SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little background: Found out on 10/26/24 that my husband has been having an emotional affair for 2 plus years that turned physical over the past year. They were work partners (the working relationship ended when the affair ended, thankfully--her husband completely shut down everything so there has been no contact since) who were supposedly in the process of ending the physical part of the relationship in late October when her husband discovered all the texts on her phone and blew everything up. My husband had to come clean and tell me everything so I wouldn’t hear it from her husband. I had no idea and was completely blindsided about the relationship. They only ever met at his office during work hours and I never even knew about any of their feelings for each other. Apparently they would text and call each other frequently whenever their spouses weren’t around or when they were out running errands, etc. Since the discovery, All contact with her has been cut off and we are working at rebuilding our relationship. We immediately started couples counseling as he says he 100% wants our marriage to work, it was never supposed to happen like this, he was never going to leave me, he never wanted to hurt me, he was just being selfish and not thinking things through, etc. I'm sure many of you have heard it all before. On the plus side, he has been nothing but open and supportive of me during this process. He is doing everything right, we are having constant open conversations and full transparency as we are working toward rebuilding an entirely new relationship (not trying to save the old one as that obviously was not working). Over the past several years (even before her) we had lost our intimacy and our deep emotional connection, although we still were great friends, partners, enjoyed being together, etc, it wasn't the depth of relationship that we had had many years ago or even that we are starting to have now. We have known each other for 44 years and been married for 33, so we have a lot of history together. So now we have made our relationship our top priority and are working on being intimate again and just trying to enjoy each other and have fun together, which we kind of had forgotten how to do. We also both started individual counseling as well as the couples therapy; all of this has been helpful and I feel we are going in the right direction. He has alot of guilt over what he did and about seeing me be so devastated that I am glad he is working through this with his own therapist. I have hope for the future but it’s so hard not to focus on the past and all the shit that went on right under my nose that I never even suspected because I had so much trust in him. I continue to have a layer of pain that is an undercurrent to everything I do. I feel so fragile and any little thing can set me off or trigger me to have all the negative thoughts about them come rushing back in. I know what I need to do--let go of the past and things I can't control and choices he made; get through the present one day at a time, and focus on the future. I know that I have complete control over whether I choose to keep working on the marriage or whether I choose to leave; I may have been powerless before, but I am not anymore. But it's so hard to do it every single day and still function with the daily obligations of life. At times I really want this to work and other times I just want to punish him for everything he put me through and tell him to get out. I still cry every day, and much of the time I am not crying I am just right on the edge of tears. I haven't slept through the night since it happened. And those feeling are all mixed up with the positive ones about how our relationship is changing and hopefully will be stronger and better than ever. I know many of you have used the term emotional rollercoaster and that is exactly what I am on. I know it has been such a relatively short time since DDay--10 weeks, but it feels like forever when you are in it. To further complicate things, his mom died suddenly last week and now there is a whole layer of extra sadness for us on top of everything else. Oh and I forgot to mention, her husband thought I should know what I was dealing with so last month he sent me screen shots of some of their texts-- yeah, that was really helpful, thanks so much. I am so tired of feeling like this and wondering if I will ever be able to forgive his betrayal. He was living a completely separate life from me for 2 years and I never even knew. Christmas was really fun since this time last year was when they moved their relationship into the physical realm. I guess I just want to hear from people who are going through this with me so I don't feel so alone. I can talk to friends but no one can understand how this feels except someone who has been there. Thanks for giving me a place to share. Sorry I haven't learned all the abbreviations everyone uses and just don't feel like trying to figure them all out.

Alteredreality

SI tends to be low traffic on weekends. However, many will post to your query in the coming weeks.

In the JFO forum there are some pinned threads - please give them a look.

Then look in the "healing library" - lots of stuff to read.

You're in for the rough ride of learning how to live with your new reality. It is tough, hard, extremely stressful. Your mind will have a thousand questions and you should ask husband for answers. You will likely want to ask same questions several times.
He should answer every time.

