciliation too soon. My opinion is that you should sit on the fence between D and R for awhile longer. You will probably find out more about the affair even if you think you have all the information now. It seems to happen quite freqently. In addition you may see your wife's actions change as she gets more comfortable knowing you will not leave her. You may feel differently a month from now.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 3:29 PM, Sunday, January 5th]

Yes, we will get counseling etc

FV, please be aware an extremely common mistake by betrayed spouses (BS) is to jump immediately into marriage counseling (MC). That almost never works, and, tragically, many marriage counselors buy into the "unmet needs" fallacy, and end up assigning at least some blame on the BS. Their goal is to save the M at all costs, so if that means throwing the betrayed under the bus, some will absolutely do that. Many also push rug-sweeping, which is another guaranteed disaster, usually manifesting many years later in the BS when the unaddressed trauma rears its very ugly head, with a vengeance.

Critical for you to understand: the M didn’t cheat. She did. SHE is the one, at minimum, who needs individual counseling (IC), led by a therapist who will hold her accountable, and not pat her head and whisper "there, there, it’s not your fault". If she never fully understands her reasons for betraying you in the highest degree a wife can, then how possibly can you live feeling secure she won’t do this again? As I previously mentioned, I would also recommend IC for you, to help process the trauma and work out the boundaries of a new marriage you eagerly seek with her.

I hope you learn from the hard-won crowd-sourced wisdom that nearly universally agrees immediate MC is the wrong course of action. MC can come later - after many months of IC likely for you both, and only after much progress has been made in each of you individually. I know you’re desperate for this M to continue. I know it’s counterintuitive, but your best shot at true R is to push off MC until much later.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 3:34 PM, Sunday, January 5th]

Sorry you’re having to go through this. Please listen to the advice being given to you. The 1st Wife and lrpprl said it perfectly. Your WW was not an innocent bystander being groomed. She was a willing participant. She had many, many off ramps and chose not to take them, knowing the destruction it would cause to both you and your M. Gently, I think you may be minimizing your WW’s role because you want your old life back and R looks a lot easier if you blame her AP and not her. R might be right for you, but don’t continue on the path you’re on. If you sweep this under the rug, it’s almost guaranteed that it will resurface in a few years and cause more pain than you can imagine. There’s been many, many stories about this on here over the years.

Friend....this is going to be a very, very long journey. You don't yet understand the twists and turns and ups and downs you will face. Yes...you possibly can heal and have a better marriage...but this is life changing. I needed every detail also...so I'm understand that.

Hear me closely.....be prepared to have your mind be in a state of processing this for a long, long time. For me, and I think it is common, you will likely need to ask your wife the same questions literally hundreds of times....over and over. I think one of the reasons is we were lied to for so long. The other reason.....I think our brain is actually somehow trying to reprogram our past....since what we thought was our reality, was not our reality.

Don't you dare feel guilty for how you feel. And don't you dare let your wife rug sweep, or minimize, or deflect. She truly did one of absolutely worst things a human can do to another. The one who you depended on to be your best friend....you safe place....you lover....became the one utterly disrespected and betrayed you.

She lifted and built him up....while at same time....knocked you down. Like I said, your brain and heart will soft through all this. There are offences, and deep hurts that will emerge...don't be surprised.

Betrayal like this touches on parts of being....and aspects of our relationships....that we did not even know existed.

Make sure to see a "Betrayal Trauma Specialist". Look up Jake Porter. His Couples Centered Recovery Model works...for those who want to reconcile.

Keep writing....there are lots of very, very people who are on this forum. Listen to them.

Good advice above. Make sure you spend time with your own trauma specialist and her with an infidelity specialist.

she says she’ll do anything

What does this mean to her? Tell her to research and write a plan to help you heal and rebuild new what she destroyed

It should have 10-20 different actions that she plans to take.

Are they still working together? That ends immediately even if she has to start by taking an unpaid leave of absence while she finds a new job.

You are right your marriage as you knew it is over. Anything going forward will be different. Is it enough for you to stay?

You are the prize now. She needs to make real demonstrative actions to show you she is all in forever. Right now she is not trustworthy at all. It will take years of hard work on her part to regain something like you had.

I personally find it a more terrifying that she admits to being willing to use sex transactionally than if she engaged it in enthusiastically as an equal partner. How on earth are you supposed to believe she isn't using sex transactionally with you?

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:14 PM, Monday, January 6th]