SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The last four months have been a whirlwind of lies and gaslighting. I've been working hard to pull myself out of this pit of despair and confront my wife about her internet affair.

It's unclear if we will make it and things are still raw. I found concrete evidence of her affair less than three weeks ago and since then I've stood firm on no contact or else I walk immediately.

Part of the process involved me blocking the AP on my wife's online accounts as she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Since then things have been very tense. She has fallen in love with the AP - our own relationship has been suffering for years and those issues are real. We got a breaking point four months ago and at that point we started sleeping in different bedrooms.

During that time I have been working on myself furiously. At the same time my WS escalated things with her AP. She engaged in a sexual relationship with him that involved regular communication with him throughout the day, including during our shared meals and dates. She routinely lied to me about her relationship with him even when I was suspicious of the behavior.

When I hit a breaking point several weeks ago I checked her online chat logs and found evidence of the sexual relationship and of the horrible way she spoke about me with him. Most painfully, right after we started sleeping in different rooms I struggled emotionally with anxiety. I cried many nights and I saw her complaining to her affair partner that I was crying in the other room so she had to keep it down while she shared a live link to her sex toys with the AP. I was and still am crushed.

Most recently we have continued working towards reconciliation. No contact has been a core elements, but WS still resists being accountable for it and resists questions about demonstrating that it has been cut off.

Just today I caught her masturbating to old chats of and videos she had of the AP. Content she claimed to have deleted but recovered.

I really don't know how to feel about that. This whole process is horrible and I have no road map or template that can help understand something like this.

I feel awful about. My WS is clearly in love with the AP and says much, but is still trying to make things work with me. How should I read something like this? What could this behaviour mean ?

Damn that's a shit situation, I'm sorry you've found yourself here. I'm going through my own similar situation, and am a mess myself, so not much to give in the way of advice. But I can tell you you're not alone, and people here have been helpful even in the few short days since I joined.

Hi lowbattery I’m sorry you have found us but this is a great place to land.

Please read the articles in the healing library and work on detaching from your WS. She is not remorseful and it doesn’t sound like she’s suffering any consequences and is still very much in the affair fog.

Have you seen a therapist?? I highly recommend you start. Nothing will change until you start to change how you handle this.

Big hug. This sucks.

I’m so sorry to read this. Finding out that no contact has been broken and she is still fawning over the AP is heartbreaking.

Have you read up on the 180? It is designed to put some distance between you and the cheating spouse. It is not meant to stop the cheating, but to help you become less devastated by the continued cheating.

I’m short order you basically stop being her husband. No errands. You don’t cook meals for her. You don’t do favors for her. You stop making her coffee in the morning (as an example).

Basically you are setting a boundary that you will no longer accept the lying, cheating and disrespect.

I hope this helps you.

Hi, so sorry you find yourself here.

On my way out, but a quick question, do you know who this guy is and is he married or in a significant relationship?

NC is at the core of reconciliation. She's already broken it by watching those videos.

Please seek the help of a GOOD IC who is well trained in infidelity trauma. Meet with your MD if you need temporary medication to help you sleep/cope. Many of us here have taken something initially. Get outside and get some exercise to give you a respite from this nightmare.

Lean on us, lean on TRUSTED family and friends and lean on a member of the clergy if you are so inclined.

Please check out the Healing Library, chock full of great articles.

Always keep in mind, there is never any justification for an affair, ever.

This^^^^^^^^

I am 100% with 1st Wife on implementing the 180. As long as your wife is carrying on her affair you are non-existent as far as she is concerned and there can be no reconciliation until there is at least No Contact with her AP.

You ask what to make of your wife being in love with her AP and also wanting marriage with you. You ask what that behavior meant. It means that right now your wife is in hog heaven since she now has 2 men pining for her. It means that she is now "Queen for a Day". She has not one, but two men desiring her. Things have never been better for her (sarcasticly written). It means she is extremely selfish. It means that until she settles for either you or her AP your life is going to be pure hell.

A couple of things about the 180. It tells you to be cheerful around her... not sullen and moody. It does not tell you to be rude and mean to her. It tells you to get on with your life. If she wants to join you and complement your life that is good. If she doesn't, then you are ahead of the game in taking control of your life.