You may want to observe closely what husband is doing to "fix" himself. He is broken, lacking morals/integrity, violated your marriage vows and disrespected you in probably the worst way possible. You will likely take years to accept your now changed life.
Side note: My experience was around 40 years ago. The memory is still vivid. But I have read here for years and picked up ways to accept what happened. You can also.

A book you and hubby should both read: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

And to grow his morals: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

For you: "Cheating in a Nutshell" - should help you a bit in understanding the "why."

There are some other forums more directed towards questions cheater ask or are asked by their betrayed partners.

Consider seeing your physician ASAP for STDs. Go back in six months too. Insist husband do same.

Ask questions here (SI) as they come to mind and think of your post as a sort of journal.

Consider who you tell and whether or not some kind of counseling is or would be useful.

Whatever you do - AVOID "MARRIAGE COUNSEL" - HE is broken - HE broke your marriage so HE needs to be counseled!

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that have some great information. As Hippo16 stated, the Healing Library has a bunch of resources.

If you're having trouble sleeping or with depression/anxiety, ask your doctor for some meds. Are you having nightmares? You may want your IC to see if you have PTSD. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and even longer when you're reconciling.

It does get better but it takes healing and time.

Freshly landed here too (BW). Just came to say you are not alone. I’m approx 7 wks from DDay. I haven’t been able to process much or post yet. I’ll read through this site and may choose to post more. The one thing I have noticed is that it can be hard to remember these posts are from many different people with vast arrays of experience and perspectives. If suggestions don’t feel right, keep scrolling. Sending healing vibes for you.

I’m so sorry you’re here. 10 weeks out is still very early, and your emotions are going to run the gamut. I’m not a person who cries easily, but I sobbed daily for weeks and was on the verge of tears constantly for much longer. What you’re experiencing and feeling is normal.

Others have pointed you in the direction of good resources; "Not Just Friends" was great for me and my husband, and "Living and Loving after Betrayal" really helped ground me in the wake of my husband’s affair. It’s not a couple’s resource; it’s a book about how to heal and rebuild yourself after betrayal.

Even if you are planning to reconcile, your top priority for a while needs to be you and your healing. Betrayal like this pulls the rug out from under you and shatters you, and you have to do some healing and internal rebuilding to get to a place where you have anything to invest in repairing the relationship.

Be kind to yourself. You will get to a better place, but those early days are so, so hard.

I am suggesting professional counseling for you.

I was in your shoes - finding out about the continued affair and 4 days later a very close family member passing away is very hard to deal with (especially all at once).

I hope you can happily reconcile.

Please keep posting here to get insight, support and understanding from people who have been in your shoes.

I know what I need to do--let go of the past and things I can't control and choices he made; get through the present one day at a time, and focus on the future.

I recommend reframing that a bit.

We live in the present, the 'here and now'; there's no way around that. At this point, your here and now is probably full of anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever. My reco is to embrace the pain - let it flow through and out of your body. The more you do that, the more you'll be able to make the decisions you have to make for your future. A good IC can help.

A good MC can help, too, but most MCs deal with systemic issues, not with issues each partner has that interfere with the M. If your MC wants to deal with 'communication' and not the A, they're probably not giving you the help you need the most.

Among other things, at 10 weeks out, you're probably still in shock. Human beings don't make the best decisions when in shock - the amygdala has too much control. So I recommend treating any decision you make now as tentative and subject to change without notice.

It's been 14 years, and I still remember the explosion of thoughts that ran through my head during the 1st 3-6 months after d-day. I made millions of decisions. The trouble was that I'd think of a million of them within seconds, and many of those would-be decisions contradicted each other.

Rest assured that your brain will calm down. The calming has probably started; it will proceed if you let it. It will take longer than you want it to take, but my reco is not to force yourself one way or another. Go with your flow. Have faith that your brain is just responding to a trauma - and remembering anything else in your life that was traumatic. I think the need to process the trauma out of your body is the reason others have recommended an IC for you. I do, too - a good IC can help you.

