Hello all:
Happy post holidays. May we all return to normal (ish) next week. Is it Friday or Wednesday or Sunday? No idea!
I am at the 4.5 year mark of finding out about my husband's long out-of-town affair. The one he left me for on a Saturday morning out of the blue and returned 5 months later-lucky me! It would be almost 2 years until I found out the truth.
We were in the height of the pandemic, had just accepted an out-of-state move for his job and were 4 years into the empty nest.
I chose to try reconciling. My thoughts and experiences thus far.
I hope these validate or help someone.
- Had I found SI earlier! Oh how I wish. I was a certified moron during the awful days of suspecting an affair/addicition/something!
When he left, I did everything wrong. When he came home I did everything wrong. When I found out the truth, I went dead inside. Truly.
-Took me at least 3 years to feel alive. Not kidding. Only time around my adult children and 2 or 3 other people made me feel human.
-We spent wayyyyyy too much time together in the early days of R. But! Moving 3 hours by plane from our longtime home, the pandemic, me at home/him in a new job, it is what it is. I would recommend way more separate activities during early R.
-I think separate bedrooms the first year might have been helpful. I was seething with anger and hurt and he was...snoring. Lol. But honestly, in the last 6 months, we sleep separately at least 3 nights a week so I can get a good night's sleep and I can't tell you how I have improved! I swore I would never be a separate bedroom person. But with the snoring/adultery, I feel I have agency over an important part of my life: bedtime. We have talked about it a lot and feel happy. I can't stress enough how it makes me feel in control of my life again.
-The first 3 years are impossibly hard. For us they were. He did a ton of "right" things but he struggled at times when I wanted to talk (again) about things we had covered umpteen times. But we muddled along.
-At the 4 year mark, I just stopped needing to discuss the affair/lying/cruelty in leaving me one random saturday/everything else. We now go weeks and it doesn't come up. I'm OK with that for the first time. I am enjoying it.
-How I feel today: content, ever-changed, not a romantic person anymore, wiser, sadder, proud of doing a super hard thing.
-Intimacy? Oh kids. This one is a toughie. I had been so happy to welcome him home after his "needing space" for 5 months in 2018. I was open, joyous and felt we had dodged a bullet. I frequently (!!) told him how glad I was infidelity was not part of our story. My romantic feelings vanished when I found out the truth. Vanished. I had felt lucky, natural, pretty and excited by our intimacy during the good years. Now, it is what it is. And it is on my terms. That is Ok with me and he says it is with him too. He's sad and that's appropriate. NOT LOOKING FOR INPUT ON THIS.
-We had so many good years that those deposits in the Bank of Life have sustained us and, though nearly wiped clean, we have made small deposits in this reconciliation time.
-I am a hugely recovered romantic. I feel more jaded, I understand how hard life is, I understand PEOPLE LIE TO YOUR FACE (literally did not think this was a thing in marriage), I understand affair partners willingly participate rather than do a solid for the world, "Hey, you seem like a cliche, I 'd rather not be part of this and talk to your spouse." Guys, I did that personally many years ago when someone from my past contacted me after my divorce. it can be done!
-I now know that our relationship with ourselves is the most important one. I would have thrown up on my shoes 8 years ago if you had said that. But it is so very true. I want my adult children to know this too. I think they do.
My WH and I are back to laughing a lot, having deep discussion about life and health and death and purpose. He is not a grownup teennager anymore. I am happy for him. I am gently happy for me. That feels pretty good for right now.
