SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes,none of it is easy to understand and I'm hurting soooo bad now!
I do see her efforts to move forward, and I she has answered everything I've asked ( most of which is not easy to take ), but she says that I'm getting full disclosure now and it's the only way we can move on..
On baby steps here in the right direction and we are both putting in massive effort in different ways, but the pain is so bad.. I just want it to ease off, but constantly replay everything I've been told in my mind and find it so hard to take in and accept..
She wants to look for a forum for betrayers that want to make things work, but I don't know if there is such a place..
Ps, this forum is such a Good send for people like me going through similar situations, and I do realize I'm not in my own.🙏

Yes,none of it is easy to understand and I'm hurting soooo bad now!
I do see her efforts to move forward, and I she has answered everything I've asked ( most of which is not easy to take ), but she says that I'm getting full disclosure now and it's the only way we can move on..
On baby steps here in the right direction and we are both putting in massive effort in different ways, but the pain is so bad.. I just want it to ease off, but constantly replay everything I've been told in my mind and find it so hard to take in and accept..
She wants to look for a forum for betrayers that want to make things work, but I don't know if there is such a place..
Ps, this forum is such a Good send for people like me going through similar situations, and I do realize I'm not in my own.🙏

There is but she has to come to a realization and acceptance that she doesn’t control the outcome here …. You do.

She wants to look for a forum for betrayers that want to make things work, but I don't know if there is such a place..

There is a whole forum here for wayward who can offer her advice and 2x4s as needed. There are also other forums that have separated forums where wayward are able to interact with their gender in a separate forum or everyone in a general forum. Google affair recovery for example.

But there is no magic she can do to "fix" it. Her choice was already made. Now it is yours and only yours. You don’t owe her anything more… but you can choose to give her an undeserved chance if you decide to.

Hi FV,

As Tobster1911 says, your wife could try posting in the 'Wayward Side' forum here. I think that new posts in that forum automatically have a 'Stop' sign on them, which means only 'wayward' members can post in her thread. There are some very wise former wayward spouses who post in that forum, who are firm but fair in their advice, and who have weathered the storms of reconciliation from the wayward side of things. They could be a help to your wife, and help her to reach a position of honesty with herself, as well as with you.

It is worth bearing in mind that if she joins this forum, she will be able to read your thread too. Sometimes it can be useful for a betrayed person to have SI as their 'safe' place to share their thoughts and fears, away from their wayward spouse, so you need to consider if you want to share SI with your wife. There have been many instances where both parties are in SI, and some agree not to look at each other's threads. Obviously, that is not set in stone, but for a wayward, reading the comments in their betrayed partner's thread can be tough, as posters in 'Just Found Out' sometimes have strong opinions and do not mince their words.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:04 PM, Tuesday, January 7th]

M1965's post needs emphasis:

It is worth bearing in mind that if she joins this forum, she will be able to read your thread too. Sometimes it can be useful for a betrayed person to have SI as their 'safe' place to share their thoughts and fears, away from their wayward spouse, so you need to consider if you want to share SI with your wife. There have been many instances where both parties are in SI, and some agree not to look at each other's threads. Obviously, that is not set in stone, but for a wayward, reading the comments in their betrayed partner's thread can be tough, as posters in 'Just Found Out' sometimes have strong opinions and do not mince their words.

One big downside is that if your WS is not committed, they can use what you post on SI against you.

My W wanted some help from me about 2 years after d-day, and I didn't want to give it. I directed her to the WS forum. We agreed not to read each others thread (which are pretty easy to identify) or posts (not so easy) - but we were both committed to R, so we kept the agreement for a few years (at which time it wasn't relevant any more).

Sir, first of all my condolences on the assassination of the marriage you had, or, maybe the marriage you had hoped you had. The loss is a pain like no other and the grief is intense, at least it was for me. It may have taken place years ago, but for you, it happened yesterday

Please listen to the input here, especially The1stWife. She is spot on.

Im going to tell you some hard truths.

1. You cannot trust a word she says. Trust has literally been obliterated. You will most likely find out more in the days, months and years ahead. It is very common. She betrayed and deceived you in the worse way a "spouse" can. Believe only that which can be verified and take your time.

2. Stop moving so fast. You are in "fix it" mode. You are still in shock and need time to process. Find a good therapist, specifically one tbat specializes in betrayal trauma. It helps. I know.

3. Please read this thread (not because I started it, but because of the other contributers there):

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663153/behaviors-that-are-not-helpful-productive-for-newly-betrayeds/

Note - I too had small children at home and stayed in large part for them. Big mistake.

4. She needs to be in intensive individual therapy pronto and stay in it for a long time.

5. Unless you are ready to divorce immediately, make no long term committments in any direction until you have clarity. The recommended time frame is 3-6 months.

6. Invest in yourself like never before. Exercise, nutrition, hydration, quality rest (melatonin helps), time with friends. If you need/want to confide in trusted family and friends, do so. You need a support system around you and it cannot include her for the time being. Read up on the 180 (I wish to god I had something like this back when in order to help "right the ship" of my life as it were). I floundered....badly.

7. You both should read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and use it as a primer. You may want to add "No More Mr Nice Guy" for yourself to enable a sense of self empowerment.

Again,Im sorry you're facing this debacle of her making.

Strength and clarity to you in the days ahead.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:18 PM, Wednesday, January 8th]

Once again, I thank you all for your help and support through this all.. 🙏