Now is a time to start thinking about spending the rest of your life with your WS. Maybe you want to; maybe you don't. If you don't, now may be a good time to call it quits. Your H says he wants to build a new M, but he may not be willing to do the necessary work. If that turns out to be the case, my reco is to choose D.

But if you're both willing to do the work, R is eminently possible, and IMO and IME, it's very rewarding.

Another reco: look deeply inside to find out what you want. Both D and R are difficult, but they're extra-difficult if if you choose an option that you don't want. (Even when the WS chooses D or refuses to do the work of R, the BS can fight the or embrace the outcome of the M - and fighting is harmful to the fighter.)

Shock usually seems to last 3-6 months. Don't push yourself. Again go with your flow.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:51 PM, Sunday, January 5th]

My WH wasn’t willing to do marriage counseling at first. I found a Gottmann trained counselor, and began counseling on my own without him. I told him he could sit in the room and listen (it was virtual) because I had nothing to hide. So he did.

I did the counseling for a few sessions that way, and he decided he wanted to join.

Anyway, it was valuable for us. I have a trauma background and the therapist was able to help me work through that, and worked us through the infidelity as well. It’s worth looking for a person who can work with the trauma side of this, as well as the individual and couple sides. We are lucky that we found this.

We read Not Just Friends, and that helped him understand a lot.

I think Brené Brown has a lot of good stuff on shame that helps, and my WH said it helped him understand why he didn’t want to open up and talk about his behavior, or tell the details or answer questions. She has some TED talks on shame and vulnerability that are really good and might help your wayward spouse in being more honest.

One thing that was so hard to understand was the "why did he do this". That is so complex, but the thing is that it has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse. Every step of the way, the wayward makes choices that are ego-driven, selfish, and only focused on inner desires and wants. They blameshift in order to justify behavior they know is wrong, and they hide what they’re doing and lie about it BECAUSE it’s wrong. If there was nothing wrong about it, they wouldn’t lie or hide it.

My WH said yesterday that he is still struggling to fully understand his "whys". He knows some of them, and so far, none of them have anything to do with me. So it might take you years on this aspect of things. I know it’s hard to hear that, but it might be helpful to know anyway.

It’s also important to know that you’re likely to be on a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes you just wake up kind of okay, but other days you wake up feeling sad, easily triggered. It’s normal. As time goes on, you’ll have longer periods between the ups and downs. You might have periods of "flatness", where you feel almost numb. That’s normal, too.

Hang in there. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of tears.

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry you're going through this. My heart goes out to you.

I'm nearly to the one year mark from DDay, and I have still yet to make it an entire week without crying. I hate this feeling, but I take comfort in knowing that I'm not weird or abnormal for being like this. Pre A, it would take a lot for me to cry. Today it takes almost nothing or the slightest inconvenience for me to break down in tears. My goal for this new year is to make it a whole week without crying....I can't wait to finally get there.

Thanks everyone for your supportive messages. To be clear, we are both in IC and also couples therapy. I have been reading through the healing library and info for newbies and find it very helpful. Have already read Not Just Friends and several other books which have all been helpful. So much good advice but it’s hard to keep applying it when the sadness, anger and feelings of profound betrayal set in. But I need to keep realizing that I am better than I was 10 weeks ago and working on some of the 180 principles that apply to me. Mainly not being so pathetic and needy like I was at first—I am doing better with that these days. It sucks that there are so many of us here going through this shit. But it helps to know I am not alone and that all my feelings are normal at this stage.

I am going to give you a shout out for using some 180 principles to help you heal.

I did the same thing at dday2 but I didn’t have the benefit of SI, but had the idea that he didn’t deserve my support after what he did.

Funny thing is it’s been 11 years and I still don’t do his laundry. He got the message lol.

I hope you can happily reconcile. It is a long slow process. Hang in there.