You will find the 180 in the Healing Library under FAQ for BS. It is question #11 about 1/3 of the way down the page.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/

You will never get out of infidelity until you take control of yourself. There is only one person on this earth that you can control and that is yourself. A moderator on this site, Bigger, has a by-line quote from one of the ancient stoics that essentially says your own happiness depends upon you and no one else.

Now then, I realize that being cheated on is tough... been there, done that. I am an old man and have personally experienced infidelity and seen infidelity with many siblings, friends and colleagues. Most of them got through it and came out happier on the other side. You can to if you want to.

If you decide to implement the 180 then use that time for going to the gym, exercising, etc. for both your physical health and your mental health. It can work wonders for you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 2:44 PM, Saturday, January 4th]

Her heart is not in it brother. I've been on these boards for over a decade and I've never seen a wayward wife who is in love with the AP genuinely come back emotionally to her husband.

In a very few and painful cases where there are adequate consequences I have seen the wife break through the limerence and fantasy, but that would take actions on your part I'm not sure you can do, and often includes the AP throwing her under the bus. So to speak.

As it stands your wife is restrained by her fear of consequences.

Like a muzzled dog that wants to bite someone. You're just pulling back on the leash. It feels like you are winning the tug of war, but really it's a stalemate.

[This message edited by Decorum at 4:19 PM, Saturday, January 4th]

Friend – I think you are doing one classic mistake most betrayed spouses tend to do: YOU are trying to end her affair, when it needs to be SHE that ends it.
In banning OM, deleting his profile and all that... It’s like grounding a teenager from the school dance, and she’s feeling it’s all unfair and thinking of crawling out the window. You are the ogre preventing her from her fun. From getting her fix.

As-is you can’t compete with the OM. He’s fantasy. He’s the White Knight on the White Horse riding into the sunset. She’s heard you fart, seen your pimples and had arguments over bills and utilities with you. Compared to Prince Charming – you are mud.

As contrary as this might sound then your best bet is to set her totally free.

Yes – If she choses to contact OM and masturbate to printouts of his gospel... let her.

Only not as your wife.

Consider doing this:
Tell her that you love her and thought there was nothing you wanted more than this marriage. However – you have realized two things:
If her happiness lies with OM then because YOU love her you would be holding her away from happiness by denying him to her. You have realized that with time you will recover, but that you can never totally have her if she is forced to be with you. Therefore you are setting her free to be with him
The other thing you realized is that you don’t share your wife. If she wants him – then fine, she can go be with him. But not as your wife. Until and unless she willingly tells you that she wants YOU and tells you why she wants you... you are simply assuming she has chosen OM.

Therefore you are absolving her of any marital obligations, and are starting the process of you two terminating your marriage. There is no rush – it’s not as if you will file tomorrow. But you two better start preparing for the inevitable split so she can freely follow her "love" for OM.
Make it clear that there is a process, it takes time, and it’s generally fair and should prevent either of you taking advantage of the divorce. But it’s a process you are starting off on and the further along you go the less likely you are to stop.

Make it clear that she has this window of opportunity. She CAN let you know AND show with verifiable actions that she choses you. But that’s totally HER choice. You are not holding her from OM. Make it also clear that even if she does chose you then you are skeptical, and it will take time before you are convinced she might be committed to this marriage.

Then simply stop arguing. You could ask that she be discreet in communicating with OM. Ask that she maybe goes and does so in the car and not in the home. But that she is totally free to go date him or whatever. Only... not as your wife.

Then move on. Go make a sandwich or whatever. You have stated your case, made your stance. It’s now her call if she choses you or OM.

Let stakeholders know. Tell those that might impact her that you are probably getting a divorce because your wife has chosen her online lover over you.

What all this does is it moves OM from fantasy to reality.
All of a sudden there is rust in the White Knights armor, and his horse smells of... horse. When he starts pulling back (because he’s only after some digital-ass), or when he asks her to pay for his ticket to see her, when her sister starts asking her what the f... shes thinking... the fantasy becomes reality. When she realizes the family home will be sold, that she needs to get a better job, that you are not simply waiting for her to "get over this".... THAT is when reality sets in, and she possibly reaches her low.
Or... she simply choses him... freeing you to start your own path of healing.

our own relationship has been suffering for years

What do you mean by that? Why are you still married?

Do you have children? What is keeping you married in the first place?

