SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to get everyone's thoughts on unhelpful assumptions and advice given by others when they find out about an A.....

So long story short, my FWW came clean about her long term affair during the 2020 covid lockdowns (August) with the help of her therapist. I was completely blindsided and had absolutely no idea that anything had been going on. My FWW was always *very* vanilla with me in bed, with even OS off the table.

During the process of coming clean, I discovered that their affair was *very* different to her actions in our M, with sex acts perpetually denied to me, given freely and frequently to the AP. As you can imagine, this was extremely difficult to deal with and comprehend.

There is another (extremely) long thread somewhere here that goes through all of that in all the gory details..... sufficed to say that the R did not stick, and we have parted ways.

As part of the separation and D process, FWW and I agreed that for the sake of our children, we would refrain from assigning blame etc, and simply tell others (friends and other than close family who know the full details) that we separated and divorced "due to infidelity".

It seems that without fail, the usual assumption is that I was the one who strayed. I then get a stream of unhelpful advice, suggestions on how I might "win her back", or "prove myself to her".... I simply respond that "I was the one who asked her to leave" and leave it at that. but.... there is so much I want to say.... to scream out how she debased herself to her AP everytime they were together, whilst playing the chaste straight laced wife at home.

So I was wondering how do you all deal with this, also, to help lift my mood, share any unhelpful advice you might have been given?

Looking forward to having a laugh at this difficult time of year.

Cheers,
AN.

share any unhelpful advice you might have been given?

When my X-sil found out about her brother cheating, she said "Well....at least he wasn't out laying in bars/drinking".

Ummmmm - yeah cause cheating feels much better than alcohol issues (which were also in play at the time).

So I was wondering how do you all deal with this

You said your family/friends mostly know. Beyond that, I didn't even tell folks anything. "We are divorced" was sufficient. I learned that even with the full story; folks will believe what they want to believe.

As for a reply when they imply it was you. Maybe something like "I am offended you assume I was the cheater" and walk away. This turns it right back on them.

It was my experience that certain other people are like legos on the floor. Best avoided and can be very painful.

I am sorry people make assumptions that your behavior caused the divorce.

I cut the ones I could out of my life. There are certain ones I felt I had to interact with over this Christmas. Their unhelpful advice was that when people are not happy they deserve to leave and be happy. I just plaster on a hopefully convincing fake smile and let it go.

Certain people can be judgmental trolls. I say "until it happens to them."

Every person has to do what is right for themselves. I deal with the trolls by emotionally and physically distancing myself from them. And I do not take it personally. In other words I "let them" do whatever it is that they are doing and I move on with my life with dignity. I believe that if they actually cared about me they would have asked to hear my side and been supportive. They showed me who they are and what they thought of me. And I am paying attention to that.

I can relate to waywards doing wild stuff and it’s very hurtful. In my case, ExWH was withholding touch and intimacy while harboring a serious porn and online sex habit and hooking up with randoms in hotel rooms doing who knows what to who knows who while posting bible versus and sharing his location as being in church about every Sunday.

As for misplaced blame, many of us can relate. Guess who "people" blamed for EXWH’s infidelity. That’s right, me. People actually had the gall to say that if I had been fulfilling his sexual needs he would not have cheated. Since he even cheated on his new "girlfriend" I am not buying that.

Perhaps this is tmi or Petty. Those same people who have said even much worse to me since dday2…quite frankly I hold on to the hope that karma is real and has their address—that one day they will walk in on him with their wife. Since exwh has shown me zero conscious since dd2, I would say the odds are good that I won’t be his only victim.

That said, I personally do not want any of the people who supported him back in my life. I don’t trust them and have much better quality people who know who I am and have my back.

If you’re telling people you parted ways due to infidelity, it feels weird and counterproductive to leave up in the air who cheated (and woefully unfair to you). Do your kids know about the infidelity?

If you want to know how to overwhelm people who assume things they should not, you can always do word vomit. " I am so glad you gave me your opinion on how things should go. I think that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve heard all day. I cannot imagine how people don’t come to you for help as helpful as you’ve been to me today. I want you to know that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers all day long every day for the rest of my life because of how helpful you have been today. You are just magnanimous in your opinions and your suggestions and they’ve made all the difference in the world, so thank you thank you thank you. By the way, I’m not the cheater."

As for a reply when they imply it was you. Maybe something like "I am offended you assume I was the cheater" and walk away. This turns it right back on them.

This looks like an excellent response. That tells them all they need to know.

I followed your story in depth and your ex-ww's lack of empathy and selfishness after the she disclosed her affair is one of the worst I have read. Her lack of accountability and responsibility for her actions by using the third person while describing her activities during the affair... "She did this"--"She did that", etc... is almost a master course in manipulation. The way she and her IC colluded together against you was unconscionable. I really and truly hope you are doing better than when you first came here.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 3:46 AM, Saturday, January 4th]

I’m perplexed about why you would tell people your divorce was "due to infidelity" if you didn’t want anyone to blame you.