AlteredReality, I can’t offer you any advice I’m afraid but I just wanted to let you know that I’m going through exactly the same sadly.
Been with my H for almost 30 years, married for 24 years. 2 adult sons.
We’ve had, what I thought and what he tells me, a good marriage and family.
But I found out in November 2024 that he’s had another woman for the last 21 years.
The first 15 it was a PA and then the last 6 years an EA.
We’ve both just started IC and just taking one day at a time. But I’m broken.
I never suspected a thing (he’d only see her when he was working). But it haunts me that he was carrying on with her and I was completely unaware.
Please have a read through my previous posts, I think you’ll find a lot of similarities with your story.
I’m finding my way and trying to start the healing process slowly before I make any decisions about our marriage and the future.
Sending love and strength to you, I’m so sorry you find yourself here too.

Altered Reality:

First, I am so so sorry you are going through this!

I completely understand everything you wrote about.

I am 4.5 years out and can honestly break down (in broad terms) my reconciliation journey.

-The first 4 weeks-total shock that I believe in hindsight was actual clinical shock.

-The first year: very numb, so much shame, so much anger, so much pain that I had been gaslit/duped/harmed on all levels by my spouse. We talked about the affair every day for the first year. I could care less if that's not a good idea. I needed it.

-The second year: teeny tiny steps forward. Slightly better sleep, less shame (I never deserved any but still, you feel what you feel), slightly less need to ask questions/explain my pain/etc...

-The third year: not numb, mild ability to trust again, less need to ask question/explain my pain

-The fourth year: I laugh again, I find some joy with him, I feel pride at the Herculean task we have undertaken, I feel no shame, I need far far less affair discussion.

Please know that obviously, this is just me. I also (in the first 6 months) put hard hard boundaries in place. One example: his mother has always been awful to me. Never was a fan of our marriage, is mean spirited and pretty darn close to evil and I do not say that lightly. I will never be in a room with her again. Haven't seen her since 2019. He understands, agrees and validates this is not a crazy boundary.

Put in place ANYTHING you need to. Feel in control of whatever you can. It made a huge difference for me.

HUGS!

-

My entire first year after dday2 was me waking up and my first thoughts were "I cannot do this. I cannot R. I need to D him".

12 months of this pain and inner turmoil.

Year 2 was a bit better but not much.

Year 3 was when I finally stopped "waiting to feel better" and started really working on healing myself.

At 10 weeks from dday2 I was existing. Putting on a brave front (especially in front of my kids) but inside I was a wreck. Funny thing I remember. I was at the hair salon and some random stranger told me I looked so happy. Could not have been further from the truth — but I pretended well enough people believed it.

The healing process is slow. Wish you could speed it up but you cannot. Glad to see you are both working hard to Reconcile.

Numb and broken: sadly, yes I do see many similarities with our situation. I am having a hard enough time getting my head around 2 years of betrayal —I can’t imagine what you must be going through with 21 years!! I feel sometimes that I was married to a stranger but didn’t even realize it. The emotional attachment with his AP was very strong and along with everything else he is dealing with the loss of that as well as all the damage he has done to me and to us. It all just hurts so much knowing he cared enough about her to risk our marriage—like we were disposable although he insists that was not how he was thinking. Basically he admits he wasn’t thinking at all, just being completely selfish and compartmentalizing that relationship. My heart goes out to you and to all of us dealing with our pain on a daily basis, no matter what our situations look like. Hugs to you.

My H says that he was very happy at home with me (said I’ve been an amazing Wife and Mother) and that he has absolutely no idea why he started the affair and why it lasted so long.
He says he "got on" with her but has never loved her and has never wanted to leave me and be with her.
Which makes this all the harder for me to get my head round and process.
He said he completely separated the two, never felt any guilt and never thought he’d get caught.
He’s currently having therapy to try and find out his why’s.
Amazing isn’t it that our H’s can do what they’ve done yet they’ve never thought about the consequences?
I too sit here and wonder who my H actually is and feel like I’m married to a stranger.
Although, I’ve been discussing my H with my counsellor as she asked me how he’s treated me over the years - to my face that is.
I told her that we’ve always been fine. We have similar interests, we laugh together, we don’t argue and he’s always supported me and been a hands on Dad.
Yet while he was at work (or pretending to be at work) he saw this other woman for over 20 years.
Just doesn’t make any sense and I’ve never seen any signs, as he’s never felt any guilt and has completely hidden it. Compartmentalised the two lives.
I feel like the last 21 years of my life have been taken away from me. And my planner future with him.
I’m so devastated and angry by his actions. Yet so utterly sad that we’ve set to lose everything we’ve built together I’ve the last 28 years due to his selfishness.
Sending you hugs too 🤗