My WS is clearly in love with the AP and says much, but is still trying to make things work with me. How should I read something like this? What could this behaviour mean ?

It certainly doesn’t mean that she wants to have a monogamous relationship with her husband. At a minimum she wants an open marriage. To "make things work" with you means convincing you to let her love and have sex with other guys.

Are you OK with that? See that as an acceptable situation? If yes, then let her know you are OK with it, and be OK with it.

If not, then move toward divorce. Don’t wait her out, thinking or hoping she will come around while you suffer horribly. Divorce takes time, and there will be plenty of time for her to realize she wants to be with you, plenty of time to stop the process. The million dollar question will then be, do you want to be with her?

Your relationship was suffering in the first place. Again, why were you still married? Inertia? Habit?

You’ve been heard, LB!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 5:47 PM, Saturday, January 4th]

My reco is to start by redefining 'making it' from 'Reconciliation' to 'surviving and thriving'. Make healing your goal. Do not even dream that you can control the outcome of your M, but know that you can control yourself. You can heal, if you give up trying to control the outcome.

IMO, healing requires processing the feelings of anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever that come with being betrayed. Once you've started on processing those feelings out of your body, your thinking will become a lot clearer. At first you might think your want D or R. After healing takes hold, it will be a lot easier to realize what you really want. And if you want R, doing some healing will let you perceive how good a candidate for R your WS is.

In my experience, it takes 3-6 months to start to heal. Eight weeks - the beginning of the beginning.

Right now, the A is still going on at least in her head. She's not taking responsibility. She is simply not a candidate for R at this point.

What do you mean by 'working on myself furiously'? One reaction that is pretty common is for the BS to believe they caused the A, and they believe they'll win the WS back by doing a 'pick-me dance'.

In fact, your WS cheated as a way to deal with her own issues. Perhaps she blames you, but if she does, she's lying to herself. No legal or ethical change you make would have prevented her from cheating.

She's the one with a greater need to change. She's no prize. You are. She needs to win you back if R is going to work.

I join those who recommend IC and the 180.

Bigger....that is AMAZING advice. And well communicated. I hope OP executes it as you said.

The only person working on reconciliation is you. She's not working at all for it. YOU had to block him, YOU have to hold her accountable, YOU are the only person working on improving yourself.
Step back. Imagine that you were the one that had an affair and crushed your spouse. How different would your actions be from hers? I'm betting she wouldn't even have to tell you NC is a requirement. Wouldn't you make appointments for therapy to find out your why's. You would be going to her and reassuring her instead of gaslighting her.
Personally, I feel that everyone should file for D as soon as they find out about the affair. Hear me out. First, you can always pull it before the judge signs off on it if they show consistent actions that align with remorse. Let the chips fall where they land. Absolutely NOTHING is stopping her from fixing herself, getting the help she needs, and becoming a better person. Once she does that, she can then come to you and work towards reconciliation. Hell, you can even get married again.
Right now, all you're doing is rugsweeping. SI doesn't have a good track record for successful reconciliation when rugsweeping was involved.

After 6 months of back and forth with my cheating H I finally had enough. Dday2 occurs and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I could not continue to be the only one invested in the marriage.

So very calmly I told my H I was sorry but I was left with no choice and I am divorcing you. I told him as far as I was concerned the marriage is over and he is free to be with anyone he wants - the OW or anyone else he chooses.

A few days later I tell him he has to leave our house. He refuses to leave. I forced him to go. I find him he could go live with the OW - I no longer cared what he did or who he did it with.

Funny how he no longer wanted to be a cheater.

Didn’t matter because I did the hard 180. I didn’t speak to him unless my kids were present. I didn’t eat meals with him. I didn’t cook for him or do his laundry or include him in my activities.

Somehow from the ashes we managed to reconcile but he was forced to do the work on his own. I offered no support to him. My thinking was he created this mess, he can clean it up or we can divorce. Somehow he made changes and got me to R.

Almost 12 years later we are happy. But…..he made some serious changes and has never reverted back to the lying cheating jerk he was during his affair.

I hope g hi s helps you understand the cheater has to change - and be all in on the marriage - to successfully reconcile.

Her affair is ongoing.

Step one is to get out of infidelity, and she is refusing the most basic steps.

You are sort of pushed into a corner here. Either you live with a cheating wife or you take the steps necessary on your end to end the marriage formally.