It’s not just because you’re a man; it’s because your wife has always been obsessed with protecting her image as a virtuous, self-sacrificing, and even prudish woman wholly devoted to her kids.

On top of that, your wife has gone behind your back in the past and portrayed you as controlling and unforgiving husband who just wants to throw her away. For all you know, she could be lying to people who have asked her about the infidelity personally.

So of course people are going to think you were the cheater. Your wife is so good at cultivating a fake persona that she was able to fool you, the person closest to her. And she’s not above demonizing you to make herself look better.

The only way to change people’s perceptions is to stop covering for her and tell the truth. You don’t have to share all the gory details, except with people who are closest to you that you trust.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:41 PM, Friday, January 3rd]

As for a reply when they imply it was you. Maybe something like "I am offended you assume I was the cheater" and walk away. This turns it right back on them.

Exactly this. And hold your head high while walking away.

If you are looking for a funny answer then there was one poster who – when asked why she divorced her husband – had a standard answer:
I didn’t get along with his girlfriend

This "due to infidelity" is pretty lame... (am I still allowed to use that word...). It implies that either you cheated, she cheated or both cheated. Not being clear doesn’t help anyone avoid "blame", but simply allocates possible blame to all. If you aren’t allowed to strike out two of the three options then there is no way you can avoid any sensible busy-nose from thinking you are complicit simply because that covers 2 out of 3 possibilities.

Assigning blame and telling the truth are not the same thing.

Like you could say "It was my decision due to her infidelities" and that’s not assigning blame. In fact – if there is any "blame" in that answer then it’s YOU sort-of acknowledging that you couldn’t get past her infidelities. A more self-blaming but truthful statement might be "I couldn’t get over her infidelity".
But then – why the concern about blame? Friends and family running a score and the one with the least blame get a silver-cup?

In six months nobody will give a hoot.

Good to see you back, AN. Clearly we all wish we’d never met each other, but you know what I mean…

I fully agree with BluerThanBlue, 1000%.

Is your agreement formal, as in within the divorce decree? If so, ask around and find someone she has broken the agreement with (I’d be willing to bet a lot on that one), and if not, then I strongly recommend reconsidering the whole thing. Stop protecting her, stop stuffing this shit. I saw that you responded on my thread about not getting stuck (which made the whole thing worth it). I would wager that you still thinking like this, that you need to be hiding "shameful" details and bearing a cross are contributing to your stuckness. Choose you, friend, and breathe the clean air.

Quick T/J

(am I still allowed to use that word...)

Too soon, Bigger, too soon

"I wonder why you immediately thought I would be the cheater. Maybe your advice should be for her."

I fully agree with BluerThanBlue, 1000%.

I do too. I'm sure your WW was totally cool with you agreeing to set yourself up to be vilified. I'd either stop saying that I D'ed due to infidelity, or I'd elaborate that it wasn't me. Probably the former.

Also, don't lie to your kids to protect them. Secrets have a funny way of coming back to bite you.

My aunt said that her ex preferred women in quantity rather than quality. Why couldn't you rephrase and say that you divorce because your wife preferred men in quantity rather than quality? Kinda shuts questions down.

As part of the separation and D process, FWW and I agreed that for the sake of our children, we would refrain from assigning blame etc, and simply tell others...that we separated and divorced "due to infidelity".

I'd be curious how this conversation happened. Was it your or her idea to not specify who the adulterer was? I'm guessing it was her, and the explanation related to how much tougher people are on women who cheat and how others knowing their mother was an adulterer would unduly shame your kids. Especially considering how curated her appearance is to others.
Not to debate whether or how true that may be, the simple fact is that it doesn't help the kids any more for others to assume you were the cliched WH cheater, nor especially that both parents cheated on one another.
This is her issue and she should willingly throw herself under any oncoming busses to protect you from this fallout if she's remorseful. If she's not, at least don't guide the busses your way.

You are under no obligation to keep her secret, I'm sure she will be ok with the assumptions but how does taking mutual blame to keep people guessing help the kids? I would not advertise why I got divorced but I would never let it appear I was unfaithful in my M. Lying is what killed the M and she wants to double down. This is your story also and the truth will set you free.

Just say "Infidelity killed our M because I refuse to live with it".

You of all people do not deserve to take absolute any more shit. Period.

Why did you divorce?

"I wanted only one dick in our marriage. She wanted two."

Sing it from the mountaintop.

Too soon, Bigger, too soon

Trouble maker 🤣

Cooley.

Well played.

Well, we have been taught since childhood that men are naturally promiscuous (or at least want to be) and woman are naturally monogamous. And so the old joke:

When the husband cheats, it’s because he’s an asshole. When the wife cheats, it’s because her husband is an asshole.

While I'm sure it's been posted here before and elsewhere, I always loved it because it reminds me of a particular scene in the movie Airplane....

"I prefer my wife like I prefer my coffee, without another man's penis in it."

Then just walk away..