NumbAndBroken: I really do feel that you and I are living the same life right now. My H also said that he compartmentalized the whole relationship with her, it was never supposed to touch our marriage, I was never going to be hurt because I wasn't going to find out. He loved me and never planned on leaving me; they were just in this "fantasy bubble" (his words) where they could be in his private office and pretend to live this secret life and never let it affect their respective marriages. And until her husband found out and blew everything up, their plan was to taper off and stop the physical part and just go back to close friendship and being work partners. Honestly my H is not a stupid person, but in what universe would that have ever worked? And how does hiding an entire secret life from me ever translate into "never going to affect our marriage"?? When I ask him this he just says he sees that now, but then he was just being selfish and not thinking about consequences or anything else. In his mind he wasn't risking our marriage or my feelings because I was never supposed to know. And I'm like, yeah how's that working out for you now? In reality although we had a good relationship, loved each other, were "best friends", shared goals for the future, cared and supported each other, etc. we did have intimacy and closeness issues that we should have worked on and should never have been swept under the rug. He agrees that instead of turning to her, he should absolutely have turned to me to confront things between us. He too is in IC to try to understand how he could have done something that was so against his own moral principles (his words again). I see that he is broken and hurting too, and despite the huge progress we are making in our communication, closeness and intimacy, it is just so hard to be around each other sometimes. For this reason we have jointly decided to take a short time apart (3 weeks is the current plan) so we can both work on our own healing process, with some limited contact possibily once a week for a date together to check in with each other. We both feel like this will be a positive step for us at this stage, and both my IC and MC agree that since we have done alot of work while together these past 10 1/2 weeks, some self-reflection and hopefully mental healing without the object of the pain (him for me) or physical reminder of the pain he caused (me for him) could be helpful. He will be close by so we can still continue our MC together. I will keep you posted on how that goes(not starting this until 1/19 due to other committments we have).

Hi,

So sorry you are here and going through this. You sound similar to my own circumstance, a 2 year affair. Let me say, everything you are feeling is completely normal. We tend to want to rush it, to get back to normal, to not feel the pain, and just to get back to feeling good again. It is a very slow process. One day, you will be putting your clothes on and you will realize that you did not think about it when you were showering, and then one day you will realize that you did not think about it for the whole morning. It will slowly get better as long as you continue to rebuild, counseling, and him doing what it is to make you feel safe. When those intrusive thoughts come barreling on in, don't let it destruct your entire day. If you need ten minutes to go sob it out, then do so, but don't let it rob you of happiness for the rest of the day. I had a plan that I tried to use when those destructive thoughts started to cloud my thinking-- I would shift channels by focusing on the right things... Think about Jesus, think about others, and think about eternity. I will pray that your story gets a happy ending. :)

Dear Fof9393: yeah I wish someone had asked us if we wanted to join the "2 year affair" club before just signing us up, but here we are. I had one of those bleak days yesterday—had been doing better for several days and for no apparent reason just felt hopeless all day. And I do that 10 min cry thing sometimes since it’s just so exhausting holding it back, but I haven’t mastered the "don’t let it wreck your whole day" part. I’m working on it, though. Anyway today is another day and I feel like I am a few more rungs up that ladder, away from the burning pit of DDay. Some days I backslide and go down a bit but I don’t ever go all the way to the bottom so that’s progress I guess. It just gets so tiring when every step seems to require so much work. I am hoping for some peace for all of us in the coming days/months/years—however long our journeys take. Take care, everyone