SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been married to the same woman for 40yrs.High school sweethearts.Never been unfaithful, either one of us until 2yrs.ago.We have a son who we lost 8yrs.ago.My daughter who married 7yrs. ago now has 2 children.She lost a child 2yrs. ago who was 12 days old.They used to come over 2 to 3 times a week,they live close.Never really cared for her husband but did not let it be known.2 months after they lost their baby my wife felt she needed to talk to him privately which happened often.They both are late night people and like to overindulge in alcohol.Well this night they decided to have sex in my family room.We have a camera in that room which is not on all the time but we host exchange student's and 1 of them was sneaking down in the middle of the night and making a mess.That is when I saw them on camera doing the dirty deed.I can't erase that video from my mind, can't tell my wife I love her, can't believe what they both did to my daughter.My daughter is staying married to him because of the children and lifestyle.We only see my daughter twice a week for about 20 minutes while we watch my grandkids.My wife and daughter where very close.Know my daughter barely talks to her and when she does you can definitely tell there is tension.My wife is going to therapy,I am not, tried it, didn't work.I am very unhappy and am just accepting that this is how my life will play out.Any insite or advise will be much appreciated

In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that have a lot of great information. The Healing Library, located at the top of the site, has a bunch of great resources. Some of the resources talk about how to get rid of mind movies.

Not all ICs (individual counselors) are a good fit. I found an IC that was a betrayal trauma specialist and was so much more helpful to me than my first IC. Some people have found EMDR helpful in working through the trauma. Others have used EFT tapping to help process.

Be kind to yourself because it takes years to heal from infidelity, regardless of whether you R (reconcile) or D (divorce). If your WW (wayward wife) wants to R, then she should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint to get her started in helping you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

It sounds like your WW also needs to give up alcohol.

Sorry that you're joining us.

So your daughter's husband had sex with her mom, your wife? And the families are still together?

you can definitely tell there is tension.

I’d imagine so.

No real advice, other than to take care of yourself. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, or seeing what you saw.

You’ve been heard, don711

I am so sorry for the way your life has been impacted by such awful traumas. Loss of children is terrible and I am sorry for your losses.

And also that your wife has made such terrible choices.

What has your wife done to help you heal?

Nobody wants you to forget what happened or what you witnessed. I think that when we try to "forget" something this traumatic we are actually trying to deny it, and by "forgetting" we don’t process it OR put what is needed to avoid a repeat.
The forgiving part... Well... there are some angles on that often discussed and disputed here on what "forgiveness" really is. In a way simply allowing your wife to be your wife and having an ongoing marriage is a form of "forgiveness". Personally I think forgiveness tends to be the stage where we don’t let a past event control our lives.

Other than that...
See my tagline? You are stuck simply because you chose to remain stuck. You have immense power to change things, albeit the change might cause new or different pain. Or it can possibly bring you to a better place...

OK – Your daughter... Remains with him because of lifestyle and money...
How do you feel about that?
What little we know about your son-in-law is that he drinks too much and cheats on your daughter. Let’s add the part about his AP of choice being his mother-in-law, and his location of choice the castle of his father-in-law...
How do you feel about your daughter feeling forced to remain married to him?
Do you know if they have made any changes to their marriage since d-day? Like is he sober? Seeking IC?
Maybe you should reach out to her and see if she’s content, if they have done anything to reconcile or if you could aid her in getting out of what could be an abusive relationship.

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On your end... I think you should consider IC again. It’s not supposed to be "nice" and it can take some runs to find the person that helps.
As has been asked: What has your wife done?
I want to emphasize the question about her drinking.
Remember – you do have options. For some what you experienced can be a dealbreaker, others can find ways to reconcile. Its only YOU that is holding yourself back from your healing – be it with your wife or alone.

Don711, there are lots of heart wrenching stories of lives turned upside down by infidelity. cheating in general is despicable. to cheat with one's son in law with complete disregard for your daughter and grandkids whose lives are going to be altered forever and the pain you will all have to endure is just mind blowing. My heart goes out to you, your daughter and grandkids for what has been done to you and Alcohol is not an excuse, period.

I have no words of wisdom to offer for your situation, I can't even comprehend it. But know that both you and your daughter have options. we all have choices in life. we are not forced to live unhappily ever after. we are not forced to stay with cheaters and liars giving up precious time with grandkids due to someone else's shitty, selfish decisions.

perhaps you will decide to stay put but maybe, just maybe you can imagine a new life without your wife in it. maybe in this new life you would get to spend more time with your grandkids and your daughter. maybe in this new life you would wake up in the morning excited about what the day ahead of you has to offer.
whatever you decide to do, i hope you can find joy and peace for yourself. my heart goes out to you, take care of yourself and remember, not on your worst day did you deserve any of this.

IDK ... trauma leads to behavior that is not normal, and the loss of children is certainly trauma. The loss of 2 children ... I do not even want to think about that.

You're in an awful situation, don711, but you know that.

The thing is: people can heal. We often heal faster and more deeply with the right help. Therapy can't make your W/SIL's sex go away, but a good IC can help you figure out the best healing path for you. A good IC can help you let go of the anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever so you can find happiness.

You can heal without forgiving. You can even Reconcile without forgiving. Forgetting - take forgetting off the table. My d-day was 14 years ago. I have forgiven my W, but that was a non-event for me - it just flowed naturally from the healing we both were doing individually. The A still comes up, but usually it's an just annoyance. I still have the memory. I just don't have the pain any more.